Autumn Frost

Up Against the Walls

2012-01-17T03:41:00.002+01:00

I love books. I love reading them, buying them, giving them away as gifts, looking at them, and the smell of them. I like the weight of paper when I turn pages, and the dryness of its feel, and the memories they hold. It's probably not an uncommon thing, and also most probably not completely healthy. None of the finer things in life ever seem to be.

As a young girl, I concidered myself a pretty avid reader, though unfortunately I don't think so anymore (mostly cause I keep running out of time in porportion to what I want to read). For years I even listed the titles and authors of all the books I read, registering them for almost ten years on this old computer we had back home. During my high school-days it crashed, taking my only copy of that list with it and in all honesty - leaving a bit of a void in me. I never registered books again, perhaps the bitterness of it wouldn't let me.
Back when I started the list, I was a regular at the public libraries. I never had that much money, so for years and to my mothers amusement yet slight annoyance, I would only buy books I had already read and knew I really liked, cause I only wanted to spend the money on something I would appreciate. I didn't start buying books in larger quantities up until after high school, so I've never considered myself having that many books. Still, apart from traveling and food, it would be the thing I spend the most money on.

Now that I finally moved into my own, proper apartment, I have to admit that what I've been the most excited about is that I get to have all my books in one place. It hasn't been the case since I moved out of my parents house in March 2009, and I've gotten a whole lot more books since then (I think my book collection expanded with 40-50 new titles during the Fall's 12-week internship alone, and that is despite the fact that I, to my great chagrin, was too broke to buy a single book during the Gothenburg Book Fair in September).

Books make me happy, and so I surround myself with them as much as I can. As a kid, I got chewed out by my teachers for bringing my own novels to class and reading them during hours instead of listening to the lessons. And one of my biggest dreams was to one day own the library that belongs to the Beast in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, I was that kind of a nerdy kid - all dreams.
Of course that particular one never came true (and never will), but I tried to compensate for it by having my new bedroom wallpapered with what looks like rows and rows of old books. One does one's best I suppose.

The thing is, as I mentioned, I never considered myself having that many books. But now that I'm unpacking, the books seem never-ending. I've been thinking of registering all of them on Librarythings, but it seems like such a time-consuming ordeal that I'm doubting I'll ever get around to it.
At the moment though, my biggest concern is where to fit all the books. I have a big bookcase that I've moved here from mom and dads house, and dad put up some shelves yesterday as well. But I have the nagging feeling that unless I organize this incredibly well, they won't be nearly enough.

Around midnight tonight I did the mistake of unpacking more boxes since I wasn't sleepy. Now, almost four hours later, my entire couch (where I sleep these days until I purchase a new bed) is full of books, there's nowhere to put them and I am falling asleep as I am writing. I'm suspecting I'll have to move them all to one side of the sofa and just sleep on the other, which doesn't really worry me. What does on the other hand give me some concern, is that I've run out of everything remotely simillar to shelving-space, and still haven't even found the Sandman-volumes I set out to find about three hours ago.

Vamos!

2011-12-29T02:13:00.001+01:00

Spending New Years abroad with my Spanish sisters. Joy!!

Seasons Greetings

2011-12-24T14:58:00.002+01:00

We were never bound by Christmas traditions in my family. The tree, the tinsel, the presents were brought in at an early stage though. My father could care less, my mother saw it as a break from the lasting dark of the season and we kids just saw the fun.
So we adopted Christmas and mangled all its roots: we ate ham from a month before the holidays and stopped somewhere around Easter. We had a plastic tree, which we would boldly bring out and decorate sometimes as soon as by first Advent. We seldome followed the traditional Christmas program "Julkalendern" on TV, and on Christmas Eve we missed "Donald Duck's Christmas" every other year and convinced our parents that opening presents in the morning instead of the evening was a-OK, even though we knew it was probably wrong. We ate a mix of Swedish and Persian cuisine, and sometimes spent the day with friends, or relatives, or just with family.

These days, I wrap all the family gifts, almost into some kind of ikebana-monstrosities. Mom wants the tree out earlier though we wait til last minute. Some years the presents are aplenty, some years my siblings and I cut a budget plan. It doesn't matter. It's always nice.
This year the tree needs to be replaced and is instead full of kitch-tinsel to fill it out. I want to see Donald and my brothers girl makes fun of me. It's relaxed, and nice, and all I want is some mulled wine and a cookie and to forget I have exams in two weeks.

I hope everyone else I know and care for has an equally lovely time. Take a breather, it's good for you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Are You Decent?

2011-12-12T16:06:00.006+01:00

My sister came to visit me this weekend. We spent time watching Modern Family, talking, having coffee, meeting my friends and discussing the glamour of old movie actresses. Though we both have a love for old (sometimes black and white) comedies, we've usually stuck to 50's Hepburn stuff.
This weekend, it was more of a 40's theme, and we saw Gilda. Now honestly, there are no actresses looking like Rita Hayworth. I don't mean just her face, I mean the style, there's just this classic beauty radiating from her that you don't see in actresses today, despite some of them being gorgoeus.

It just seems odd to me, somehow. Because it's not that the western idea of beauty has changed that much in 70 years (not like for example slim being considered hot and healthy, while fat was all the rage 500 years ago). But it's something, unrelated to just hair and makeup and clothes, that make women todays faces really look more modern in contrast with the faces on screen back in the day. You can make them up in the same fashion and film them in black and white, and it would still show that it's fake, and that's considering that even actresses like Hayworth got some work done. The problem with looking fake today is that it's stopped being slight enhancments like corsets and a raised hairline, and now people put so much chemicals in themselves they look like they've frozen in time and space. Now this on the other hand, is amazing because it so damn alive:

Undercover

2011-12-07T17:39:00.004+01:00

I joined my friends ambitious game-inspired photo project this year, and have already been enjoying myself immensly.

I've part-taken in two shoots since July. The first was on Alice: Madness Returns, that was released this very summer, where I model the deeply disturbed Alice.
The second was a 20's themed retro-mashup of Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, Alone in the Dark and Laura Bow and the Dagger of Amon Ra, where I play ditzy but ambitious southern gal Laura Bow.

As of today, I will also be blogging for the homepage from time to time. Find us at:

Incognito

I write and operate under the name C. Sanchez for reason undisclosed at the time being. My charming avatar was made by Meiko Revolver, who has in fact never met me.

Advent Calendar

2011-11-30T10:32:00.004+01:00

The Advent Calender is a big thing in Sweden. Famously known as Julkalendern, it's a national koncept that's been spreading into every aspect of Swedish life throughout the decades. You can buy a Julkalender of diffirent sorts. Some are filled with chocolate, and each day, from the 1st to the 24th of December you open a new hatch and get a piece of candy. Or behind the cardboard window there will be an image, or a rhyme. Some families make big calenders, where every day grants a small token or gift, building excitment (and further fueling capitalism...) all the way up to the big day. Stores are now offering simmilar gift-baskets.
There's even a yearly TV-show called Julkalendern. A new story devided in 24 episodes, broad casted throughout December, making it's way into most homes. Christmas is a very, very big deal in Sweden. It's a time of warmth and light during some of our darkest days.

As today is my last day at my wonderful publishing internship, I want to share with you a Christmas gift. An advent calender, at MIX - förlaget för crossover litteratur. Every day, there will be an update with pictures, stories or rhymes, given to us by our published authors and friends. Amongst others there will be Swedish authors Karin Tidbeck and Anna Kerubi, and on the international side of our publishing - Neil Gaiman, Miroslav Penkov and Angie Chau.

I'm looking forward to every day of the calender with a pang of anticipation the can only be what the essence of Christmas should ever be about.

The Big Wind-Up

2011-11-15T22:55:00.004+01:00

In conversation last night:

Me: It's stress. It's always stress.

Mom: But... are you really that bad off? You seem very calm.

Me: Well... someone has to be (laugh).

Mom: So you just keep staying stressed and ignore it?

Me: No. I keep busy, and I don't act out so much. It would probably be healthier if I acted out. I just.. prefer not to. And then implode.

Mom makes unhappy face.

Me: Don't worry. Sometimes when it's too much, I go off on my own and have a good cry and then sleep it off, and then go back to being busy.

Mom: Oh honey...

Me: To each his own mom, to each his own.

Kvällens tekopp: Kustfägring

2011-10-30T21:54:00.003+01:00

Grönt te smaksatt med havtorn, jordgubb och yoghurt. Köpt på Kahls.

Omdöme: Milt, sött, doftar gott. Blir lätt beskt om det drar för länge eller om vattnet är för hett, så koka ej till 100grader.

Hazy Shades

2011-10-28T15:16:00.005+02:00

There's a week left 'til my 26th birthday. It's been a very busy and hectic year, mostly in a good way, I think.
Autumn's been very stressful, and apart from the internship I'm also up to the neck in studies, which means I am basically doing two full-time scheduals and therefor studying at 200%. Because of some really messed up paper-work, I also get no financial aid until I can prove that I've taken credits these past months. I lack 2,5credits to be appointed student aid, and during november I will be finishing 30credits worth of course work. You'd think that should be enough, together with plenty of phonecalls and both e-mails and letters from my teacher, but my case is one of many amongst the masses of paper being shuffled between idiots, so at the moment I live off of my parents never-ending goodwill.

Being home, I do get to see my Stockholm friend's once in a while, but mostly for lunches during the weeks. I spend a lot of time with my sister as well, which I really appreciate. We have fun together, and we talk and watch tv-series a lot.
I do miss my Uppsala-life, and my friends, and having more of my own space. I also miss my old neighbours alot. This week especially, I've been going through pictures from the past two years and been ridiculously nostalgic. I blame the fact that they are far, but also the fact that this time of year makes me emotional and travel-sick. November always holds the promise of more grey and more cold than I would like to see, all in one place, inside and out.

Also, closing in on my birthday, it makes me all the more aware of the 25-list I had laid out for myself this year. I didn't even come close to finish it. But I did do alot of things I've wanted to do, and did manage to atleast begin on a lot of projects that I'll finish in a near future. I'm quite pleased by the results all the same. Now I'm thinking, should I make a new one for next year? Or throw myself into the very ambitious 101 things in 1001 days-project instead? I could always continue on the stages from my first that I left unfinished and go from there.

Hello CIA

2011-10-20T22:18:00.005+02:00

It's been a strange year when it comes to the war against terror.
The world is (still, and always will be) full of oppression that many agree on should not be ignored, but many are also the people who throw non-appreciative glances towards the US. and their foreign-policies.
The 10th year marker after 9/11 came and went, and it was odd for me to realize it had been so long since a happening that monumentally changed the world's view on people with my ethnical heritage, and gave nations the right to invade other countries far away, with no proof, no plan, and no other intention than "doing the right thing"; which was essentially bombing poor people, looking for political figures for years without finding them and then leaving whole countries in shambles in the Middle East after being accused of only going there for the oil in the first place.

Yet things have happened, and changed. Bin Laden was finally killed this year. I say finally, not because it was a good thing that a crazy oppressor was killed (because there was no trial and no real punishment for all he's done), but because he was a symbol of many a things evil, and an easy way to look at a very complicated problem. He was one face to represent many horrors in Afghanistan (and in the world) and now that he is finally out of the picture, perhaps the rest of the western world can concentrate more on actually helping the people of Afghanistan build new lives with some dignity, instead of wrecking everything and then just leaving all our shit behind for them to deal with, when not finding what we're looking for.

The people of Egypt took up arms, and marched and marched for their freedom. It was, in everyway a glorious, powerfully haunting and brutal thing. They lost so very much to gain new ground, and hopefully, hopefully, there are new roads to pave. Of course, one of the major issues pressed on from the western world should now be "Will this new democracy you are striving for include the rights of women?" Because that aspect seems conviniently forgotten now that people (a.k.a. men) want to rebuild a new and free Egypt (for men, apparently).

And today, Muammar Gaddafi, the military ruler of Libya was announced dead. In Stockholm, the news showed people of Libean heritage celebrate. Ofcourse, there is always fear, even through the happiness. What if the news is wrong? What if the riots that follow claim more lives? What if the next regime is even worse? (Believe me, that's what most Iranians had to wittness after the revolution of -79).
But still, times they are a-changing. With casualties, with chaos, but maybe maybe in a slightly better direction.

I was thinking this, when I a couple of hours earlier mentioned to a friend on Facebook-chat that I had seen the news of Gaddaffi's death. I said, it was interesting how many (I meant of these dictators) who had died or been overthrown this year. I then said, that I wondered why noone had tried to take out the Israeli regime.
Now, many would think that this is a very strange comparison. That Israel is not a dictatorship or a terrorist nation. I disagree. I believe that the Jewish people have a right to their own country, to freedom and happiness and dignified lives. I refuse to believe though, that this can only be achieved by the systematic and terrorfilled oppression of their neighbours the Palestinians, who finally made a formal appeal for their independence this autumn. Perhaps it is as writer Amos Oz says, for both nations to reach a satisfying solution, there must perhaps first be made compromises that leave both parties un-satisfied.
The Israeli regime might represent the fears of their people, persecuted for generations, but they cannot make me believe that the entire nation agrees that the best way of securing your own rights is to bring a new Holocaust upon you neighbours. The Gaza war of January 2009 was basically an attempt of annihilating a country from the face of the Earth, and the fact that the rest of the world just stood by and watch will forever be one of the most disgusting political dicisions made in my youth. It was so dispicable that some Jewish soldiers refused to go to war. Civilians protested. And everyone who part-took in these "unpatriotic acts" was sent to prison. In Sweden, that would be called discrimination against human rights and freedome of speech being violated by the rulers, but apparently, Isreal is not to be judged.

I find that horrific, and disgusting. I believe the regime of Israel is in many ways the same cruel, self-deluded madmen and murderers as Ghadaffi and Bin Laden. I believe that the nation of Israel deserves more than to carve it's future through the bodies of Palestinians, and I believe the people of Palestine have been long denied their human rights.

But, apparently saying this, or even indicating this by comparing the Israeli regime to Gaddafi and questioning why noone has tried to overthrow and kill them yet, is not kosher (haha), cause withing 5 minutes of writing this in my chat, my Facebook account was down for maintnance. The page informed me to return in a couple of minutes, and has as of then been unavailable to me for hours.

So, as I now feel very, very watched, I want to take this moment to say openly to whoever did all the conspiracy-like watching:

As a woman of Middle Eastern heritage, a feminist and socialist, I find the American foreign-politics to be a self-righteous, patriotic, religiously fanatic load of crap, and truly believe that the rest of the world would despise you much less if you kept it in your pants and stopped being such hypocritical arses. By now, half the third world would rather live in misery than have your wrecking-ball mentality invade their countries, and the other half are mostly blaming you for their regimes, as you continuously help opressors until they turn their backs on you.

Also, I am a literature major at Uni that barely passed second year high school chemistry, so you have no fear of me ever wanting to concoct anything strange on planes, not even now, even though my comments above might make me look like a potential risk. I can ofcourse see why you think me tempted though, cause of me being of so-called "terrorist decent" as i think it was called on American Dad, and the fact that your flight rules forced everyone else in the world to adapt to a system were we bring everything in with hundreds of miniature bottles, making everyone's bag look like something out of CSI. At least make it up to me by letting me off the hook when having to sign the ridiculous papers about not being a spy or affiliated with Nazi Germany pre-1945 everytime I fly to the US to visit relatives and friends, and finally:

If you really have the time to flag people like me through Facebook, mail, or phone-conversations, I propose you put your resources into other more urgent stuff: as in finding actual criminals, repaying your humoungous debt to China or donating the money to Zuckerberg - who despite all his money cannot seem to design a new Facebook update that doesn't suck.

That would be all.

Work Flow

2011-09-28T17:05:00.001+02:00

Today, I was alone at work due to the others being ill.
Due to spending almost two days on my own at the office, I don't really know what to do when finished with my assignments. I've read all the texts and short stories sent to me, registered comments and opinions. I've looked up some images for the picture index for one of our books, even though it is pretty tedious work, since they all seem to be pulled out of the same book yet never there to find when looking in said book. At least it's not just me it's giving a head ache, so I don't need to feel incompetent. It is apparently not a very well made index from the start...

Also, apart from my work tasks, today I have studied, corresponded with my thesis supervisor at school, and started looking over one of my own short-stories from last year that needs some editing. All this despite being doped up on painkillers. Some days I'm just better at piecing things together I guess.

Bokmässan 2011

2011-09-24T04:50:00.002+02:00

Det är tio i fem, jag har sovit tre och en halv timma och jag ska strax iväg till Cityterminalen för att ta en sex-timmars buss till Göteborg och vara med på Bokmässan för första gången. Mycket förväntansfull!

The Intern

2011-09-19T12:06:00.002+02:00

So I got the internship. As of last week I am a weekly resident at my parents house in Stockholm, going into town for work in the morning (albeight not to early) and returning home around dinner-time like a proper office-lady, hahaha!

During the weekends I go back to Uppsala, trying to meet people and head off to the gym and do homework. At least that's the plan. But honestly, I have two (late!) assignments for the summer-course, and the deadline for an exam and the first 20 page draft of my thesis coming up
by the first week of October, as well as some reviews for work that need to be written if I want a salary next month. I don't feel like I have the time to meet anyone anymore, and probably not for quite a while. And I get that I shouldn't, because honestly, friends will understand when you need to lay low for a while and get your shit together.
But knowing myself, I'll still end up watching movies with my sis and having lunch with friends in Stockholm anyway. I just think i should stop planning in stuff for the weekends so i can get some homework done and some shut-eye...

That said, I like it here. The others at MIX are smart, good at what they do and meticulous. They show me the ropes, and manage to be supportive at the same time. Not once have I felt like I don't get it. They genuinly care for their work, and I respect that alot.
And they make me feel welcome, which I inturn repay with lots of gratitude (and work!).
I have my own desk, and a computer, and a phone as old as my sister, and it took about two days for said desk to look exactly like the rest of my life: organized chaos (mostly paper).

I really like it here. I'm suspecting 10 weeks will be over far faster than I would have hoped.

Kitchen-Be-Gone

2011-09-09T12:14:00.000+02:00

In my new appartment, getting ready to head out to IKEA and to the local recycling and trash-center, to dump whatever used to once be the kitchen here.

I'm a bit nervous, but I have faith in that dad will make this place look fantastic. In the mean time, I am spending my few days in Uppsala by going to the gym, meeting friends, having plenty of meetings with faculty members at school, and trying to help out at home wherever dad thinks I am going to cause the least amount of trouble. Yesterday, I was mostly re-packing bags, listening to songs from the Devdas Soundtrack and trying to not be in my fathers way whilst he totally slaughtered the kitchen, ripping out some of the cabinets with a crow-bar. Action-Man Dad to the rescue!
Today, I've been carrying boards, cabinets and planks for a couple of hours, so I'm considering cancelling this evenings pilates, seeing as I get quite alot of excersise done right here at home. Especially since I am planning on having a night out dancing as well.

Moving - again.

2011-09-02T12:14:00.002+02:00

Today, I finally start moving into my new appartment. I signed the last papers and got the keys this morning. So, until dad gets here, I have three hours to pack my stuff, clean out the appartment I rented from a friend and run some errands downtown.

I'm excitet. As in really really excitet. And at the same time a bit scared, and very confused. There's so much to consider. Just thinking about changing wall-papers seems like a big deal. How do people renovate entire kitchens without going mad with choice?

Clone Wars.

2011-08-23T01:33:00.007+02:00

A few years ago, I read this article about how certain themes in movies seemed to attract the attention of script-writers at the same time. It was not the matter of competing, since usually scripts are kept in the dark until actually bought, but just that certain times found certain themes well adaptable for movies.
Some ideas just didn't follow through. When Guy Richie casted Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes, Sacha Baron Cohen was cast in the same role by someone else. That project was cancelled, but Richie's movie is now getting a sequel, and BBC made a magnificent modern-take mini-series on the story just last year (to be followed up this Autumn). Some exampel's that did come out within just a few months from eachother, are:

Full Metal Jacket - Platoon.
Near Dark - The Lost Boys
Thin Red Line - Saving Private Ryan.
Antz - A Bug's Life.
Capote - Infamous.
Clash of the Titans - Immortals

And every couple of years there is a new version of some Austen/Dickens/Brontë book, or a new version of Three Musketeers or perhaps Robin Hood. Fairytales as well, will never die. Especially now that Hollywood keeps spouting out remakes of all these 40's-80's movies, you know they won't be laying off the classics.

So why did I suddenly think of this tonight? Well, within the next few months, cinemas in Sweden will show a re-make of Brontës Jane Eyre, Dumas The Three Musketeers, a Robin Hood came out last year and a Red Riding Hood this year (see what I'm getting at?).
For next year, as fortold on IMDb (I love that page), there will be both an at the moment untiteled Snow White-project with Sean Beam and Julia Roberts, as well as Snow White and the Huntsman with Charlize Theron, who looks pretty amazing in her getup.

But... Really? Even if you are running out of ideas and looking to old stories is your way to go, how does Hollywood succeed in only looking in the same direction at the same time?
Rejuvenate your buisness or get out.

Desktop

2011-08-20T12:36:00.004+02:00

I have a week left of studies for my exams, and the stress still not as bad as it could be, which is good. I am doing well, working effectively but not fast enought, at least not yet. We'll see where I stand on that by the middle of the week.

I try to eat and sleep well, and am proud to say I'm hanging in there. Yesterday I woke up after only 4-5 hours, since the room was so warm and stuffy, and I couldn't go back to sleep. The entire day continued the same, building up to a storm, and it's been raining all night. I slept like a log, and got a good ten hours in me. I try to not stay cooped up either, and make sure I leave the appartment for a walk, a visit to the libraries, a coffee in town, just to get some fresh air and stretch my legs. All in all, I've been holding to my plan of not getting too distracted. I don't surf on the web half as much as I usually do, I ignore the phone, I canceled next weeks movie-plans, and I feel like I'm getting somewhere. It's not fun, but it's good.

For the past week, this has been the primary aspect of my life, with the exception that the titles of the books change depending on the assignment I'm working on, and that the computer sometimes shows youtube or Spotify etc, instead of the schools teaching platform.
Woop- woop...

Our ways are not your ways.

2011-08-16T11:29:00.006+02:00

My summer course this year, is a literature class revolving around the western vampire myth, from the 18th centure 'til today, focused primarily on the socio-political powerstructures and gender-roles of the genre. It's interessting and entertaining, though there is a lot more to read than I actually have the time to go through.
The past two weeks reading have centered on Bram Stokers Dracula, and we are supposed to analyze it with the help of overwhealming amounts of scholarary literature, out of which my favourite is Gilbert and Gubars The Madwomen in the Attic. Since I also have to finish up course-work and write exams next week for other classes, there's a heavy emphasis on studying in my life right now.

As a result, I woke up this morning after a very strange dream, were I was working in an office as the xerox-girl, and my boss was Keanu Reeves playing Jonathan Harker. After that, everyone at the office ended up at his mansion of a home, were we were celebrating a big Jewish holliday (this seemed extra strange to me after awakening, until I remembered that only yesterday I had a long discussion on the topic of Jonathan Safron Foers Eating Animals, and his Jewish background and how that had influenced his views on food, kosher, and meat in general). Throughout the dream, I kept wondering what on earth I was doing there, and at some point followed one of my "co-workers" to the front gates to wave them off. As I turn around Jonathan is on the front lawn, talking to someone, and does not pay attention to a big car that comes up the drive way. He calls over his shoulder to the newly arrived guest to just "go in and make yourselves comfortable" and then turns to all of us and waves us in to continue the dinner party. As we walk up the stairs, the new guest is standing by the door. As he looks up, we all realize that it's Dracula, and that this also means that Harker has invited him in. Suddenly Dracula runs off into the house, Harker chases him, and the rest of us, for some insane reason, run off after Harker.
Upstairs, I find Harker struggeling with Dracula, whose face is a mix between Gary Oldmans longhaired, eye-glass wearing version from the Coppola-film, as well as some hideously deformed, melting thing the colour of bruises. I stop, frozen, breathless, and look at the scene infront of me, and suddely can only think: Why is Dracula so PURPLE?

That's when I wake up. This reminds me very much of last years summer-course influenced dream, where I was avoiding a Baltimore druglord. I really need to start distancing myself more from my work.

Metodik

2011-08-16T02:17:00.002+02:00

Jag är mitt uppe i en frenetisk plugg-period, och kastar mig mellan sommarkursens uppgifter och tentaplugg inför nästa vecka. Självklart vet jag att det delvis är dålig planering från min sida. Samtidigt vet jag att det aldrig blir bra om jag inte är under åtminstone ett viss mån av stress. Det är ohälsosamt, jag vet, men produktivt.
I flera år försökte jag tänka att jag skulle förändras, nu vet jag att det aldrig kommer hända. Jag försöker bara bli bättre på att jobba snabbt. Oftast funkar det, och resultatet är jag, om inte stolt över så åtminstone nöjd med. Ibland ska man inte begära mer och bara gå vidare.

Just för att det är mycket i studieväg nu, vill jag såklart mest göra annat. Men jag håller mig i skinnet rätt bra, och är i stort sett bara hemma och pluggar. Jag har stängt av ljudet på telefonen, kopplat bort de bra högtalarna för att inte spela för hög musik (utifall att jag då börjar dansa istället för att plugga), och försöker hålla mig borta från att strösurfa på nätet. Jag ser däremot till att komma ut ur lägenheten på promenader, sover minst 7 timmar, och äta åtminstone två ordentliga mål om dagen. Det är ovanligt att jag kombinerar produktiva perioder med en hälsosam livsstil, men det skulle vara skönt om jag lyckades för en gångs skull. Nu har det visserligen bara hållit på i fyra-fem dagar, så jag borde inte ta ut någon glädje i förskott.

Pride

2011-08-08T16:44:00.003+02:00

Recapping the past week: I've been running errands, spent time with family and friends (not enough of them), studied (not enough of that either), part-took in a friends photo project, and as I had wanted too for many years now: I attended Stockholm Pride Parade 2011, both watching it with sister and friends as well as joining in and walking in it, albeight not for a very long stretch.

The parade was amazing, with so many walking for their equal rights, and so many to support them. Proud parents and children (this was one of the most beautiful parts), so many happy, dressed up people. It's wonderful that Pride is such a big thing in Sweden, and at the same time, so tragic that the most basic of human right; the right to your own body and sexuality, as well as your conscious decision of who you are together with (in and outside the bedroom) are denied so many people. I hope that for each year, we march forward not only on the streets but in our acceptance as well.

The fact that so many out there make it their buisness to deny others the right to love someone else, based on something as ridiculous as the gender of their choice partner, is beyond me. No actually, it disgusts me.
How can it possibly be anyones right to judge others choice in partner? This choice is made based the joint decision of two individuals, in love and hoping to share a healthy and happy life together. Yet they keep struggeling, fighting for a everyday existance were they can kiss eachother on the street without others recoiling, where they can adopt without others blaiming them for destroying childrens lives, were they can donate blood, go to the damn bank and get the same loans based on the same sets of requirements demanded of straight customers. And this is in Sweden, that often prides itself for being "the most equal country in the world", which honestly, mostly just means: "We're a couple of steps ahead of most of you other nations, and are obtuesly using this as an excuse to not keep trying to improve".

The thing is, there are plenty of straight couples out there, whose relationship is shit. The fighting couples, the cheating couples, the jealous and destructive couples. Yet, noone is banning them from keeping at it, from trying to get it right. Or even worse, the ones not trying to change: couple that abuse eachother, people who hurt their children - they're never actually scrutinezed as a potential representative for everyone with the same sexual preferance as themselves.
Statistically, most couples are straight and therefore, more fucked up, horrible, monstrous abusers and rapists in relationships are also straight. Yet, they don't represent all straight people. A man who's gay, is inevitably denied adopting rights on the basis that he will "turn his kids gay", as if that is on par with some asshole wife-beating drunk, who's going to pass on his brutality to his kids.

There might also be plenty of gay couple out there that are unhappy for the same reason as straight couples. But no one straight is denied their right to partnership based on the fact that their relationship is lousy. I mean, why shouldn't gay people have the same right to be happy, OR miserable, as everybody else?
They have the same wants and dreams as straights, the same need to laugh and feel like they belong, they work, pay taxes, they are good friends/lovers/relatives as well as really shitty ones, and at the end of the day, they should be able to feel like they are just as much part of this fucked-up, messed-up world as anybody else in it.

Keys

2011-08-01T18:12:00.002+02:00

Moved out on Saturday, went back for a good through and through cleaning session (including scrubbing the bathroom ceiling, whiping clean the closet interiors, opening windows to clean them from the inside (sounds kinda creepy, I know) yesterday, and handed in the keys today.

Thank you Flogsta for two and a half amazing years. Moving on to bigger and bighter thing. I hope I won't miss you.

Next Chapter, Please.

2011-07-29T22:08:00.003+02:00

Will be moving out of the corridor tomorrow.
Feel sad in that nostalgic way you have when you leave something good, something really truly good, behind you. But also, ofcourse, excitet. The entire thing is finally sinking in, and though I shouldn't say anything lest I jinx it, I am very much anticipating good things in this next stage of my life.

Atleast, I am prepared for a change.
I like the feeling.

So far, so good.

2011-07-05T00:11:00.006+02:00

Eight months ago, I begun my 25-project, as in the 25 new things I wanted to achieve, try out or enjoy during the year I am 25. Now, 2/3 into the year, I thought I'd give a bit of an overview on how far I've managed to come.

Out of the 25 items on list, I've only finished six. That is a bit daunting, knowing I have so much more left. I am aware of that not all of them are managable within the time-frame I've set, as other aspects of my life: school, social obligations, health and economy all weigh in.
I am for example unsure if my blood values are good enough for donation, as I have had a lack of iron for years. Yet I cannot test this at the time being, as I have to wait for 6 months to pass due to getting my ear pierced this spring. And, when talking of the piercing, it will be quite the feat, getting the blood test, and donating blood if possible, and then getting the tattoo, all before my 26th birthday, as all of this is only possible within a time-frame of 2,5 weeks! I should have planned that one better...

Also, there is no way I can afford a move, my bills, my past-times, and still get myself to Japan this year. The money I don't have (yet), will have to be saved up for other things; like the afformentioned move and tattoo, as well as a spa-treatment, an opera visit, etc.

But I have:

1) Held a massive cake-fest. For the night of my 25th birthday, I baked more than 15 kinds of cakes and sweets, and held a very low-key, 20's themes birthday-party with some lovely friends and neighbours.

3) Attended a ballet. I saw Coppelia at the Royal Opera in Stockholm, and not only did the comedic ballet catch my fancy, it also convinced me that this is something I should do atleast once a year.
Also, I have since then seen the brilliant theatre adaptation of the vampire novel Låt den rätte komma in (Let Me In), at Uppsala City Teatre, as well as enjoyed the live performance of singing comedian Stephen Lynch in Stockholm.
Seeing arts and entertainment live is always something I wish to do more often. I try to see a play every year atleast, and it always convinces me that if I had more money, I would get a yearly membership at the local theatre.

11) I have managed to spend both an amazing week in Madrid, as well as take a 40hour cruise ship to Riga. Though the latter will most surely make for a better trip when it's not taken in the freezing depths of winter, the former was amongst the best trips I have ever been on, and my constant day-dreaming of Madrid is now almost an obsession.

19) I have bought a long red wig that I adore, and I use it when I'm out for coffee, at dinner with friends and even at parties (and once at a club. It was too warm, I might add). Not only do I really like wearing it, but ever since I got it, I have (almost completely) stopped thinking about re-dying my own hair red again.

20) During the Riga-cruise, my friends and I decided to try the kareoke-bar. I managed to get myself through Soft Cell's Tainted Love without any accidents, but completely slaughtered Fly Me to the Moon, since they had told us it would be the Frank Sinatra version, and it wasn't, which completely threw me for a loop. At least is was funny =)

21) I went to the Spring Formal, dressed to the nines, and had a lovely time. My friend M, who three years ago, was the first who told me that I should atleast once experience the whole thing after moving to Uppsala, was my charming date, and made me feel comfortable and not at all out of the waters. I was very grateful, and felt ridiculously pretty all night.

I've read more then half the books by non-English/Swedish authors I was planning on reading, and have seen a fourth of all the movies on my list. I keep sending at least a letter or post card every month and hope to keep the habit up long after this is over. My weight's moving up and down the scale irregularly, but I keep track of things on Put The Cookie Down, and even though I don't always update on time, I don't think there should be any problems reaching an amount of at least 52 post by November.

All the other items might or might not get crossed off on time, and I really haven't a clue to how it'll turn out.

Casting calls gone astray.

2011-06-20T16:01:00.007+02:00

As of late, I've noticed that amongst the anonymous blog-visitors who end up here, many have done so while searching for "Autumn Frost Casting" (and will most likely do so still, after this is posted). Curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to google it myself, in an atempt to find what was going on (as IMDb had no info on any upcoming movie named Autumn Frost).

Turns out, the name of my blog (which is also the title of the 12th volume of the amazing Blade of the Immortal manga, as well as the name of an American female wrestler...) is the same as the premilinary work name for the upcoming Superman movie (!) - Man of Steel. As a superhero geek, this is pretty amusing. Ofcourse, I was never a Superman-fan, but I still find it pretty cool. My love was always for the Dark Knight, though many of the X-Men were quite diligently appreciated as well.

It turns out, casting calls have gone out for not only Man of Steel, but also Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises, and lastly, The Avengers movie, which will be directed by the fantastic Joss Weedon.

If I lived in the US, going on open casting calls to play extras in Superhero-flicks would be the exact kind of nerdy thing I would do, all the time. Sweden really doesn't live up to my grand movie-star expectation ;P

One door closes.

2011-06-19T19:11:00.005+02:00

So most of my neighbours have left. It has been a magnificent run, and living here has brought me great joy. Ofcourse, some heart ache is not unexpected in the wake of my corridor-life, yet I am taking it pretty well. I am a bit worried and stressed in reference to my own, unsure move, but I have atleast started the planning and will in the beginning of July start with the packing as well.

I have spent the last week doing homework for my summer-classes, reading, cleaning, meeting friends... I have gone to the movies, done some shopping, went for walks, and tried to avoid being caught in the rain, as it has been on-and-off pouring for the past five days.
I am eating well, sleeping well, starting a-new with the 200-situp challange, and am trying to plan ahead for the 25 While 25-list.

Life goes on, and you keep going on with it. Mayhaps a bit dented, but now with an extended family all across the globe. There's worse things than expensive flights, after all.

For the girls.

2011-06-15T23:35:00.004+02:00

Entwine your fingers with mine,
our grips fast through the passage of days.
You'll pull me through
I'll carry you
worries overcome and tears
brushed away.

Each ray of sun a memory won
strands of laughter like lockets
hung -
around the neck and close to heart
Sisters, we're never far apart.

- Nahal, June 2011

Madness Returns

2011-06-08T15:14:00.005+02:00

Semester is over, summer courses started yesterday, my neighbours are moving back to the countries they came here from, my relatives are visiting, the weather is hot and heavy yet not sunny, my workload is big, my training schedul shot to Hell and I am desperately looking for a new place to stay. I'm trying to make my life go around with social events, work and school and as always I think my body takes the toll.
A friend asked me yesterday if i didn't ever get tired of all the running, and I said that I was always tired. But if I stopped, much more than just exhaustion would probably catch up with me, so as long as I can take it I'll keep rolling.

Considering half of my friends leaving the country permanently, and me being uprooted soon enough, i think I'm taking things pretty well. Also have many things to look forward too, like seeing Stephen Lynch live in Stockholm tomorrow and seeing relatives I haven't seen for years. Also, this months paycheck is a bit bigger than usual, due to me working in the sales counter for Science Fiction Bokhandeln at the UppCon 11 convention last weekend. i was, as per tradition, dressed up in cosplay. This year, my co-worker N. made me an Alice-costume, based on the character from the game Alice: Madness Returns (the sequel to American McGee's Alice). It was awesome.

Spring Formal 2011

2011-05-24T12:29:00.013+02:00

Amidst the assignments, appartment hunting, presentations, and all my other "must-do's", me and a friend attended Uppsala's Spring Formal, or as we say in Swedish, Vårbalen, this Saturday.

It was lovely. First of, my friend M is as charming as can be, and I am so happy he was my date. Since it was my first time there, he helped me out with some of the details, like the order in which you toast, and how to dance the waltz (believe me, I have no experience in wearing gowns, so the dancing in long skirts was quite tricky).
The food was rich and delicious, a five-course meal that I don't know how I managed to make room for. The drinks were abundant and the entertainment entertaining. I especially enjoyed the choirs own rendition of Rhianna.

All in all it was quite the experience, and after about 12 hours of partying, and 14 hours in a corset that's left my back bruised, I fell into bed completely exhausted, while a lot of the other participants continued with the festivities.

I think I got quite the taste for it. Now, it isn't really something one would do often, but I see the appeal. Once a year you get to dress up in a long gown, and donne jewelry and make-up you usually don't wear, feel fabulous, eat great food and have a lovely time. Why say no to that?
Of course, it's a bit on the expensive side, but worth it. And you can always be clever and choose a dress that will come in handy later on. I'm already planning on wearing mine at a friends wedding next year. Fancy and practical, just the way I like it =)

Go see: Fem.Phen.Med.

2011-05-19T21:59:00.005+02:00

This weeks recommendation!

May 18th-21st, Uppsala University is holding a four day conference on Feminist Phenomenology and Medicin.

As a part of my present course at Uni, we are required to attend atleast four out of the 16 discussions on the articles presented.
Though I find the topic interesting, because of my very booked schedual, I probably won't attend to more than four or five. Today, I saw three of the speakers: Linda Fisher, Abby Wilkerson and Lanei Rodemeyer. It was pretty fascinating, though Wilkersons article, or perhaps topic, is a more correct word here) was the one that I felt most intrigued by.
Afterwards I also got to talk to two other of the guests, Marja-Liisa Honkasalo, who actually complimented me on my questions and recommended me some good reads, and Nikki Sullivan, who flew in all the way from Australia, who told me about the (for me) un-usual subject of her studies, queer dis(orientation) and the alienation of one from ones own body, and how this otherness manifests in the will to rid oneself of ones own physical appandeges, like arms and legs (what I consider self-mutilation), and the taboo around such a state.
As mentioned - fascinating!

Though the thing that gets me the most, is that someone has been sabotaging this conference. Sure, I get that the topic is controversial, but the response has been ridiculous.
About two weeks ago, the Center for Gender Studies at Uppsala University, put up big posters around Campus, to spread the word about the conference. Within a day, every single poster was gone. it was strange, but unfortunate. Yet, the next day, new posters were hung. And within a day, all were gone.
In the end, posters and flyers were hung up during 7-10 days. The University cleaning staff was informed about not taking down anything. The other departments put up flyers in support. And yet, except for posters put up behind locked glass cases, every single one was taken down within a day from being put up. For almost two weeks.

I just can't see who would be so angry, and have so much time on their hands, to spend two weeks of their lifes just to keep this up. What is wrong with them? What is it that is so provocative about gender studies (in Sweden!!), or about phenomenology? Or is it that they dislike the use of medicin in research on queer body images, or illness experience, or intersex and biomedicin?
It is sad, because even though it might not be in everyones field of interest, I'm sure there are people out there who would have liked seeing some of this, as there always is.

Intermission

2011-05-06T14:17:00.003+02:00

Post-Madrid and post-Valborg. It feels like I've been dancing, eating, laughing and drinking for weeks. Maybe I have, time flows strange in spring.

I've taken up looking at new housing, after all, my lease is up in three months and it won't do to move in with family and friends unless I really have to.
Also, life is getting back to normal, or atleast I'm trying to figure out what to do to steer it back where it should be. There's a lot of studies up ahead, and with the appartment-hunt and moving, and friends going away, I don't think I'll be leaving Uppsala much more. I have a weekend in Stockholm booked for next week, and after that I'm planting my bum on Uppsala turf until I've found a new place to stay.

So, since my new classes start on monday, this is the last weekend I'll have that is a bit more relaxed. So E. is visiting me, and we're gonna watch some movies, talk and have picknick with friends if the weather allows it. After that, it's back to the grindstone.

Dear Sweden,

2011-04-22T23:00:00.007+02:00

you suck. Your spring is awful, your wine is expensive and you are literally the place where the sun don't shine. I don't miss you at all.

In Madrid, the weather is so warm, I don't even mind when it rains. I walk hours everyday in a daze of total satisfaction at the choice of coming here alone. I'm ignoring our not-so-distant reunion, and wish you a future where I don't despise you. No love lost between us,

/N.

De vacaciones

2011-04-18T12:53:00.003+02:00

I can barely sit still. Everything in me and around me seems to be moving with a sense of purpose that leaves a tingeling sensation in my skin, seeping into my veins and running through me to the tip of my fingers. And all I can think of is: in 26 hour in 25 hour in 24 hours... I've become the countdown.

I'm breathing warmth and sunshine already and I won't miss a thing, not a single thing. I'm walking down heated streets, dreaming living feeling the city sound, the summer sun, the far-off-ness from my life.

I'm never so much in love as when I'm travelling.

Gold Guns Girls

2011-04-15T12:36:00.004+02:00

Nu har jag skickat in veckans recension, bestämt mig för vilka kläder jag ska packa med till Madrid och blivit helt besatt av att lyssna på Clash at Demonheads cover på Black Sheep, eller på Metric över huvud taget.

Solen skiner, jag ska på disputationsmiddag i kväll och sen ska jag ut och dansa. Det är bra.
Det mesta är faktiskt riktigt, riktigt bra.

Enkät.

2011-04-13T18:55:00.003+02:00

Det var länge sen jag fyllde en liknande enkät och tänkte att det kunde vara lite roligt. Kopierade den här från Vildvittra.

Nämn något som gjorde dig glad igår: Träffade Balsam och Veronica!
Vad gjorde du kl 08 imorse: Sov.
Vad gjorde du för 15 min sedan: Tömde ICA-kassen och fyllde kylen.
Det sista du sa högt: ”Det är ingen fara”.
Det senaste någon sa till dig: ”Tack”.
Vad har du druckit idag: Grönt te.
Vad var det senaste du åt: En sån där måltidsersättnings-bar, eller vad man nu kallar det.
Vad var det senaste du köpte: Juice, vaniljyoghurt, vitpeppar, rökt skinka och blockchoklad.
Vad är det för färg på din ytterdörr: Ljusbrunt trä.
Vad är det för väder hos dig nu: Lite småkyligt och blåsigt men fortfarande blå himmel.
Godaste glassmaken: Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Eller Rocky Road. Eller passionfruktssorbet. Jag går mycket efter humöret och vädret när jag väljer.
Tror du på kärlek vid första ögonkastet: Hah! Nej.
Sover du tungt: Ja.
Drömmer du mardrömmar: Ibland.
Trivs du med ditt jobb: Ja.
Favoritklädsel: Jag föredrar svart framför det mesta. Får gärna ha spetsdetaljer, massa knappar/hakar/snörning, eller en hög krage om det är en överdel. Annars är jag mycket för bekvämlighet och ett av favoritplaggen är en jeansjacka jag haft i 11 år.
Favoritlåt just nu: Covern på Metrics Black Sheep med Clash at Deamonhead, från Scott Pilgrim VS the World Soundtrack.
Vad ser du om du tittar till höger: Väggalmenackan och magnetiska anslagstavlan.
Vad gör dig glad just nu: Jag ska resa bort snart, det är vad jag tänker på mest hela tiden.
Vad ska du göra härnäst: Skriva klart en recension till jobbet.
Höger eller vänsterhänt: Höger.
Humör just nu: Saker känns helt OK. Jag är rätt uppåt just nu.
Favoritgodis: Hrm. Choklad. Och de där blårosa sötsyrliga lösgodisbitarna som smakar som bubbelgum och känns kolsyrade... Bubliz kanske de heter?
Kläder just nu: Mörka jeansleggings och en stor, svart skjorta som når ner över låren.
Sommarplaner: Jobba. Skriva på Masteruppsatsen. Flytta.
Hur många kuddar sover du med: En, ibland två.
Spelar du något instrument: Inte längre.
Morgon eller nattmänniska: Natt.
Vad är viktigast för dig: Massor med saker är "viktigast" för mig...
Är du kittlig: Lite.
Snarkar du: Bara när jag är förkyld.
Stjärntecken: Skorpion.
Äckligaste insekten: Jag är ganska likgiltig till de flesta insekter, utom kanske getingar och mygg. Däremot bör nämnas att alla på den här listan skrämmer livet ur mig.
Längtar du mest efter just nu: Madrid.

De Abril

2011-04-09T15:00:00.007+02:00

Spring has finally sprung in these parts of Sweden, and I am feeling relief and restlessness in an odd mixture. I cannot concentrate on school, knowing my trip to Spain is just around the corner, yet I try my best on not falling behind too much.

Also, I'm trying to get some reviews written, meet some friends and achieve some of the goals I had on my 25-list. I've finished reading Mario Vargas Llosa's The Bad Girl, which was amazingly well written, and left me sometimes pitying the protagonist and sometimes detesting him for his wishy-washy pathetic choices.
I've also bought a wig, and am waiting for it with great anticipation. If it arrives to Stockholm before I leave town, I might actually wear it to my friends dissertation dinner on friday (now wouldn't that be something?)

For the weekend, I visited my lovely friend E. We talked and talked, ate good food, delicious sweets, went for midnight walks, watched anime. I've missed her, and I had a great time. Also, she got me into watching some fun, easygoing anime, and it's been a while since I took the time in seeing some cute, funny shojo that wasn't work related. I ended up watching through the entire Lovely Complex-series during the week.

After a short, over night stop in Uppsala, I made my way to the capitol city. Being home at the same time as my brother makes for a crowded house of five once again, but we all keep pretty much diffirent hours, so it's not a bother. Me and my brother haven't had much time to hang out, but my sis and I have tea, talk and watch movies. We finally saw Tangled, and I thought it was great. I've heard some people being disapointed by the end, and to some degree I agree. It is slightly lame in comparison to the rest of the movie. But at the same time, it is classic Disney. Yet Tangled must adapt to new times: noone wants to see the helpless saps that played the former heroines (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, I'm looking at you) and Rapunzel is on par with the more edgy and brave girls like Mulan. I really enjoyed it, and Mother Gothels bitchy figure and psychological bashing made her a great villainess with an awesome song to boot.
Also, I've met some good friends, and will meet some more in the next following days. I went for a coffee with Tobe, which ended up in a two hour long, super hero- discussion. We're such nerds :P
I also visited my dearest Jo and her baby girl. Apart from a bit of tummy ache, she's a ray of sunshine, and she likes me it seems, which is always nice.

Finally, last night, me and some old friends had thai for dinner, than made it to the Royal Opera for the premiere of Coppelia. It was a humoristic and lovely performance, and since it was my first time at the ballet it made quite the impression. The entire thing has a slight Frankenstein-esque feel to it, with men making dolls they want to bring to life, and jealous lovestories, but the slight slap-stick aspect of it all gave it a light atmosphere. I was very happy about seeing it. Afterwards we went for drinks, and after some bar-hopping we decided to call it a night. I ended up sleeping for ten hours, then waking up and thinking we should most certainly do this again =)

Extracts

2011-03-29T12:45:00.004+02:00

There hasn't been much going on in my life lately, but I thought I'd gather my thoughts and recap the last weeks happenings anyway.

My new course started yesterday. "Feminist Theory: Perspectives from Continental Philosophy". I'm looking forward to it a lot. It'll be the third course within my Masters that I'll be taking at Center of Gender Studies.
It doesn't have scheduled classes the first weeks thought, so I'm visiting my friend E. in Gävle for the weekend for the first time in a year and a half! It'll be lovely. I'm hoping for more of the spring weather we've had here the last couple of days, but I'not holding my breath, it started snowing again today after all...
Then I'm spending the following week in Stockholm. Going to meet my family, celebrate my brothers birthday, meet friends and pick up literature for my new classes. I have some school work I really want to finish before going to Madrid for Easter, so I need to get started about now.

On another note, a friend of mine is moving back home to Bolivia. I was hoping he would stay the entire semester as most of the exchange students. But he's already been here for two years, and life's calling I guess.
Also, and old classmate and friend of mine got back from Japan about two weeks ago, and visited me spontaneously this Friday. As always, hanging out with him ensures hilarity and good stories, and I had missed him. After spending a year in Japan studying, he was incredibly lucky to get out just before all the mind-boggling catastrophes that hit the country. It is almost unbelieveble how one disaster has followed another, and the process of grieving and rebuilding will tax it's people heavily.

I think this about sums up what i've been thinking about lately. Not much, but I caught a really stubborn cold about two weeks back, which turned into a mean cough. Last week I had a doctors appointment and got a very effective cough-syrup that took care of the problem. As a side-effect, it also made me really tired, and I had a couple of nights of rest where I didn't even wake during the early morning hours, which was much appreciated. Actually, even after I stopped taking the medicine this weekend, I keep sleeping like the dead. Don't know what that's about, but I guess I needed the rest, which resulted in me having a lot of slow days lately.

Lastly, and completely unrelated to anything else: writer Diana Wynne Jones passed away this week. She was old, and had been fighting cancer for a couple of years, yet kept writing up until the very end, with a half finished book and many ideas left behind. She was one of the female fantasy authors that I enjoyed the most, and her Howl's Moving Castle still remains one of the most charming books I have ever read.

Late Night Update

2011-03-16T01:52:00.003+01:00

I caught a cold over night, and cancelled my plans for the day.
Instead I spent it all reading, knitting, browsing appartments online, cooking, and writing on reviews for work. Pretty productive in retrospective, I'd say.

Have a bit of difficulty sleeping with this cough, so I'm just gonna curl up on the couch, finish knitting my friends scarf, drink tea with honey and watch The Good Wife.

La Femme

2011-03-09T14:03:00.003+01:00

Yesterday was International Women's Day. It started out as a rights movement amongst working class women, and has throughout the years spread around the globe. Now in some areas, it has apparently lost some of it's original meaning. And in some parts of the world, women still don't have the basic rights to even be allowed to discuss their human rights.

In Sweden, it has becaome a tricky topic. Self-procliamed as "the worlds most equal country", a lot of people think that protesting for, and demanding of, female rights is ridiculous. Or, as I often hear: "You're pushing things too far."

In a so called equal society, feminism is becoming an insult. Men "don't like" feminists, because they're all man hating crazy women. It's obvious that feminists don't want equality, they actually just want a reverse order where women are on top. And some women don't like feminists, because it's "so obvious they're all just butch lesbians".

Not only do I think this way of thinking is repulsive, it is so ignorant. Men who think feminists are "out to get them", are actually just painting the world in clearer colors. You KNOW how priviliged you are. You know that you have the power of millenia of patriarchy at your back, and you're scared shitless of being pulled down from the top of the food chain.

And women who don't like feminists, often seem more concerened by how men percieve feminists, than what it actually stands for - equal rights. Not being belittled as just a kind of breeding cow, but accepted as a person with the same pre-disposed abilities to learn, to evolve, to proceed in a field of work.

I am sure there are pretty extreme feminists out there. Women who think men are the scum of the earth. That doesn't mean that they are supposed to represent everyone, in the same way some child molesting catholic priest doesn't represent all Christians, a man in a cave somewhere wearing a turban doesn't represent all muslims, and a wife beater doesn't represent all men. Statistically, most rapes are of women falling victim to men, most often men they already know. Family, friends. Just because horrendous things like this happens, it doesn't mean that all men are untrustworthy psychopaths. That because these men are monsters, all other men are to be lumped in together with those predetory sickos we see on news broadcasts.

What I'm trying to say is, there is no finding of truth in viewing the world through such ignorant eyes. Form you own opinion based on facts. See to what the root of an issue is before you judge a cause or the people fighting for it, and don't think that one fanatic is ever to represent a group.

Yesterday, was 8th of March, and yet another year in my life passes by where nothing much has changed in the worlds view on women. We stand for more than half the population of the world, but amongst our gender you find the poorest and the sickest. Women are left without rights to express themselves, without means to education, without material assets, and not even with the rights to their own bodies and sexuality.

And even in Sweden, "the worlds most equal country", women get lower wages for the same work as their male colleages, and are seen in much fewer positions of power. They are still denied employment because they stand the risk of getting pregnant, and therefore costing companies money. They are still seen as the home-maker despite the fact that many women work full time, and are expected to spend more time with they're children than the fathers. A father, who does not stay home at all with he's baby on paternaty leave, is still not uncommon. A woman who only takes the minimum of given maternaty leave to return to work, is regarded asa terrible and unsuiteble mother.

Why? Why are we not worth as much as our friends, brothers, lovers? And why do so many still ignore it? It's not about winning, or about who one-uped the other. This isn't about women's rights or men's loss of rights. It's about human rights. Who has them, and who doesn't. And why we keep accepting a society built on such disgusting values.

In the end, my main point is, how can you believe in human rights, in humanity and in a progressive society, and not be a feminist?

Sunshine Dreaming

2011-03-07T14:27:00.003+01:00

Jag är i Stockholm några dagar nu. Springer ärenden, får lite jobb gjort, träffar ett par vänner och är med familjen. Just nu är jag ensam hemma hos föräldrarna, har just ätit och pendlar mellan ifall jag borde plugga spanska eller läsa manga att recensera till jobbet.

Egentligen borde jag gå igenom min CV, som legat orörd sedan februari 2008. Jag har bara lektioner på fredag nu (kanske jag sagt?) och ett deltidsjobb skulle ju vara fantastiskt. Samtidigt betyder inte bristen av planerad lektionstid att jag har lite att göra i skolan, snarare är det fullt upp. Så å ena sidan oroar jag mig för att ett deltidsjobb ska komma i vägen för skolarbetet (så som det alltid gjort), samtidigt som jag både vill ha något som bryter av mot studielivet och behöver en ny inkomstkälla. Lagom till sommaren tänkte jag flytta ut från korridoren, och det skulle vara skönt om jag antingen har en deltidstjänst eller lite sparade pengar att utnyttja.

Värst är att jag mest av allt bara vill bort. Jag vet att våren äntligen börjar närma sig, och ja ja ja, jag älskar att det töar och att solen skiner bakom rutan tills platsen i soffan blir alldeles varm där jag sitter, och hur jag de senaste dagarna ångrat att jag inte tagit med solglasögonen så snart jag stigit ut ur huset. Men det hjälper inte. Det räcker inte.
Det är för sent för mig för nu har jag redan resan i huvudet och det river i mig av viljan att komma bort, att uppleva annat att gå på nya gator, äta ny mat, dricka annat vin, låta solljuset smeka benen och solglasögonen hålla tillbaka håret.
I november intygade mig mina grannar spanjorskorna, att jag borde hälsa på de i Madrid kommande år. I den iskalla novemberkylan, -20 redan veckan efter min födelsedag, var det som om någon fångat mitt hjärta med en fiskekrok och bara vevade in mig. Jag ville plötsligt inget hellre. Det var allt jag kunde tänka på första veckan. Men jag hade inte råd, inte tid och så stod jag inte ut med tanken på att åka någonstans varmt och skönt (inte för att Madrid inte har vinter, men de lyckades ändå ha det mer än 15 grader varmare än Stockholm/Uppsala), och sedan komma tillbaka till det här.

Så vi planerade, funderade, och i julas bestämde vi oss för att åka till påsken. Nu närmar sig utsatt datum. Jag skrapar ihop lön, sparpengar och ber om gamla utlånade pengar tillbaka. Jag försöker att inte unna mig några utsvävningar den närmaste månaden, lägger undan det jag har, medan kroppen känns nästan elektriskt laddad av förväntningar, av en längtan hos någon som åtrår något med tunnelseendets intensivitet.

Casa del Corazón

2011-03-02T23:30:00.002+01:00

Today marked the two year anniversary of me getting the appartment keys to my place in Uppsala. I really can't believe I've already lived here for two full years. This place, this small corridor room, with it's shared kitchen space and all it's ever-changing neighbours, has turned my entire life upside-down.

I was another person when I got here, which sometimes feels like just yesterday (and just as often feels like forever ago). I've learned a lot of things: that I'm stronger than I thought, and more resilent. I'm less scared of new things now, more excited by the prospect of new adventures. I'm happier than when I got here. Richer in terms of experiences, in seeing and understanding the world, and most of all in friendships.

I've gotten to know a lot of wonderful people. Caring, un-inhibited, clever, witty, supportive, encuraging, party-loving, trusting, loyal people who have shared everything from their laughs, pain, their bad habits and their good sides with me. I love them, and though some of them have moved on and live far away from me now, I miss them and think of them. Remember them and cherish what they have given me.
I can't count the nights we've been up just talking. Or the times we stumble in at one, three or five in the morning, dead tired from dancing and tipsy, just to start cook right then and there for 10 people or more. Or the ridiculous corridor parties we've had, with the nightmarish amount of cleaning lined up for us the days after. The movie-nights, the cardgames, the travelling, the danicing and clubbing, the sharing of news and stories from home over cups of tea, the lazying about in the sun... I've been very lucky to have gotten a second family like this one.

Ofcourse, nothing is always good. There's been rough times. Stress, sickness, bad news, dissapointments. But all the many ups and downs included, it's been amazing. I really wish I could thank each of the crazy bastards that made my corridor (or Horridor, as it is so affectionally called, with a lot of varied spellings depending on who's talking...) life such a laugh. It's been like nothing else, and I doubt anything in my future, despite how great it might be, will ever compare to the insanity that has been my past two years. It's been quite the party.

Summer in a Box

2011-02-25T17:05:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, I faced my non-sensical fear of tanning beds, and went to the local beauty salon. It's located only two buildings away from where I live, and I basically only knew it as "that place next to the laundromat". Afterwards, I could see a subtle tanline too, but there was no real diffirence, which is probably good after such a short first visit. Wouldn't wanna turn orange or anything.

Anyway, as previously mentioned, I was recommended by a Californian former neighbour, as well as a Swedish neighbour, to try the tanning bed this winter. They said the warmth and the light did wonders for their mood during Swedish winter. I decided to give it a try, hoping that it would help so that I would have something to help me get through my down-ward spiralling moods in the future dark seasons of the year.

It was pretty good, I must say. Though I only tried it for 10 minutes, it was nice and warm, without being uncomfortable and sweaty. Also, the fan close to the head gave this breeze-like sound slightly reminicent to the sounds of being close to the sea (if you tried hard to imagine it...). Initially, I was a bit freaked out by the whole thing, laying there and basically closing the lid on yourself. But half way through, it was hard not to be swept away by the lovely feeling of being all warm, as if the sun was actually out and shining and glorious again.
I'll probably go back for a 15 minut visit next month.

Balance

2011-02-21T15:48:00.004+01:00

Friday was spent in a whirlwind haze of ambitiously trying to do all my household chores at once.
I spent the day doing laundry, vacuuming, doing loads of dishes, baking chocolate cupcakes and pineapple pie, grocery shopping, folding laundry, as well as attending my afternoon classes.

At 8.30PM, three of my friends from Stockholm arrived, and an entire weekend of talking, eating, drinking coctails, playing cardgames and laughing ensued. On Saturday, we joined other of our friends and kept up the small scale but thorough partying all night.
They drove off again last night after 48 hours of joint lazying about, and left me planning for a week of studying, working out and other thing the weekends gluttony should inspire.

Ofcourse, those are all plans procrastinated until tomorrow. Today is about reading, watching movies and perhaps studying some Spanish, if I'm up for it. Mostly just reading, I think. I'm gonna keep it all very low-key and un-ambitious today. I'm all about balance, after all.

On a completely seperate note, I miss Gorka and Amie very much...

Year 6

2011-02-14T23:50:00.002+01:00

Honestly, when I "launched" this small scale project of mine, I don't think I ever believed it would be holding my interest for so long. Today marked the start of it's sixth year online. And though it has been un-even in regards to updates, it holds alot of dear memories, and many reminders of who I used to be. Or who I am and why.

A year ago, I remarked on not wanting to share as much of my life online anymore. I think that is still the case, but I don't mind going back to more regular and daily updates again. I've also started another blog, and I write more fiction on my spare time. It makes me happy.
This has during long periods of time been the only place where I have gotten any writing done, apart from school-related assignments and reviews for work. It might not have been what I would have preferably written, but it has been something, and that makes it worth keeping up.

Also worth noting, my life as a whole feels more structured than it did this time a year ago, and the change is a welcomed one. It looks like I'll be staying in Uppsala for yet another year as well, and I feel no restlessness connected to the thought.
Though I must add that I wouldn't turn down some travelling, especially when the thermometor, as it does right now, displays a -18degrees Celsius...

Stylo

2011-02-10T13:25:00.008+01:00

During the past week, I've been doing some part-time work, preparing for a jurist conference on insolvency (yeah, it's probably as fun as it sounds, to be a lawyer...) here in town.
It's a few extra bucks for my planned trip to Madrid, and might lead to some additional small scale project-employments of the kind in the future.

Since I'm used to having classes in the afternoon and getting up late during the days, working so early is cutting in on my sleep hours. I mean, today I had to get up at 10 to 6. That's just wrong. But hopefully, it'll get me on a better routine, and I'll stop going to bed so terribly late (wishful thinking). Also, I haven't been to the gym again this week, and it's getting me a bit annoyed (which is a good sign! Not long ago I couldn't have cared less). But atleast I've been doing some walking. The office is on the other side of town, so it's a 45 minut walk at it's minimum in these weather conditions.

The other night, walking back home in the cold and dark, me and my friend were passed by a bike. The biker turned around and called my name, and to my surprise it was my former neighbour. He and his wife are really sweet people who recently moved out because they could not live with such crazy, loud people. They even apologized for not staying! We're very understanding of the fact that we are the problem, and forgive them for not loving us unconditionally :P
The point is, he had seen me from behind at quite the distance and still known it was me. It turns out, as he put it, he had "recognized that crappy hat", hahaha! I pretended to be truly offended and claimed that I loved my hat. He laughed and said that the boots also gave me away.
I thought about it for a second and replied in agreement "Yeah, makes sense. How many other girls do you know who wear big fur hats from the men's department, combat-like boots and a frilly skirt at the same time?"

I have an eclectic sense of style.

Säg Omelett

2011-02-07T00:29:00.004+01:00

I ett förvirrat, svagt och alldeles för nyfiket ögonblick har jag gått med på att klä ut mig till en spelkaraktär till Ninas fotoprojekt.

Jag har aldrig varit förtjust i att fotograferas, och lyckas därför aldrig sitta still när jag är medveten om att kameralinsen har satt mig i fokus. Särskilt på senare år tror jag att det blivit värre. Men till och med som yngre tyckte jag alltid att jag blev konstig på bild, och det är kanske det obekväma kroppsspråket som är problemet.
Fördelen med detta projekt är som sagt att jag är utklädd, med peruk och allt annats som hör därtill. Jag behöver därför inte oroa mig för hur jag ser ut, för det är heller inte meningen att jag ska likna mig själv.

Har dock bestämt mig för att om fotosessionen går bra, så ska jag ställa upp på att bli fotograferad av Björn också. Han har frågat tidigare, och trots att jag imponerats av andra bilder han tagit så har jag aldrig vågat. Kanske om jag får ha peruk?

Goodbye/Hello

2011-02-05T23:31:00.002+01:00

I've started out this year with a whole lot of non-blogging, and it's time for a belated update.

I'm attending a new course named (atleast I think the translation would be) Representations of Diversity, which is held by the Center av Gender Studies at Uppsala University. I really like how the Master program in Humanities gives you the opportunity to read many courses outside your own main field as a part of the two year study. Of course, I still really like literature, and am still pleased with my major, but a lot of the mandatory classes have been a snooze at the best.

Other than the course, I should really plan on getting back to writing my thesis. Haven't really touched it for a couple of months now. I do some research, but I think it's about time I get something down on paper. I hope to have finished a 30 page draft by Easter.

And when mentioning Easter, I plan to go visit some friends in Madrid for the holidays! I've never been to Spain and look forward to sun and sights. Also, it gives me a good timespan for practicing basic skills in Spanish. I've gotten some language courses from the local library, and from this week I will be studying Spanish for atleast four hours a week. That is more than what they schedualed for our third language in school, when I started out with French in sixth grade. So hopefully, there will be some results. It also would be nice to make som progress on my goals for this year.

Talking goals, I've been watching some of the movies I'd like to cross off of my IMDb-list. Saw Casablanca with my sister and C'era una volta il West with my dad. He had seen it before, but like me, he usually doesn't mind re-watching movies.
It should also be mentioned that I went on a 40hour cruise to Riga with some of my neighbours in the beginning of January. This effectively both marked the 25-list boxes for "Visiting a European capitol I've never been to" and "dare to sing kareoke" which I managed to part-take in on the cruise ship, even though the results varied alot. Riga in itself was pretty (atleast the Old Town) but freezing, so we spent most of the time there shopping and eating.

Back in Sweden, I've spent my time figuring stuff out.
It sounds silly, but it's true.
I need to structure my studying better. And I need to get a part-time job. I have the time since I don't have that many classes, and I do homework better in the evenings and at night. So, a job. Though how I'll get that in a city full of money-starved students is beyond me. But I'll try. I'm down with a serious case of hit-the-road-blues, and you can't travel nowhere if you don't have the coins for it.

I've also been trying to make the most out of my time with friends who have been leaving. For Christmas break, my crazy yet darling former neighbour G came to visit us, and though I wish we had time to see more of eachother, it was wonderful yet sad to have her here. Three weeks after she left again, the second one of my two close exchange-student friends packed up her bags and flew cross-Atlantic. After more than three years in this town, she decided to find new adventures elsewhere. Though I am happy for her and all the oppurtunities San Fransisco will offer her, A left another dent in my already bruised heart when she left this week. I've cried over both of my friends, and even though I believe that I will see them again for sure, the loss of them as a part of my daily life weighs me down more than usual some days.

Yet as a symbolic sign from life itself though, one of my closest friends officially became a resident of Uppsala just the day after A left. And it feels lovely of course. There will always be good people in my life, it's just that noone replaces the other, and noone fills the empty space left by another. That is good, but also heavy for the heart.
Moving his stuff in, and helping out with whatever I could, made me think about how much things you actually collect. I haven't given it the slightest thought in almost two years, since I moved to Uppsala. But the leaving of many friends has left me the inheritor of a lot more things than I got here with. The more I consider it, the more I think it's time for me to go through my things and get rid of all that is truly useless to me, but that I've saved "just in case" (and I wouldn't be surprised if the amount of crap could fill out an entire wardrobe or something).
Or, I could always move to a bigger place. Which gets another string of thoughts jumbled together in my head waiting to be heard and observed, and a whole row of emotions waiting to be untangled just by the thought of moving on yet again.

But that is life, and as mentioned, I'm trying to figure it out.

Ain't No Sunshine

2011-01-19T14:13:00.004+01:00

New semester starts this week on friday, and I am gathering books at the libraries in hopes of keeping the costs for new literature to the minimum. It's happened too many times that I never open a book again after the classes have reached their end, and I've tried very hard to not buy any books I won't have any interest in later.

At the moment, I'm looking over both my economy and my study-plans, and feel like I need to do some serious reconsidering. I spend too much money on books, food, going out dancing, and I know that if I just made an effort, I'd be able to save up some at the end of every month instead of using up almost all of it. Also, I need to get new habits when it comes to studying. As always, I study way too late at night, and usually always too close to deadline. It has, I must admit, worked well for me in the past years. But I'm getting older and I truly prefer some good, stable hours of sleep. And, I really want to try and hit the gym more than twice a week (unfortunately, this week has been a complete no-go), which means better routines all together.

All of this would be so much easier if I didn't despise the cold so much. Winter season drains me, and I don't like to go out when it's cold, and end up sleeping all the odd hours of the day. When I finally manage to socialize, it's always to go out for dinner or movies or dancing, activities that cost and once again keep me indoors.
On the recommendation of a Californian friend, I think I'm gonna try the tanning salon. He said it really helped him not to feel tired and light-starved while he lived in Sweden. It would be terriffic if it worked. And wierd to some degree, because it means I could have saved myself years of seasonal sadness with some artificial light baths once a month for years. Then again, it might not be the case. I am still unreasonably scared of the tanning bed and it's coffin-like shape, and in the back of my head a voice keeps warning me that the thing might get all jammed and have me lie there stuck inside it. I know it's unlikely, but fear doesn't have to make sense.

Then again, this entire year is supposed to be about facing fears, getting a hold of my life, getting new routines and trying new things. If you have to start somewhere, it might as well be on a tanning bed as anywhere else.

Dear World,

2011-01-05T01:15:00.006+01:00

you keep turning, I get older and life goes on.
Last year was better than the ones just previous, and despite ups-and-downs, I ended it happier and healthier than I started it.

Christmas holidays was all about being with family, eating and resting alot. New Years was about friends; laughing and hoping.

As always, I wish for a year better than the one before. I danced in to the new year with the same joy I hope to dance through it with. Always turning, always dreaming, always burning brightly.

Stroke of Midnight 2010/2011

Hermanita

2010-12-27T02:39:00.003+01:00

Tonight I had a long talk with my sister, and we sat laughing at memories, photos from family trips and old conversations we'd had. One of the funniest stories turned out to be when she had accidentally dropped a container of eyeshadow on my rug. Now, the eyeshadow was black powder, and the handmade rug was bought in Iran and had a cream-colored backdrop. It was like she had emptied the soot from an open fire place on it. She and her friend, both in the ages of 10-11, had tried to get the soot out in all the wrong ways, and by the time the shit hit the fan, they had pretty much made a worse mess out of it. I came home the day after and almost wrung her neck. Today, it's a hoot.

This memory also led to the conclusion that some things hadn't really changed. My sister told me, that when under pressure or stressed, she still becomes pretty much useless. I replied that it was good to know, and that in time of war, I might have to sacrifice her since she would be such a liability.

Sisterhood is obviously about honesty, humor and messing up. Who the Hell needs "ya-ya's" and Travelling Pants?

Yule-time Reading

2010-12-26T01:28:00.008+01:00

We spent the Christmas at my aunts again this year. Food was great, company was nice, gifts were much appreciated. Weather was colder than I like, but then again I spent all my time eating and sleeping. I love holidays, it makes me catch up on everything that I haven't been getting enough of regularly, and the last weeks of the school term, that tends to be good food and rest.
I'll be spending the next five days in Stockholm with friends and family, doing some reading, studying, shopping... then it's back to Uppsala for New Years.

And, talking about reading, one of my christmas gifts was Nobel prize winner Mario Vargas Llosa's book The Bad Girl. It'll fit well into my goal of reading books by atleast five authors this year whos native tongue isn't Swedish or English. I will ofcourse read translations anyway, but it's the idea that counts. At the moment, the nominated books are:

1. The Master and Margarita - Mikhail Bulgakov
2. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel García Márquez
3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles - Haruki Murakami
4. The Bad Girl - Mario Vargas Llosa

This leaves me with one empty spot. Two, if I decide that I should have only one author representing any language.
Recommendations are much welcomed.

Post - it.

2010-12-19T07:41:00.003+01:00

I'm folding laundry. I thought this was so interesting a thing I share it with the interworld.

No, really. It's quarter to 8 in the morning. Since I'm up I might as well be useful. I'm folding laundry, and I'm making a big breakfast. After that, the plan of the day goes somewhat like this: say goodbye to neighbours that are going home for Christmas, study, eat lunch, take a short nap, study more, go to the gym, have tea with a friend, study more, sleep like the dead.

Soundtrack of the day: Neon Trees - Animal

Livskvalitet

2010-12-16T22:49:00.004+01:00

Igår deltog jag i en undersökning som hålls ungefär vart tionde år av Statistiska Central Byrån.
Undersökningen handlar om svenskars livskvalitet och hälsa, och har gjorts de senaste decennierna. Blir man av slump utvald en gång, kommer man att kontaktas igen nästa gång undersökningen görs. Om man låter sina barn delta, så kommer även de att kontaktas nästa gång det är dags för undersökningen. Sist jag deltog var jag fjorton.

Igår dök det upp en kvinna, och efter nästan en och en halv timma hade jag svarat på tillräckligt många frågor för att den här kvinnan skulle veta mer om mig än en del av mina bekanta vet.
Det är tänkt att du ska svara på dessa standardiserade frågor med ett "ja" eller "nej". Ibland finns flera alternativ, men dessa är också i stort sett indelade i jakande och nekande svar, förutom om man svarar "Vet ej".

Det är frågor om ens sysselsättning, ens studier och jobb och boende. Ens bakgrund och föräldrars bakgrund. Om man bott utomlands, hur länge man arbetat, om man har fritidssysselsättningar, om man känner sig frisk och kry, om man har vänner och är lycklig.

I slutändan kom jag fram till att jag må ha ont i kroppen och känna mig trött, och kanske inte alltid veta vart jag är på väg, men jag är inte olycklig. Jag mår förhållandevist bra, har åstadkommit en del, misslyckats med en del annat, gått vidare från motgångar, uppskattat framgångar, lärt känna mycket människor på gott och ont, sett mig omkring lite i världen, drömt mycket större än jag haft möjligheter att uppfylla, gråtit mycket, skrattat ännu mer och lärt mig tycka om mig själv. Jag är glad. Och det är skönt att kunna gå in i nya året med den vetskapen.

Tron: Legacy

2010-12-10T05:44:00.002+01:00

Just two days ago, I could listen to most of the Tron: Legacy soundtrack on Spotify. I didn't go through it all, but some of the tracks left me hoping for more, while many were great. I was a bit unsure as to what to think, since I usually love Daft Punk (they're the primary reason to why I even want to see the movie).
But then I went to bed, and after I woke up, Spotify had reduced the amount of songs to only four tracks! To hear all the songs, you obviously have to have Spotify Premium now.
I'm quite bitter about it.

But yesterday, my neighbour got his hands on it, and after a bit more of a listening through, I came to the conclusion that the soundtrack really is awesome (still have 2-3 tracks I'm not all that content with) and that Daft Punk as always are pure genius. Happiness!

Winter Weekends

2010-12-07T01:48:00.004+01:00

I spent the weekend in Stockholm, celebrating a dear friends 30th birthday (and as it turned out, also her engagement!), and trying to study for an exam. I had great fun on Saturday, even though I wasn't able to keep myself on my schedualed food-routine (must stop making excuses, even though birthday parties and engagements mixed up with a house-warming party is a pretty big deal). It's good to see people I don't get to see much during the year, and I'm always reminded of how much I miss them. I'm also always just as reminded of how good it feels to have a comfortable couple of laughs and hugs with people who know you well, and whom you can share both amusing stories as well as comfortable silences with.

Sunday on the other hand mostly went to studying, reading up on old course literature and trying to make someting of it. I managed to finish the exam and send it in before deadline. Hopefully, it'll pass, and it'll be the last I see of it.
On the negative side, I spent an entire weekend home, but did not manage more than an hours film or less with my sister, as well as a late lunch on friday. We tried to hang out some and talk, but both had studies and plans. I don't think I even managed to time in a decent meal with my folks, but we had a couple of cups of tea together, and all in all it was pretty relaxing. For Christmas break, I'm gonna ask dad to teach me how to prepare and cook the Christmas ham the way he does, and I'm gonna try to catch up with my mom and see if we can get through a couple of episodes of In Treatment (which btw, is a awesome show. Gabriel Byrnes and Judi Dench are fabulous, and the fact that the entire dynamic of each episode almost solely focuses on a dialog between two people is simply masterful). She got the first season box-set for her birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I've really taken a liking to it, so we try to watch episodes together whenever I'm home.

Anyways, I got back to Uppsala this afternoon, after such delays I would have managed to take an entire roundabout trip between Stockholm-Uppsala in the time I had to wait alone. I came home, took a three hour long nap, then headed out to buy food for tonights dinner. We made sushi for 20 people, and it ended up with a cost of 20kr/head, which was great. It'll probably be the last time of the year I'll eat sushi. It's really healthy food and all, but I should try to follow my diet more strictly.

Tomorrow (later on today actually), the plan is to clean up my messy room, get some writing done for work, decide on the subject for this semesters final paper, start wrapping some gifts and go see Västgöta Nations advent concert in church downtown (musical preformances is one of the few reasons I ever set foot in church). I'm trying to get into the holliday spirit, which would lend a more charming glow to the incessant cold. I also feel like decorating. I've already decided on having a Christmas tree. Yes, I am aware that my home is just about 19 square meters, and already full of furniture. But there's no saying I can't have a small tree for my small room. And maybe I'll buy some tassel and lights while I'm at it.

Sugar, Oh Honey Honey.

2010-11-30T20:55:00.004+01:00

One of the goals on my 25-list, is to lose weight. This plan has been in motion, albeight serious slow motion, for a very long time. This summer, I tried on a slightly adjusted version of the Ducan Diet, on a friends recommendation. It was surprisingly effective. Almost too much so. I decided that I should take things a bit slower, and started with excluding carbs from my meals. Not all together, but for someone with a sugar addiction, it took it's time and really did help. After that, I got a gym card in September.

So after changing my diet to some degree, and starting to go to the gym, you'd think I was making progress. In some way, that's true. But I lack in character, so as soon as I got sick, I reverted into former habits and gained the few kilos I had lost. By my 25th birthday, I realized that I might as well start over comepletely. I decided to re-start my sugar-blog, which had after one sole post went into a deep sleep of oblivion, and start taking my health seriously.

As of yesterday, you can read about my bouts with sugar, my fondness for baking, my progress and failiure when dieting and my irregular visits to the gym, here:

Put The Cookie Down

Good To Know

2010-11-28T17:00:00.001+01:00

Your Eyes Open

2010-11-27T19:45:00.007+01:00

Jag har efter ett par månader av att skära ner på kolhydrater och äta bättre, slarvat dryga sista månaden och gått upp i vikt igen. Så i förrgår gav jag efter och bestämde mig för att kompromisser inte riktigt är lyckade i min livssituation och påbörjade min diet. Mer om det i andra bloggen som ska tas ur ide nu i helgen.

Annars har jag i veckan utnyttjat massa erbjudanden och rabattkuponger och använt en del av mina födelsedagspengar till att köpa saker jag behöver (som nya träningskläder, varma inläggssulor, jeansleggins, varma strumpbyxor och en cardigan) samt saker jag velat ha jättelänge (som en ny parfym och en kavaj). Annars går allt sakta men säkert frammåt.
Jag är så fruktansvärt trött bara, och önskar att jag vore mindre ängslig. Jag försöker bli mer regelbunden med träningen så att det balanserar bra med orken och sovrytm, men mest av allt vill jag ha en natts ordentlig sömn. Det var en vecka sen sist och jag börjar bli lite grinig.

Plugget går OK, jag ligger nästan helt ikapp med allt, och det var ett tag sen sist det var fallet, tyvärr. Men det känns bra. Jag har tenta som ska in om en vecka och ett PM som borde vara in strax innan dess, och det borde inte vara några större problem.
För tillfället läser jag en kurs i textkritik. Detta innebär inte hur man tolkar och analyserar texten, utan snarare hur man kritiserar bibliografin, upplagan, vad som specifierar just detta tryck med varianter, kommentarer etc. Det är ett oväntat brett ämne som bär på nästa obetydligt intresse för min del. Jag tycker det är smärtsamt tråkigt. Men det är nyttigt att kunna om jag en dag jobbar på förlag och våra kursansvariga lärare är extremt kompetenta och engagerade i sitt ämne, så det uppväger för min grundläggande brist på passion till ämnet, åtminstone något.

Intressant är att jag vid första kurstillfälle upptäckte att vi:
1) var elva elever i klassen, och att
2) fem av dessa var män i åldrarna ~20-50 och sex av oss var kvinnor i åldrarna ~20-60, samt
3) att eleverna delat upp sig med bara män på vänster sida om läraren och kvinnor på höger sida.

Jag satt i mitten, mittemot läraren, och tyckte att hela situationen var löjeväckande och extremt talande på allra sorgligaste vis. Vad är det som gör att folk känner en sådan tydlig gräns i klassrummet ända upp i vuxen ålder? Vi vet ju att könsrollerna i klassrummet finns, i alla åldrar, men som vuxna måste det väl gå att påverka sin situation mer aktivt? På rasten beblandar man sig, men efter kaffet är det åter till platser som skriker positionering. Man intar en plats där styrkan finns, man håller sig till sina egna.
Jag kände mig oerhört nöjd när läraren kastade om hela ordningen inför gruppdiskussion och fick alla att sitta på helt nya platser (som om vi ännu vore barn) och att det redan två lektionstillfällen senare börjat luckras upp i leden.

"My melancholy baby, the Star of Mazzy must..."

2010-11-22T20:01:00.005+01:00

Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear

I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate

It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust

-"Into Dust", Mazzy Star

Film-O-Rama

2010-11-14T19:43:00.008+01:00

Som ett av mina mål på "25 Under 25"-listan, har jag att se de 25 filmer som listats som allra bäst på IMDb. Eftersom detta självklart är föränderligt (och starkt baserat på vilka filmer som blivit tillfälliga succéer runt sina premiärer de senaste åren) kopierade jag den 4/11 listan från hemsidan, och kommer utgå från vad som var aktuellt den dagen.

Så om någon vill göra mig sällskap är det bara att höra av sig. Jag tänkte se västern-filmerna med pappa, men ni som i flera år tjatat på att jag bör se Star Wars har ju chansen att se det hända nu.

1.	9.2	~~The Shawshank Redemtion~~ (1994)	530,272
2.	9.1	The Godfather (1972)	417,878
3.	9.0	The Godfather II (1974)	250,223
4.	8.9	Inception (2010)	215,887
5.	8.9	Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo (1966)	164,210
6.	8.9	~~Pulp Fiction~~ ~~(1994)~~	425,177
7.	8.9	Schindler's List (1993)	281,389
8.	8.9	12 Angry Men (1957)	122,269
9.	8.8	~~One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest~~ (1975)	218,796
10.	8.8	~~The Dark Knight~~ ~~(2008)~~	474,073
11.	8.8	Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)	282,356
12.	8.8	The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)	370,392
13.	8.8	Shichinin no Samurai (1954)	98,432
14.	8.7	Star Wars (1977)	325,569
15.	8.7	Goodfellas (1990)	233,683
16.	8.7	~~Casablanca~~ ~~(1942)~~	170,397
17.	8.7	Fight Club (1999)	390,123
18.	8.7	Cidade de Deus (2002)	170,787
19.	8.7	The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)	393,893
20.	8.7	Toy Story 3 (2010)	77,869
21.	8.7	~~Rear Window~~ ~~(1954)~~	120,715
22.	8.7	~~Raiders of the Lost Ark~~ (1981)	246,258
23.	8.7	~~C'era una volta il West~~ ~~(1968)~~	75,805
24.	8.7	~~Psycho~~ (1960)	146,350
25.	8.7	~~The Usual Suspects~~ (1995)

Dacia Näcken

2010-11-11T14:07:00.003+01:00

Trots att reklam är den mest oattraktiva aspekten med att inte ha Spotify Premium, så är jag hyfsat van vid att stänga ut sådant jag finner irriterande (ljud, människor, you name it). Men på sistone har en reklamsnutt fångat mitt intresse, och efter att ha hört den i en vecka så tycker jag fortfarande att den är fantastiskt rolig.
Finns det ett årligt reklampris? Jag vill nominera den här:

"Är du en gammal gubbe med bockfötter som sålt din själ till Djävulen för att få sitta i en bäck och spela fiol? Lockar inte ditt briljanta fiolspel ut damerna på samma sätt som för 250 år sedan?
Köp i så fall en Dacia Duster från osannolika 134900. En äkta fyrhjulsdriven terrrängbil som tar dig hela vägen från bäcken in till staden där vi andra har bott ett tag nu..."

Stilla hjärtat, vila i värmen

2010-11-10T23:16:00.005+01:00

I förra veckan fyllde jag 25. Jag firade det med att bjuda på fika i min korridor. Tanken var att det skulle vara ganska litet då jag vet att folk har annat för sig på vardagar. Jag hade heller ingen möjlighet att erbjuda sängplats till några långväga gäster då jag redan hade lillasyster boende hos mig och själv skulle ut på landet från fredag-söndag. Så i slutändan valde jag att bara bjuda vänner och bekanta från Uppsala, samt lite folk från Stockholm som kanske skulle kunna dyka upp då de har bil eller deltidsjobb.

Vi blev 40 personer. Någonstans i bakhuvudet hade jag trott att fler skulle avböja då det var vardagskväll, men fika lockar tydligen fler än bara än de sockerberoende. Efter att musiken krånglat och vi fick ta till alternativ spellista än min systers fina 20-tals jazz, så blev det kakor av alla dess slag, sangria och massa fina och uppklädda vänner.

Jag fick gratulationer i person och över nätet, hjälp i köket, jättefina presenter, gott sällskap, och sms från i princip hela världens hörn. Så när stressen lagt sig, när folk såg mätta och belåtna ut, när jag accepterat att jag antagligen inte skulle hinna byta mer än tre ord med någon, så tog jag mig verkligen tid att känna efter hur jag mådde inför tanken på att bli ett kvarts sekel.

Jag känner mig lyckligt lottad. Jag är frisk, jag är glad. Jag jobbar rätt hårt på att ta hand om studier, skola, mig själv och mitt sociala liv. Jag har en jättefin familj som jag älskar och som får mig att känna mig älskad. Jag tar mig tid att vara kreativ, och har i olika syfte producerat mer text det senaste kvartalet än jag gjort på nästan två år innan dess. Och jag är omgiven av folk som jag tycker om och som får mig att på alla möjliga sätt känna mig bra och uppskattad.

Tack, tack, tack.
Ni är fantastiska, och jag är lyckligt lottad som får ta del av detta överflöd av omtanke.

25 While 25

2010-10-22T02:29:00.014+02:00

I'm closing in on my 25th birthday. Now in all honesty, I can't help but feel a bit old even though I know I'm really not. And I do know I've accomplished a lot, yet feel like I haven't really. So, instead of making the following year my plunging into quarter-life crisis, I've decided to make it a year of adventure, projects and new experiences.

Inspired by lists like "101 things to do in 1001 day", and the book I got for my 20th birthday, "101 things to do before you die" (seriously, it's a tough one to finish. I mean, what kind of psycho wants to swim with sharks and chase down tornadoes anyways?), I've decided to make my own list: 25 While 25.
As it implies, the purpose is to finish all 25 goals within the year that I am 25, from November 4th 2010, to a minute to midnight November 3d 2011. Not only does the idea appeal in that it seems fun, but it also might give me the push I need to finish or try out a lot of things I've been procrastinating for years.

So, without further ado, The List:

1. ~~Have a massive cake-fest and only serve great amounts of home-made sweets.~~
2. Get a massage or SPA-treatment.
3. Attend a ballet.
4. See an opera, which has to be in German or Italian.
5. Write a postcard/ letter each month, and to a different person each time.
6. Reach my ideal weight of 58kilos, and stay there.
7. Participate and finish in the all female race "Tjej-milen".
8. Finish my Master thesis.
9. Get a tattoo.
10. Learn conversational Spanish.
11. Visit a European capitol I haven't been to yet.
12. Take a trip to Japan.
13. Read 5 authors who's native language is neither Swedish nor English.
14. See the top 25 movies on IMDb's greatest - list.
15. Participate in a short-story contest where first prize exceeds 10.000SEK.
16. Attend a Pride-parade.
17. Move.
18. Throw a real house-warming party.
19. Buy a wig and use it randomly in my everyday life.
20. Go to a karaoke bar and dare to sing.
21. Attend a real ball, with a white tie dress code.
22. Get an internship at a publishing house.
23. Become a member of a political party.
24. Re-start and maintain the sugar-blog, with at least an update a week.
25. Donate blood.

(Everything in burgundy italics is a started but not yet finished project.)
There are a lot of things to do, and one day I might start a "101 things in a 1001 days"-list. But until then, I think this is quite ambitious as it is.

Aniara

2010-10-21T17:57:00.005+02:00

I tisdags var jag och såg generalrepetitionen av Stadsteaterns Aniara. Baserad på Harry Martinssons unika rymdäventyr, om flyktingskeppet Aniara som slungas ur sin bana på väg till Mars.
Det är en storsatsning av Stadsteatern inför sitt 50års jubileum, och skådespelarna är inte att fnysa åt. Från stora scenskådisar till musikaltalanger, med musik av Kleerup, har man verkligen försökt göra det här till en fantastisk föreställning som lever upp till sitt rykte.

Men i ärlighetens namn var det nog inte för mig. Jag har aldrig läst Aniara, fastän jag många gånger tänkt på saken. Jag har därför inget att väga och jämföra pjäsen mot. Samspelet mellan musik och ord är riktigt bra, och alla spelar sina roller fantastiskt bra, från den tragikomiske Högkomiker Sandon (Dan Ekborg) och den sorgligen Mimaroben (Sven Ahlström), till den livsglada Daisy (Sara Jangfeldt).
Att jag lämnades likgiltig inför vissa karaktärer var nog inte så mycket beroende av hur de spelats, utan just för att karaktärerna är vilsna och tomma ute i rymden, och försvarsmekanismerna de faller tillbaka på (fakta, information, ignorans) gör dem till endimentionella och tråkiga.

Det blomstrande språk som Harry Martinsson är så känd för gör dock det här en svårbegriplig upplevelse. I början trodde jag att min ovana ledde till den vilsna känslan. Men i pausen då jag och mitt sällskap försökte gå igenom allt som hänt för att få en ordentlig överblick, hörde jag flera i publiken diskutera sin förvirring. Aniara är tung läsning, och därför tung underhållning. Det är en depprimerande och förvirrande historia, och dessa vilsekomna öden som kastas hit och dit i rymdens oändliga kyla faller tillbaka på allt till kulter, sex, förtryck och verklighetsflykt för att klara sig igenom sina decennier av ensamhet.

Det är faktiskt på många sätt långdraget, svårförståeligt och mot slutet även något tröttsamt. Unik föreställning? Ja. Underhållande? Nej, inte egentligen. Men jag är glad att jag såg den. Inte bara för upplevelsens skull, utan för föreställningens höjdpunkt: sången. Nu menar jag inte Kleerups spår (som jag faktiskt uppskattade), utan den sjungna handlingen. Helen Sjöholm gör en makalös insats som den smärtsamt skönsjungande Poetissan, och orden från hennes första låt på scen har följt mig i dagar.

Fabulous Fall

2010-10-17T14:32:00.004+02:00

Autumn is here, blowing down winds and raining away days. Uppsala had it's first snowfall of the season this week, and yet today, the sun shines through golden tinted branches and the skies are clearer than my heart could ever wish to be. I hope the sun will keep the worst of the cold at bay just for a while longer and let me love this season for it's glow.

I have a lot to do, for school and work. Though I never had troubles writing material for school, handing in thesis and essays seem to always be my weakest point. Or atleast, handing them in on time. But I am catching up on assignments that have been left dragging, and I've produces more writing-material in the past two months than I've done in the past year all put together. I still worry, and sleeping soundly at night is a rarity... still, my shoulders are lighter.

I actually make the effort of going to the gym these days. This week alone I went three times, yoga, core and boxing (where in the last one was way above my level and almost had me faint). It feels good, yet unlike me. Maybe that in itself is the right way to go, stepping outside of my comfort zone and set ways.

I'm busy, tired, worried yet healthier than I've been for years. And pretty happy, I guess. All in all, things don't look too bad.

Toothpaste Kisses

2010-10-08T14:46:00.003+02:00

Cradle me,
I’ll cradle you,
I’ll win your heart with a (wolf whistle).
Pulling shapes just for your eyes.

So with toothpaste kisses and lines.
I’ll be yours and you’ll be.

Lay with me,
I’ll lay with you.
We’ll do the things that lovers do,
Put the starts in our eyes.

And with heart shaped bruises and late night kisses devine.

- The Maccabees

Exotic Talk

2010-10-06T15:04:00.007+02:00

RJD2 - live in Uppsala tonight. Me and Ted are going, and I've looked forward to it immensly. It's like the best early birthday present combined with the eagerness of closing in on Christmas Eve when you were a kid.

Unfortunately, I haven't heard too much of his latest album The Colossus yet, but I don't mind. He is good, really really good, and I'll most probably enjoy the show even if I don't recognize many of the tracks.

Joy.

Darker Days

2010-09-20T03:25:00.004+02:00

Yesterday was election day in Sweden, and it seems that my native country has joined the big happy family of Europe, and as of today we have a new right-wing party included in parliament. A party most of us wouldn't flinch when calling through-and-through racist. The people who don't call them racists are the majority of mentioned party's voters.

I have never been so ashamed of Sweden in my entire life.
More on this later, I am actually too disgusted to continue this post at the moment.

Tourist Attractions

2010-09-19T02:57:00.006+02:00

It's the middle of the night, and I am restless and unable to sleep. So, I write e-mails I should have written earlier, upload pictures I thought I'd upload sooner, and list movies I would like to see in the near future. Now, some films unfortunately don't premiere in Sweden until months after their US date. Scott Pilgrim VS. the World being one of them. Disney's Tangled, another.
This one though, I think shouldn't be more than a month late, due to the casting. Hopefully, much less predictable than Jolies latest, SALT, and it will be nice seeing Johnny Depp in a role where he is less spaced out. It's been a while, and I miss those aspects of his acting. This movie has all the potential of being smart, well-performed and interesting, as well as utterly horrible. I look forward to it.

2010-09-06T13:43:00.003+02:00

My maternal grandmother passed away, four years ago today.
I find great comfort in that I still remember her clearly, the things she would say and her peculiar mannerism, and that I still miss her.

This is not a drill!

2010-08-16T00:43:00.003+02:00

För några veckor sedan, när jag var i Skåne, stod det överallt om en flicka i Norrland som fått tårna avbitna av en varg. Och överallt stod det hur synd det var om den här 10åriga flickan.

Ingen skrev någonsin att det var underligt, att en inhägnad för vargar skulle ha ett hål stort nog för en av de att sticka ut huvudet igenom. För det fanns inget så stort hål. Däremot fanns det en glipa. Och av alla ställen runt inhägnaden hade denna flicka, som var gammal nog att förstå skillnaden på säg en varg och en pudel, lyckats hitta denna glipa. Och hon hade på något vis även lyckats få ner sin fot där. Och hon hade dessutom fått ner foten där just i samma ögonblick som en varg var tillräckligt nära för att anfalla hennes fot och bita tag i den. Dessutom var hennes mamma där och försökte slå undan vargen. Till råga på allt rapporterades flickan inte inneha någon form av mentalt hinder som bidrog till hennes vansinnigt korkade omdöme i denna situation. Och djurskötare sade sedan i intervjuer att det måste ha varit en av ungvargarna som inte "lärt sig bättre ännu".

Ärligt talat, det är synd om vargen. Det är synd om vargen som får skulden för att ha betett sig helt i enlighet med sin egen natur efter att människan låst in den på zoo. Och det är synd att folk känner sympatier för en unge som är hela tio år gammal och som helt tydligt ansträngt sig för att sticka ner foten i ett så litet utrymme att hon inte heller kunde rycka åt sig foten direkt, och gjorde det just när en varg var så nära att den kunde ta tag i henne. Självbevarelsedrift brukar leda till att man då undviker att vifta med sina kroppsdelar inför inlåsta rovdjur. Detta fall borde bara kallas provokation. Och det faktum att vargen antagligen svalde två tår är inte en tragedi utan helt i enlighet med naturen och rättvisan. Hur fan föräldrar misslyckas så gravt med att lära sina ungar bättre är mig helt förbi.

Här är en sketch om ett liknande scenario, som är väl värt att titta på och skratta åt.

Humble Mumble

2010-08-11T20:46:00.003+02:00

Summer courses are almost at their end. Deadline is on friday for both exams and I'm outlining the papers. Today is the writing process, tomorrow is the cleaning-up and the polishing of references.

At the moment, I'm blasting OutKast and eating ice-cream while working at my own leisure. I'll be writing about the lost children of Baltimore as featured on The Wire, and about female sexuality and vampirism in chick-lit and paranormal romances as of late.
I am, as always, impressive and sharp. Recognize.

Since We Last Spoke: Deluxe

2010-08-02T23:42:00.006+02:00

Hemma igen från Skåne och det är massa plugg som gäller. Två tentor till den 13e och en uppsats som borde va inne i ungefär samma veva. För att inte tala om några noveller jag vill ha klara innan september.

Det är snart ny termin och jag vet inte vart sommaren och solen tog vägen. Men det är inget att haka upp sig på (åååh, vad jag hakar upp mig på det egentligen jag vill ju också ha lov eller semester för fan varför har jag gjort såhär mot mig själv?!). Tillbaka i Uppsala igen från nästa vecka med nya planer, nya grannar och nya pengabekymmer. Aah, studentliv, det är konstigt att jag är så fäst vid det. Jag menar, det borde väl vid det här laget smugit sig in tveksamheter och orosmoment, men ändå gör tanken på skolan mig underligt tillfreds. Hade aldrig trott att en framtid inom utbildningsväsendet var för mig, men vem vet, jag kanske stannar kvar och forskar till och med. Man ska inte neka sig själv storslagna planer.

Jag försöker jobba, plugga, skriva, dansa, äta proteiner och vara duktig på en och samma gång men ta mig fan om jag inte vet vad som är duktigt egentligen. Efter en prov-vecka av att ha lagt om kosten och rasat i vikt innan bröllopet, möhippan och mitt Skåne-besök, inser jag att det är dags att ta upp den evinnerliga och ganska patetiska kampen mot mitt sockerberoende en gång för alla. Och sparka röv, såklart. Man måste ju tro på sig själv.
Jag har startat en ny blogg också, för att hålla koll på alla mina nyttiga förehavanden, men jag kommer fortsätta att skriva här.

Nu ska jag läsa en artikel om hur chick-lit fått en undergenre som handlar om övernaturliga romanser, vampyrer och sexuell befrielse samtidigt som den befäster heteronormativa relationsramar. Jag kanske borde bearbeta min "Bit-lit" tenta senare i år och skicka in den till Vetsaga. Tål att tänkas på.

Dagens låt: Making Days Longer - RJD2
Tack Ted.

Österlen

2010-07-28T22:33:00.003+02:00

Jag förtjänar lite ledigt. Men jag antar att under en sommar med två kurser och en uppsats att ta itu med, och ett deltidsjobb jag borde ägna mig lite åt, så räknas alla dagar då jag inte pluggar eller jobbar som semester.
Bio en kväll med syster och vän = semester. Bröllop = semester. Möhippa = semester. Shoppa lite kläder jag behöver på rean= semester. Spela gamla spel med lillebror som välförtjänt paus i studierna = semester.

Jag är trött. Jag vill vila ut och slappna av, läsa böcker i solen och gå och bada. Och jag vill resa bort - igen. Detta har jag lyckats kombinera med en enda sväng ut till skånska landsbygden. Efter ett besök på min vän Saras landställe 2007, så pratar vi varje år om att jag ska åka ner igen under våren/sommaren/hösten. Och det blir aldrig av. Så i slutet av terminen bokade vi biljetter, och jag tänkte att det skulle vara skönt med några dagar utanför Uppsala/Stockholm. Måste erkänna att jag då trodde att jag skulle tillbringa fler dagar borta. Kanske några i Gävle och några i Umeå. Men sen var det studier, jobb, åtaganden som byggdes upp i rasande takt och helt plötsligt stod jag där med insikten av att min enda sammanhängande semester i sommar är fyra dagar nere i Skåne.

Jag är tacksam över att vädret är fint. Att jag hunnit handla lite presenter, äta gott, sova gott, och turista. Idag var vi på Glimmingehus - en borg från 1500-talet byggd av den danske riddaren och gotländske skatteindrivaren Jens Vargtand, som försvar mot den svenska fienden (men främst mot uppstudsiga bönder). Den hade flera våningar, medeltida duschsystem och vallgrav. Det var en dagsutflykt i min smak, och jag har ett 50tal bilder som ska sorteras igenom sen.

Nu ska jag dricka mer vaniljte och plugga. Imorgon ska vi till Kiviks.

Ballerina

2010-07-24T02:41:00.007+02:00

Jag har klippt håret igen, kort kort kort och jag har slutat äta socker.
Vem hade trott?

Lämnat in alla fem inlämningar som ska ha varit inne hittills för sommarkurserna och läst böcker inför tentorna om tre veckor och är i fas fastän känslan är mig främmande. Jag kan jag kan jag kan. Bara att ta tag i allt annat nu.

Nu ska jag sova, upp igen om sex timmar och baka. Sen duscha, sminka, packa väska och iväg och fira vänners bröllop. Jag ska äta gott, dansa gott, skratta gott och inte sjunga på kinesiska. Små löften, mycket lycka.

Didn't you get my e-mail?

2010-07-12T20:08:00.005+02:00

Fullt möjligt att det här är en av de biofilmer jag ser mest fram emot att se i år.

2010-06-30T22:59:00.005+02:00

Do not let fear into thy heart
when lost upon dwindling road,
for should thine will nor bend or break
new paths will sure unfold.

Remember then friends and lovers had
good times past and sins so sweet
laughter, love and secrets shared,
that brighten days and make nights complete.

Cherish faces, songs and words
they will keep loneliness at bay.
Memories that make each place thy home,
where the heart shall sing and forever sway.

- Nahal, June 2010

The Wire

2010-06-26T14:56:00.005+02:00

One of my summer classes this year is a course on HBO and modern TV-drama. This means that not only am I finishing up old essays and taking two summer classes, but one of them involves a whole lot of film-watching. Which is nice in it's own way, because allthough I am swamped with work, and stressed even when I'm trying to watch an episode, it does give a bit of diversity to all my book-reading studies.

But when intense study of the dramatic form of The Wire and constant watching of the series so I'm upto speed with the literature, results in dreaming of it during my resting hours, things are going a bit too far. And when said dreams involve me walking around an amusmentpark in lingerie and trying to figure out how to tell a Baltimore druglord that I don't want to date him without him shooting a cap into my brain, then this is getting way out of hand.

And people tell me I don't take school seriously enough.

Dagens sanning.

2010-06-23T02:26:00.002+02:00

Jag skulle säga att det i och med det totala pressförföljandet av kungliga bröllopsfirandet i sommar varit omöjligt att missa vad som pågår, men jag hade trots detta totalt glömt bort att det var den så kallade stora dagen i lördags. Jag återkom efter en kopp te hos vänner till ett fullt korridorskök där de andra åt middag och efter diverse artigheter gick konversationen såhär:

Emil: Nu är de gifta!
Jag: Va?
Emil: Nu har de sagt ja.
Jag: Vilka?
Emil: Vadå vilka?! Victoria och Daniel! Hur kan du ha missat det??
Jag: Jag är uppvuxen bland socialister och kommunister. Jag tror inte på Gud, monarki eller kapitalism.

Footwhatnow?

2010-06-21T16:20:00.006+02:00

Jag kan inte fatta att det är VM, och att jag missat i princip 3/4 av alla matcher och knappt sett en enda hel match av de resterande. Det är sorgligt och irriterande på samma gång. Jag lever i skuggan av förra VM då jag såg nästan två spel om dagen och kunde namnen på spelarna i lagen jag höll på. Nu är det ett minne blott och jag håller via FB-statusar koll på vilka underdogs som förvånar och vilka favoriter som inte levererar. It just ain't right.

Idag och imorgon är det alltså ordentligt med plugg som gäller, så jag kan få lite gjort och sedan med rent samvete samvete bänka mig framför tv:n och se Argentina spela. Carlos Tevez, du var min favorit för fyra år sedan. Jag hoppas på dig.

100

2010-06-01T18:17:00.004+02:00

Det är 100 dagar sedan jag åkte till New York.
Jag vet inte vart tiden tar vägen, men jag hänger inte riktigt med i svängarna. Det kändes som långt bort redan några dagar efter att jag landat i Sverige igen. Hur kan det vara möjligt att all upprymdhet kan låsas undan så snabbt och bytas mot ny längtan så snart?

Jag har ett problem med resandet. Det hjälper inte att fortsätta flyga, åka, gå - jag blir inte nöjd. Och det släcker inte törsten, snarare är det som att svälja tändvätska och ta fyr inifrån. Rastlösheten river och jag längtar ständigt till dagen då jag kan resa utan att oroa mig för att jag måste komma tillbaka.

Cubans

2010-05-14T22:42:00.005+02:00

Spending the weekend at my aunts. I don't visit here that often, but it's a holliday and I got a day off from school so I though, why not? When the rest of the family decided to drive down, packing a bag and joining seemed very appealing.

So we're having a small family get-together; drinking tea, talking life and travels. Tomorrow we'll go down town, window-shop and see Robin Hood at the cinema. Tonight, we'll just keep talking, smoking cuban cigars and enjoying the night-time calm.

2010-05-05T00:00:00.005+02:00

Ibland, som nu, tänker jag på den där gången i bilen när du talade om för mig att inget blivit som du tänkt, och att du hoppades att jag skulle få ut mer av livet. När du för första gången på riktigt på riktigt släppte in mig och visade hålet du hade i hjärtat.

Och jag - skräckslagen; rigid och kallsvettig inför denna tomhet som jag aldrig mer skulle glömma, jag lät oss båda drunkna i den smärta som hjärtat bar och sa ingenting.

Whores of Babylon!

2010-04-04T03:15:00.002+02:00

Earth Hour 2010

2010-03-27T22:42:00.003+01:00

I en gemensam ansträngning för miljön och vår framtid uppmanades alla dem som kunde/ville att släcka lampor och elektroniska varor till den mån det var möjligt, mellan 20.30-21.30 ikväll.

Jag har alltid slarvat med min förbrukning av el, och vi ska inte ens gå in på min konsumtion av varmvatten. Jag skulle installera en stol i duschen och tillbringa halva dagarna under varmvatten om jag kunde komma undan med det och fortfarande leva ett relativt normalt liv (med undantag för att jag då alltså skulle halvt som halvt bo i duschen vilket såklart inte alls är särskilt normalt).
Men jag har alltid haft folk runt omkring mig som försökt se helhetsbilden. En mamma som jobbat med miljöfrågor och som i över 15 år försökt få oss alla att vara mer noga med källsortering, vattenförbrukning, köp av lågenergilampor. Så jag är inte duktig när det gäller miljöengagemang, men jag bryr mig åtminstone.

Jag råkade vara hemma ikväll, och släckte lysen och slog av datorn. Sen tillbringade jag över en timma i skenet av stearinljus med att dansa och träna yoga till ett blandat soundtrack via iPoden. Det var jättefint, och lär göras oftare från och med nu.

Welcome to Cracovia!

2010-03-20T13:19:00.004+01:00

Am enjoying what Krakow has to offer, on a week long trip with friends and neighbours.

The first two days were cold and windy, but the weather has really picked up, and we are finally getting some spring action (Just in time for Norouz! Happy New Years everyone!)

It strange not to be home for Persian New Years for the first time in my life, but at the same time, I'm really glad I decided to come along on this trip. Krakow is beautiful, and the company crazy fun. I have taken pictures with fire-breathing dragons, danced all night, walked all day, tried polish food, polish alcohol (or alcohole, as they say), the best hot chocolate I will ever have in my life, celebrated St. Paddy's at an Irish Pub and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm enjoying it to the fullest while life is good.

Now, off to a coffee-shop where I can actually get some studying done =)

New York Minute

2010-03-12T14:56:00.025+01:00

There's way too much to write, and I really don't have the time or feel for it. But I guess the pictures convey a pretty good overview on their own =)

1) "Snow storm", New York - style.

2) Walking in Manhattan.

3) Subway, mind the rats.

4) Nina at Macy's.

5) Food of choice - asian!

6) F-train.
7) On our way to MoMA.

8) Toxic Boy!

9) Tim Burton Exhibit.

10) Ze Siblings.

11) Goofing our way down Broadway.

12) Broadway.

13) Jazz Hands!

14) Time Square.

15) Strawberry Cheesecake a la NY.

16) Milad in China Town.

17) 5th Ave.

18) Big City Lights.

Ambulerande [utan varuförsäljning]

2010-03-03T18:26:00.006+01:00

Tillbaka i Sverige, här är det växlande minusgrader och töande. Jag hoppas på vår snart. Inte för att jag är så förtjust i årstiden med tanke på allt regn det innebär när man bor i Sverige, men tanken på vår är alltid fin. Förväntningarna.

Snart tillbaka till Uppsala, studier, sushi med grannar, filmsöndagar, jobb och den efterlängtade ensamhet som bara mitt rum kan ge. En gång tvekade jag över hur 19kvm skulle kunna bli ett hem jag skulle trivas i. Men det är hem och lycka idag, det är värme. Onödig var den oro jag kände inför så många grannar. Fina fina människor, jag trodde inte det skulle vara så lätt att sakna er.

Sedan ut och resa igen. Aldrig mer ska jag låsa mig själv vid en plats bara för att jag tror att jag måste befinna mig där. Framåt framåt framåt, alltid i rörelse alltid drömmande alltid levande.

Big Apple

2010-02-26T02:42:00.005+01:00

The weather here is pitiful. I know Sweden is freezing at the moment, but all this snow falling from the sky is awful, and New York is soaking wet, dark and damp. And it's cold over here as well.

I haven't gotten any real sight-seeing done. I mean, who wants to go all the way up Empire State Building in these conditions? And it's not really easy getting about on foot at the moment either. But I'm hoping for a weekend visits to China Town and Brooklyn.

I've done some shopping, hanging out with family and relatives, seen some of Manhattan and Queens. Tomorrow, I'll be seeing the Tim Burton Exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art. Really, that alone just makes the entire trip brilliant :)

NYC

2010-02-22T03:56:00.002+01:00

I made it to New York in one piece.
Will be here the entire week, so if you really got to get hold of me, Internet is your safest bet.
I've already seen Viggo Mortensen on JFK Airport and later had crazy amounts of pizza for dinner. It's been good.

Too bad that I missed my neighbours cruise-trip to Riga though, they seemed to have had an insane time and it would have been fun to have been there. Can't have it all, I guess.

Småprat.

2010-02-15T16:39:00.002+01:00

Jag vet inte om det är jag eller livet, eller helt enkelt bara platsen där jag befinner mig i livet, som gör att jag skriver här så sällan.
Jag vill inte vara lika personlig längre, inte för att det någonsin var intimt, men för att det var tillräckligt utlämnande och jag är inte på det humöret längre. Inte just nu.
Jag känner mig inte så kreativ nuförtiden heller. Utloppen blir färre, jag skriver sällan både här och annanstans. Jag läser mer sällan. Det är musiken som är kvar, jag dansar, och det blir mycket mer film och serier istället.

Det finns en viss trötthet i kroppen som motarbetar ambitioner, och den kommer av omständigheterna, av att jag inte skött om mig och av att saker inte kan gå som man hoppats. Ibland känns det som att bagaget blir tyngre utan att jag blivit starkare. Och ibland att jag bara fortsätter att kunna dra det tyngre lasset för att jag blivit starkare. Kanske är det båda, kanske ingetdera.

Uppsala har varit bra för mig, och jag rotar mig försiktigt. Jag kommer bli kvar här ett tag till, åtminstone ett år, för det finns en glädje i att bo här, i att vara och vara med.
Därefter, vem vet.

Igår var det fyra år sedan jag startade den här bloggen. Den har uppfyllt sitt primära syfte, men det finns en liten glädje i att ha kvar den och att ändå skriva här när det faller mig in, så den kanske finns med mig i ännu ett år.
Jag brukar ofta tänka att det känns som att jag snabbt blir äldre och att åren går utan att jag hunnit göra eller uppleva särskilt mycket. Det är fel. Fyra års sporadiska uppdateringar håller minnen vid liv. Samtidigt -så mycket som inte nämnts här som jag ändå bär med mig.
Det är inte alltid bra, men det trodde jag ju inte heller att det skulle vara. Så länge det oftare känns bra än dåligt, så är den lilla lyckan värd en förmögenhet. Varför klaga då? Livet går vidare med eller utan mig, så jag hänger helst med och ser vart jag hamnar.

Nästa stop: New York.

Laid in Earth

2010-02-02T08:44:00.001+01:00

"When I am laid,
am laid in earth...
May my wrongs create
no trouble,
no trouble in thy breast.

Remember me!
Remember me!
But ah,
forget my fate!"

- Henry Purcell

2010-01-21T02:43:00.002+01:00

Sent igår natt läste jag dina nyskrivna ord och grät av saknad fastän du ännu inte fattas mig.

Det om något är kärlek.

This is Halloween

2010-01-15T23:57:00.002+01:00

Det är något otroligt underligt med att besöka bloggen till en författare jag tycker hemskt mycket om, efter att av någon anledning inte besökt nämnda blogg på över ett år, och inse att han inte bara (just idag som jag loggade in) officiellt gått ut med sin förlovning (vilket i sin tur innebär att han någon gång skilt sig från sin tidigare fru) utan att han dessutom förlovat sig med någon som inte är fullständigt okänd för mig. Min enda tanke var egentligen: var har jag varit och hur missade jag det här?

Neil Gaiman har just förlovat sig med Amanda Palmer, ena halvan i makabra duon The Dresden Dolls. Det är lite som att Jack Skellington och Sally the Ragdoll träffats på riktigt.

Running down the fire roads.

2010-01-15T15:26:00.003+01:00

Amongst the city crawlers, the late night walkers
the long-forgotten frozen squaters,
we'll keep running, you and me
scream our throats raw, dream our hearts free.

You know it's late and cold -
the wrongs and tears forever old.
But we'll keep fighting, you and me
burn all bridges and take up arms, baby.

Cause they'll strangle you for the smallest sound
and break us down and keep us bound.
There's no home left with the Pigs about,
so we'll just keep running 'til our roads run out.

-Nahal, januari 2010

Keep Walking

2010-01-02T03:51:00.004+01:00

There is of course almost always more to say. Yet the words needed seem very few.
Last year held many happy moments, and I regret little of what I have done. But in the end, the result of last year is a drained, bleak feeling. A tiredness working through my bones and a dazed sort of despair seeping into the mind.

I have no promises for next year. Only the hope that it'll be better and that I'll do better.

Burning Down the House.

2009-12-29T23:24:00.004+01:00

There will come a year where I'm happy most of the time, travel more than I already do and have more money than I have time to spend.
I will read books I'll love and watch shows I'll get addicted to and I'll laugh and laugh and laugh. It'll be a year where I have time for school and friends without having to choose. A year in which I don't angst about my studies and life-choices constantly and where I'll feel my own age instead of aged down with worries.
It's a year that ends well, without me spending it's last two weeks constantly sleeping because stress has left me too sleep-deprived to do anything else. A year with few regrets and a little more rewards for hard work and work well done.

That year wasn't this year. Hopefully, it's the next.
And if so happens that it's not 2010, I propose that the entire thing, shattered dreams and dissapointments included, is taken out back and shot.

Snöfall

2009-12-15T08:54:00.003+01:00

Det har snöat hela natten. Sist jag såg så mycket snö var när jag hälsade på i Umeå. Det ska bli intressant att ta sig till skolan idag, jag tror att jag ställer in promenaden med tanke på att jag inte köpt vinterkängor än. Annars ser jag egentligen fram emot lektion, den här genus-kursen i maskuliniteter har i princip varit det enda jag läst den här terminen som jag verkligen gillat. Allt annat har varit av det nyttiga, obligatoriska och för min del plågsamma slaget.

Från det ena till det andra. Var duktig och fick i väg papper till Försäkringskassan om bostadsbidraget för nån månad sen och fick besked igår. I vad som endast kan beskrivas ett samband utifrån lagen om alltings jävlighet, fick jag det svaret i samband med att hyresvärden skickat brev om höjning av hyran med 1,5%. Nu måste jag alltså skicka om alla blanketter till Försäkringskassan, som i sig nästan alltid är en procedur i irritation. Fantastiskt.

Nu ska jag bara få iväg inlämningsuppgiften, äta frukost, torka håret och ta mig till lektion. Jag önskar att jag sovit lite...

Why am I not surprised?

2009-12-05T06:41:00.003+01:00

Inkl. äppelte.

2009-10-14T11:40:00.005+02:00

Om jag under den närmaste veckan är omöjlig att nå via telefon, internet eller spontana besök till mitt hem, så är det för att jag tar välförtjänt semester. I Istanbul.

Jag hoppas att resten av er har trevligt i snön.

"Don't let the darkness eat you up"

2009-10-10T19:33:00.004+02:00

I eftermiddag har jag pluggat. Jag har läst och läst och jag önskar att jag kunde säga att jag känner mig duktig. Men nej. Jag har på nästan fyra timmar bara lyckats ta mig igenom en text på knappt 30 sidor. För att den varit så mättad på information, skriven som en nästan äcklande tröttsam hyllning till en författares författarskap och stilistik att jag under dessa fyra timmar ständigt kommit på mig själv med att ha stannat till och bara stirrat av tristessen. Och hade jag tagit anteckningar och inte bara strukit över text hade det tagit ännu längre tid. Under dessa timmar vet jag faktiskt inte hur mycket jag drömt mig bort, stigit upp för att koka tevatten, bytt musik på Spotify.
För jag har hela tiden kommit på mig själv med att tänka, för exakt 13 månader sen satt jag i skymningssolen och åt middag i Taormina, istället för att fortsätta plugga. Och jag har tänkt att i Taormina insöp jag solljuset som om det var de sista strålarna som någonsin skulle nå mig och jag hade tänkt: vad vill jag göra med mitt liv?

Och för ett halvår sedan flyttade jag hit och tänkte att nu vet jag.

Men för varje sida jag läst i eftermiddag har något litet dött inombords och jag har tänkt att det är hoppet. För jag har också tänkt: det här är mitt liv. Det här är texter jag ska läsa för resten av mitt liv, för resten av mitt liv för resten av mitt liv. Det här ska bli mitt yrke och min tid och kanske min fritid och min försörjning och det tar död på allt jag vill.
Och jag säger till mig själv: det är bara en kurs. Det är bara denna kurs och omständigheterna just nu som äter dig inifrån och snart är det över. Om en vecka sitter du i ett annat land och insuper sol och tänker: vad vill jag göra med mitt liv? och kanske kanske kommer du till och med svara: jag gör det redan.

Jag har precis rullat ihop det kopierade och utlästa kompendiet till ett rör, och sedan slängt det tvärs över rummet, rätt i väggen. Det kändes bra. Det kändes rätt. Det var ett steg och ett andetag framåt.