Rented out my apartment and moved in with boyfriend last weekend. It's a temporary solution to my financial troubles, with the nice side-effect of getting to see each other more often. The fact that we are both extremely busy this semester will probably also lead to not seeing one another as much as a co-living situation would perhaps entail, which I honestly think is good. We both need space, so it's just a happy coincidence that we're not only both busy but that we're also both people who know how to make space for ourselves: knowing how to shut out computer noise while reading or being able to ignore the other persons music while working, etc. is key when you want to be near each other without annoying the other person out of their minds. I think it'll go well.
On the subject of moving though: when renting out your apartment furnished, it's surprising how much you still need to empty out of the flat. I can't believe I own so much stuff! I feel like a hoarder, despite the fact that I quite regularly get rid of things and keep the place tidy. And adding to that, I actually did some thorough sorting and threw away tons of unnecessary paper, sold over a 100 books and donated some clothes to charity this summer in preparation for the move.
Now I'm thinking I need to take a long hard look at my materialistic lifestyle and make some changes. It's obvious I don't need all the stuff I have. Not only because I couldn't even remember owning some of the things I put in storage last week, but it's pretty clear to me that if I manage to sell off so many books (which is honestly the things in my home I get most attached to) and feel a slight sense of relief (after the first pang of separation-anxiety), I will most likely feel tremendously pleased after getting rid of random meaningless stuff I've just held on to for the sake of holding on to.
I haven't really settled in at C. flat yet. Not only have I not finished unpacking (and I don't think I even brought that much considering I'll be here for half a year), but the fact is, except for the books I need for my studies, clothes suitable for fall and winter and 2 IKEA-bags filled with other random crap, nothing here is mine. I mean, I have 'my' side of the closet now, and my own shelves in the bathroom, and even some of my tins of tea and the teapot's here (bless, it like an hostile takeover on the tea-front and he is playing along splendidly)... but since I don't have a bookshelf, it all feels a bit askew. Actually, even the majority of the books I brought belong to various libraries, which is a bit sad.
So all in all, it does feel a bit strange, like it's not a move as much as a long-term visitation (which might be more close to the truth actually...). But I'm happy knowing that the strangeness has nothing to do with co-living in itself, as much as with the decor. That I can adapt to after all, as it's a really nice apartment even though it looks nothing like my own.
And, as I am the kind of person who believes wholeheartedly in the concept of making yourself feel at home wherever you decide to stay, I have started to track the few volumes I brought all around the the flat by the practical use of window sills. It'll be lovely in no time.
Visar inlägg med etikett Funderingar. Visa alla inlägg
Visar inlägg med etikett Funderingar. Visa alla inlägg
måndag, september 16, 2013
måndag, juli 15, 2013
Semester-rantings
Jag har semester. Svårt kan tyckas, när man faktiskt inte har en riktig anställning att ta semester ifrån. Men min sommar har bestått av jobbsök, artikelskrivande, studieångest, massa brf-arbete och även lite renovering. Så det känns väldigt bra med ett avbrott. Eftersom det tycks vara tradition att åka några dagar till Skåneland vart tredje år, sitter jag nu på tåget ner till Malmö. Efter bussförsening och missat pendeltåg lyckades jag kliva in i rätt vagn en minut innan avgång med en blandad känsla av total lättnad och stressmage. Drack självklart kaffe på det och åt en macka med bacon, så nu är jag pigg fastän jag satt uppe hela natten och pratade med världens finaste lillasyster. Hon sover säkert i tio timmar medan jag släpade mig till duschen bara tre timmar efter att jag somnat och hoppades på att inte somna i badkaret. Fem dagars sol och äppeldoft i Österlen är det jag behöver. Sara och jag kanske tar en sväng till Köpenhamn också, men vi får se, jag måste tänka på plånboken.
På tal om plånboken har jag börjat sälja av mina böcker. Inte alla såklart, för det skulle vara rena vansinnet, men iaf en 200 volymer. Började för typ 10 dagar sen och har sålt av iaf 30 redan, vilket är bra. Självklart var jag ju nere i källarförrådet pga veckans renoveringar och hittade två kartonger till som jag totalt glömt bort. Så när jag kommer hem ska jag nog uppdatera med iaf 10-20 titlar till. Mest studielitteratur, men det kanske är någon som vill ha det nu till hösten. Funderar på att lägga upp en del på Bokbörsen också...
Renovering var det ja. Pappa kom förbi i veckan och vi har målat, slipat, spacklat, spikat och varit på Boländerna ett antal gånger. Visserligen gör han allt det svåra arbetet, men jag hjälpte till en hel del och lyckades ändå hinna skriva artikel och recension, springa ärenden, utföra massa tungt trädgårdsarbete och långsamt pappersarbete för bostadsrättsföreningen. Nu är min fina lägenhet ännu finare och enrén är full av blommor och tomten har nya grillar.
Jag tror jag har sagt det tidigare, men när jag först flyttade till uppsala kände jag verkligen att jag ville bort från Stockholm utan att vara miltals bort från en större stad. Nu är jag så fäst vid Uppsala, så investerad i min lilla två och så lycklig av att bo där att det känns skitjobbigt att jag inte hittat jobb i stan och vet hur det blir med fortsatt boende. Men när jag valde en Master i humaniora hade jag ju inga förväntningar om att jobb skulle kastas åt mig i stora lass, så det är till att kämpa vidare bara.
Jag skriver ju inte här så ofta, för behovet finns inte. Jag bloggar om böcker och annat på Owl & Pussycat regelbundet. Har bloggat för UEB en gång, och det blir minst en gång till närmaste månaden. Blir inte så mycket dagboksskrivande över bloggen längre, och små funderingar hamnar på Facebook eftersom jag undviker Twitterflödet.
Men på tal om Twitter: jag är som alltid upprörd över världen. För allt möjligt. Men sexism står ju jävligt högt på listan, dag ut och dag in.
Svenska damlandslaget i fotboll är duktiga som fan. Twitterverse är fyllt av näthat och idioter som känner sig berättigade att kalla fullt främmande kvinnor horor, förminska deras person, identitet, intressen och yrke. Inte fan bryr sig någon att herrlaget vunnit en medalj på trettio år och damlaget vunnit över tio. Inte fan bryr sig någon att herrlaget inte ens klassas bland världens topp tjugo-lag, att de åkte ut så tidigt under förra VM att chipsreklamen om att sponsrade de under hela VM kändes som en två-månaders lång pinsamhet, för alla hälsar de välkomna som stridströtta hjältar. Jag menar inte att herrlaget inte förtjänar uppmuntran, om man gillar fotboll så ska man ju hejja på för all del. Men kom inte och skriv skit på nätet under ditt fejknamn om hur "de lesbiska kossorna inte kan sparka boll" för det handlar inte om fotboll era mofo's. Gillar man fotboll så är damlandslaget gudinnor som sopade mattan med Finland förra veckan. Dyrkar man istället patriarkatet och är del av samhällets sexistiska bottenslam, så näthatar man kvinnorna som spelat bättre än männen.
Sen har vi USA. Oh United States of Asshats, känner jag ibland. Om det här var en animerad film skulle mina ögon förvandlas till förstoringsglas som riktar en koncentrerad stråle av min brinnande ilska mot det amerikanska rättsystemet skeva berättigande av vit makt och kristen-patriarkal överhet.
I Florida dödar en vit man en svart tonårspojke, skjuter honom till döds för att han känt sig hotad trots att inspelat 911-samtal sagt att polis är påväg och att han kan ge sig av från platsen. Mannen frikänns för att han agerat sin rätt att försvara sig själv. Samtidigt fylls nätet av artiklar om en svart tvåbarnsmor som skjöt två varningsskott i luften för att värja av sin misshandlande ex-man (som dessutom brutit sitt besöksförbud för att komma och trackassera henne) och kvinnan fick 20 års fängelsestraff. 20 ÅR!
I Amerikanska högsta domstolen röstar man ner DOMA, lagförslaget som förhindrat homosexuella par från att få samma juridiska legitimitet som heterosexuella par, för man anser att lagförslaget inskränker på amerikanska grundlagar. Men med detta steg framåt sätter man eld i baken på alla konservativa blådårar. Ena staten efter den andra försöker föra in nya lagar som på andra sätt hindrar homosexuella från att leva ett normalt liv. Public service-anställda ska få rätten till att neka de allt från vård till bröllopstårtor, för att dessa pars synder inte ska påverka de riktiga offren (alltså de som tvingas samleva i verkligheten med homosexuella). Det är så jävla vidrigt.
Och så har vi abortmotståndarna. Dessa i majoritet vita kränkta män som aldrig själva ska bära någonting och som haft alla möjliga privilegier, men som ser det som sin rätt att bestämma över kvinnokroppar och kvinnoliv. Du måste föda ett barn till världen om du är gravid. Även om det skadar din hälsa. Även om du inte har råd eller möjlighet att ge ditt barn en ordentlig uppväxt. Även om du skyddat dig för att du inte vill ha barn. Även om du blivit gravid av att någon förgripit sig på dig. Du har ingen talan. Du ska helst inte ens få möjlighet att använda previntivmedel. I Texas höll senator Wendy Davis ett tio timmar långt filibuster, alltså ett oavbrutet tal där du inte vilar, äter, dricker, går på toa, för att ta slut på tiden för mötet innan lagförslag kan röstas igenom mot aborträtt. Hon lyckades till stor lycka skjuta på omröstningen en månad, men i förra veckan beslutades att förbjuda all abort, även i mest extrema fall (exempel, du är 13 år och din familjemedlem har systematiskt våldtagit dig och du är nu gravid) för att några människor med makt tror att de kan ta förvrängt religiöst skitsnack och nästla det i konstitutionen, och sen låta deras vy om ett ofött foster övertrumfa den redan levande kvinnans rättigheter (för hon betyder ingenting).
En mycket bra inlägg i den debatten, om det vita privilegiet, om män som hatar kvinnor och om det passiv-aggressiva kristna maktmonopolet med fokus på den amerikanska situationen, hittar man här.
Världen gör mig så förbannad.
Så ja, jag behöver semester. Att jag åker på semester just till Skåne (där små vita barn i Tomelilla stirrade och pekade på mig i total förvirring 2010 som om jag vore ett exempel av exotiserad fauna som illegallt migrerat norröver), och sen kanske spenderar en dag i Köpenhamn (vars Danske Folkeparti stod för allt jag fann äckligt med politik många många år innan jag ens hört talas om SD), det förvånar även mig lite...
Men jag tycker om Skåne. Österlen är vackert, och med lite tur så är vi bara en handfull människor och en hel massa äppelträd.
På tal om plånboken har jag börjat sälja av mina böcker. Inte alla såklart, för det skulle vara rena vansinnet, men iaf en 200 volymer. Började för typ 10 dagar sen och har sålt av iaf 30 redan, vilket är bra. Självklart var jag ju nere i källarförrådet pga veckans renoveringar och hittade två kartonger till som jag totalt glömt bort. Så när jag kommer hem ska jag nog uppdatera med iaf 10-20 titlar till. Mest studielitteratur, men det kanske är någon som vill ha det nu till hösten. Funderar på att lägga upp en del på Bokbörsen också...
Renovering var det ja. Pappa kom förbi i veckan och vi har målat, slipat, spacklat, spikat och varit på Boländerna ett antal gånger. Visserligen gör han allt det svåra arbetet, men jag hjälpte till en hel del och lyckades ändå hinna skriva artikel och recension, springa ärenden, utföra massa tungt trädgårdsarbete och långsamt pappersarbete för bostadsrättsföreningen. Nu är min fina lägenhet ännu finare och enrén är full av blommor och tomten har nya grillar.
Jag tror jag har sagt det tidigare, men när jag först flyttade till uppsala kände jag verkligen att jag ville bort från Stockholm utan att vara miltals bort från en större stad. Nu är jag så fäst vid Uppsala, så investerad i min lilla två och så lycklig av att bo där att det känns skitjobbigt att jag inte hittat jobb i stan och vet hur det blir med fortsatt boende. Men när jag valde en Master i humaniora hade jag ju inga förväntningar om att jobb skulle kastas åt mig i stora lass, så det är till att kämpa vidare bara.
Jag skriver ju inte här så ofta, för behovet finns inte. Jag bloggar om böcker och annat på Owl & Pussycat regelbundet. Har bloggat för UEB en gång, och det blir minst en gång till närmaste månaden. Blir inte så mycket dagboksskrivande över bloggen längre, och små funderingar hamnar på Facebook eftersom jag undviker Twitterflödet.
Men på tal om Twitter: jag är som alltid upprörd över världen. För allt möjligt. Men sexism står ju jävligt högt på listan, dag ut och dag in.
Svenska damlandslaget i fotboll är duktiga som fan. Twitterverse är fyllt av näthat och idioter som känner sig berättigade att kalla fullt främmande kvinnor horor, förminska deras person, identitet, intressen och yrke. Inte fan bryr sig någon att herrlaget vunnit en medalj på trettio år och damlaget vunnit över tio. Inte fan bryr sig någon att herrlaget inte ens klassas bland världens topp tjugo-lag, att de åkte ut så tidigt under förra VM att chipsreklamen om att sponsrade de under hela VM kändes som en två-månaders lång pinsamhet, för alla hälsar de välkomna som stridströtta hjältar. Jag menar inte att herrlaget inte förtjänar uppmuntran, om man gillar fotboll så ska man ju hejja på för all del. Men kom inte och skriv skit på nätet under ditt fejknamn om hur "de lesbiska kossorna inte kan sparka boll" för det handlar inte om fotboll era mofo's. Gillar man fotboll så är damlandslaget gudinnor som sopade mattan med Finland förra veckan. Dyrkar man istället patriarkatet och är del av samhällets sexistiska bottenslam, så näthatar man kvinnorna som spelat bättre än männen.
Sen har vi USA. Oh United States of Asshats, känner jag ibland. Om det här var en animerad film skulle mina ögon förvandlas till förstoringsglas som riktar en koncentrerad stråle av min brinnande ilska mot det amerikanska rättsystemet skeva berättigande av vit makt och kristen-patriarkal överhet.
I Florida dödar en vit man en svart tonårspojke, skjuter honom till döds för att han känt sig hotad trots att inspelat 911-samtal sagt att polis är påväg och att han kan ge sig av från platsen. Mannen frikänns för att han agerat sin rätt att försvara sig själv. Samtidigt fylls nätet av artiklar om en svart tvåbarnsmor som skjöt två varningsskott i luften för att värja av sin misshandlande ex-man (som dessutom brutit sitt besöksförbud för att komma och trackassera henne) och kvinnan fick 20 års fängelsestraff. 20 ÅR!
I Amerikanska högsta domstolen röstar man ner DOMA, lagförslaget som förhindrat homosexuella par från att få samma juridiska legitimitet som heterosexuella par, för man anser att lagförslaget inskränker på amerikanska grundlagar. Men med detta steg framåt sätter man eld i baken på alla konservativa blådårar. Ena staten efter den andra försöker föra in nya lagar som på andra sätt hindrar homosexuella från att leva ett normalt liv. Public service-anställda ska få rätten till att neka de allt från vård till bröllopstårtor, för att dessa pars synder inte ska påverka de riktiga offren (alltså de som tvingas samleva i verkligheten med homosexuella). Det är så jävla vidrigt.
Och så har vi abortmotståndarna. Dessa i majoritet vita kränkta män som aldrig själva ska bära någonting och som haft alla möjliga privilegier, men som ser det som sin rätt att bestämma över kvinnokroppar och kvinnoliv. Du måste föda ett barn till världen om du är gravid. Även om det skadar din hälsa. Även om du inte har råd eller möjlighet att ge ditt barn en ordentlig uppväxt. Även om du skyddat dig för att du inte vill ha barn. Även om du blivit gravid av att någon förgripit sig på dig. Du har ingen talan. Du ska helst inte ens få möjlighet att använda previntivmedel. I Texas höll senator Wendy Davis ett tio timmar långt filibuster, alltså ett oavbrutet tal där du inte vilar, äter, dricker, går på toa, för att ta slut på tiden för mötet innan lagförslag kan röstas igenom mot aborträtt. Hon lyckades till stor lycka skjuta på omröstningen en månad, men i förra veckan beslutades att förbjuda all abort, även i mest extrema fall (exempel, du är 13 år och din familjemedlem har systematiskt våldtagit dig och du är nu gravid) för att några människor med makt tror att de kan ta förvrängt religiöst skitsnack och nästla det i konstitutionen, och sen låta deras vy om ett ofött foster övertrumfa den redan levande kvinnans rättigheter (för hon betyder ingenting).
En mycket bra inlägg i den debatten, om det vita privilegiet, om män som hatar kvinnor och om det passiv-aggressiva kristna maktmonopolet med fokus på den amerikanska situationen, hittar man här.
Världen gör mig så förbannad.
Så ja, jag behöver semester. Att jag åker på semester just till Skåne (där små vita barn i Tomelilla stirrade och pekade på mig i total förvirring 2010 som om jag vore ett exempel av exotiserad fauna som illegallt migrerat norröver), och sen kanske spenderar en dag i Köpenhamn (vars Danske Folkeparti stod för allt jag fann äckligt med politik många många år innan jag ens hört talas om SD), det förvånar även mig lite...
Men jag tycker om Skåne. Österlen är vackert, och med lite tur så är vi bara en handfull människor och en hel massa äppelträd.
torsdag, december 27, 2012
Wrapping it up
It's been a year like many others. Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it horrifically stressful. I try to stay above water to the best of my abilities and take it in stride when I can and take it with less poise when I have to. What can I say, it's life. I do hope 2013 brings me less stress and more financial stability, cause I think that would be the major turning point for me right now.
As far as school-work, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever finish the Master. Yet I still chose to take additional courses this semester despite not needing it for my degree. What can I say, I am an academic at heart. But all this homework and these assignments are quite the load to carry, and so in the past three weeks, the only two days I've been free and off-duty were the day of my friends bachlorette-party and Christmas Eve, which turned out to be cozy and nice and relaxing in just the way I had hoped it would be.
I think what I've really missed out on this past semester is reading and writing for my own benefit. I think I've read two novels that weren't in any way school or work related. I haven't written a single short-story, extract or poem in months and months. I was planning on joining NaNoWriMo and even signed up on the page, but ended up having to write articles and papers instead. That being said, it's not like I haven't produced text: I wrote articles and reviews for work, homework, blog post (though not much of it is here as of late, but here at times, and mostly at The owl and the pussycat since October). I wrote a 12 page convention report from this years Swecon that got an honarary mention at Tystnad, and was printed in SF-Forum.
It has in many ways been a year I needed to get through. I don't feel like I actually finished many tasks or accomplished very many things, but I did a lot to get closer to quite a few goals, and I think that's OK.
I feel content, I feel loved, I love as well and all in all don't feel as disapointed with the years now that it's ending as I though I would a month or too ago. It's over soon anyway, why not look ahead instead?
As far as school-work, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever finish the Master. Yet I still chose to take additional courses this semester despite not needing it for my degree. What can I say, I am an academic at heart. But all this homework and these assignments are quite the load to carry, and so in the past three weeks, the only two days I've been free and off-duty were the day of my friends bachlorette-party and Christmas Eve, which turned out to be cozy and nice and relaxing in just the way I had hoped it would be.
I think what I've really missed out on this past semester is reading and writing for my own benefit. I think I've read two novels that weren't in any way school or work related. I haven't written a single short-story, extract or poem in months and months. I was planning on joining NaNoWriMo and even signed up on the page, but ended up having to write articles and papers instead. That being said, it's not like I haven't produced text: I wrote articles and reviews for work, homework, blog post (though not much of it is here as of late, but here at times, and mostly at The owl and the pussycat since October). I wrote a 12 page convention report from this years Swecon that got an honarary mention at Tystnad, and was printed in SF-Forum.
It has in many ways been a year I needed to get through. I don't feel like I actually finished many tasks or accomplished very many things, but I did a lot to get closer to quite a few goals, and I think that's OK.
I feel content, I feel loved, I love as well and all in all don't feel as disapointed with the years now that it's ending as I though I would a month or too ago. It's over soon anyway, why not look ahead instead?
måndag, oktober 22, 2012
New Girl
At home today, feeling a bit on the blue side. Not sad, just slightly off-kilter, like when you know you're not sick but feel somewhat nauseated, and you're not exhausted for any particular reason but your body still feels a bit too heavy to be coping with anything other than just laying around. I think to some degree, I'm also mad.
Lately, I just feel like I'm stuck. I think it's partially the season; fall always makes me quite desperate for change. I have a friend I've known for years, and a running gag between us is that she's always the one to say that she wants a change, that she wishes "something would just happen". And I'm always like: "Hell no, only bad things happen when you go looking!" But during autumn I always get this craving that comes out of a strange boredom, like I realize that yet another (school year) has started and I haven't really moved on or in a direction I've been hoping for or something like that.
I used to dye my hair around this time of year. That's usually the case actually, small changes. If lucky with work, I would go on a trip, travel somewhere on a cheap ticket and perhaps live with friends to keep the costs down. It was always fantastic.
Last year I moved. And met my boyfriend. And got a fantastic internship. Lot of things were new, and I didn't even feel like I was ready for half of it. But I guess I was. You're usually capable of handling more change than you assume. And all in all, it's been an OK year. Some things fantastic, some things absolutely awful, but I feel like I came out on an overall plus-side of life this past year.
This year, I just feel that on an emotional level, when it comes to personal growth, I'm in a good place. But it's in the more work-oriented field my troubles lie. It's not even like I've stagnated, it's like I'm moving backwards. As an example: couple of years ago, my finances would be something I would complain about to close friends. At its worse, I would tell acquaintances that I was low on cash and couldn't go to a concert or what not at the moment.
These days, I feel like I cannot hold a random conversation without talking about money. And honestly, it pisses me off. It upsets me that I still have to scrimp and save and borrow some months to pay all my bills. It upsets me that there are loads of people, many of them young people, in the same situation as I. It upsets me that I went to the unemployment office last week to get signed in, as a smart measure so that I would be in the system when my studies finished, in case I didn't find anything on my own, and it took them 45 minutes just to tell me they wouldn't have time to see me that day!
It's fucked up that I have three, three goddamn part-time jobs and still that's not enough to always pay my bills. What is this?! I'm always tired and moody, worried about my home work, and regular work, and finances, and trying to find a new job that covers the bills.
The only thing I got if ever in an even worse economic bind, is that I with the help of my generous parents could afford a loan to get my own place. (And that apparently makes everything fantastic, because how can you possibly be poor and have your own place?)
So, if I want to make my finances work, I have to take this apartment, for which I am indebted forever to the bank, and rent it out to someone else. Which could work. Except I would then loose perhaps one of the few things in life that I've got going for me right now. So I won't do it. I'll just keep working and saving and borrowing and complaining and wondering when the fuck I'll stop being a second-class citizen in my own fucked up country. I'm a poor person. Yes, I'm not unemployed without benefits, or a struggling single parent, nor am I retired and elderly and excluded by the system. I'm not homeless and I am certainly not without a safety-net: I have loved ones who can support me if it ever came down to that, but I don't want to put others in that spot.
But that doesn't mean things are good. They're not even mildly OK. It's not right that I work so much, get no benefits, study at the same time, and plan any bigger purchase or expense (like buying winter boots or going to the dentist) months in advance. Just constantly getting by is still taxing on so many levels, it's ridiculous that I would be considered lucky because I could get a loan from the bank.
And whatever excuses our government makes about our situation not being as bad as our southern EU-neighbours, the truth is that 9% of the Swedish population is unemployed, and a whole lot o them are young, educated people with very little experience cause there's no place for them to go.
So apparently I have to stop thinking that if I just keep working, and trying, things will perhaps turn around and I'll get to feel like a new, less tired and more happy version of me for the first time in a long long time. Cause that's all very lovely, but about as plausible as if I suddenly struck oil in my co-op's backyard. I'll probably keep dreaming til I die, and don't get me wrong - it's good to dream. But it doesn't pay my bills. At the end of the day, there's only work and nothing for it.
Lately, I just feel like I'm stuck. I think it's partially the season; fall always makes me quite desperate for change. I have a friend I've known for years, and a running gag between us is that she's always the one to say that she wants a change, that she wishes "something would just happen". And I'm always like: "Hell no, only bad things happen when you go looking!" But during autumn I always get this craving that comes out of a strange boredom, like I realize that yet another (school year) has started and I haven't really moved on or in a direction I've been hoping for or something like that.
I used to dye my hair around this time of year. That's usually the case actually, small changes. If lucky with work, I would go on a trip, travel somewhere on a cheap ticket and perhaps live with friends to keep the costs down. It was always fantastic.
Last year I moved. And met my boyfriend. And got a fantastic internship. Lot of things were new, and I didn't even feel like I was ready for half of it. But I guess I was. You're usually capable of handling more change than you assume. And all in all, it's been an OK year. Some things fantastic, some things absolutely awful, but I feel like I came out on an overall plus-side of life this past year.
This year, I just feel that on an emotional level, when it comes to personal growth, I'm in a good place. But it's in the more work-oriented field my troubles lie. It's not even like I've stagnated, it's like I'm moving backwards. As an example: couple of years ago, my finances would be something I would complain about to close friends. At its worse, I would tell acquaintances that I was low on cash and couldn't go to a concert or what not at the moment.
These days, I feel like I cannot hold a random conversation without talking about money. And honestly, it pisses me off. It upsets me that I still have to scrimp and save and borrow some months to pay all my bills. It upsets me that there are loads of people, many of them young people, in the same situation as I. It upsets me that I went to the unemployment office last week to get signed in, as a smart measure so that I would be in the system when my studies finished, in case I didn't find anything on my own, and it took them 45 minutes just to tell me they wouldn't have time to see me that day!
It's fucked up that I have three, three goddamn part-time jobs and still that's not enough to always pay my bills. What is this?! I'm always tired and moody, worried about my home work, and regular work, and finances, and trying to find a new job that covers the bills.
The only thing I got if ever in an even worse economic bind, is that I with the help of my generous parents could afford a loan to get my own place. (And that apparently makes everything fantastic, because how can you possibly be poor and have your own place?)
So, if I want to make my finances work, I have to take this apartment, for which I am indebted forever to the bank, and rent it out to someone else. Which could work. Except I would then loose perhaps one of the few things in life that I've got going for me right now. So I won't do it. I'll just keep working and saving and borrowing and complaining and wondering when the fuck I'll stop being a second-class citizen in my own fucked up country. I'm a poor person. Yes, I'm not unemployed without benefits, or a struggling single parent, nor am I retired and elderly and excluded by the system. I'm not homeless and I am certainly not without a safety-net: I have loved ones who can support me if it ever came down to that, but I don't want to put others in that spot.
But that doesn't mean things are good. They're not even mildly OK. It's not right that I work so much, get no benefits, study at the same time, and plan any bigger purchase or expense (like buying winter boots or going to the dentist) months in advance. Just constantly getting by is still taxing on so many levels, it's ridiculous that I would be considered lucky because I could get a loan from the bank.
And whatever excuses our government makes about our situation not being as bad as our southern EU-neighbours, the truth is that 9% of the Swedish population is unemployed, and a whole lot o them are young, educated people with very little experience cause there's no place for them to go.
So apparently I have to stop thinking that if I just keep working, and trying, things will perhaps turn around and I'll get to feel like a new, less tired and more happy version of me for the first time in a long long time. Cause that's all very lovely, but about as plausible as if I suddenly struck oil in my co-op's backyard. I'll probably keep dreaming til I die, and don't get me wrong - it's good to dream. But it doesn't pay my bills. At the end of the day, there's only work and nothing for it.
torsdag, september 06, 2012
Datum
Det är en del som händer just nu. Sanningen är väl att det alltid är en del som händer, vare sig man skriver om det eller inte, men det är en del som händer just nu som känns påtagliga datummässigt.
- I söndags blev det ett år sedan jag fick nycklarna till min lägenhet.
- Idag är det årsdagen för min mormors bortgång i 2006.
- Om en vecka är det årsdagen för påbörjandet av min tre-månaders praktik på Mix förlag, kanske det bästa jag gjort under hela min utbildning.
- Det är 11 månader sedan jag åt min första lunch med C. Då var det ju inte tänkt som annat än en lunch... Jag fattar inte att det gått ett år snart, det är rent absurt (på ett bra sätt såklart!)
- På måndag påbörjar jag förhoppningsvist vad som blir min absolut sista termin av universitetsstudier (om jag inte doktorerar i framtiden vill säga).
- Jag har suttit ca 5 månader som Brf-ordförande och känner mig äntligen rätt bekväm med det.
- Den här veckan flyttade min bror söderut igen.
- Om mindre än två månader är det NaNoWriMo och i år tänker jag för fan delta.
Lite allt möjligt i huvudet just nu, med andra ord.
fredag, juni 01, 2012
Abuela
Was invited to join a a friend and his friends for some clubbing tonight. Haven't been out dancing since Valborg, and though I didn't feel in the mood, and had blistered feet, I thought I'd give it a go, and at least join the pre-party.
So I dressed up, in case I felt inclined to stay out all night, and made it out of the apartment not much later than expected.
It was nice, I had two glasses of wine, met some new people, had some laughs. When we got to the club though, I still didn't really feel like partying, and I already felt tired and knew I need to save money. My saving came in the guise of a ridiculously long line. After 10 minutes me and my friend gave up, left the others and went for a coffee instead. 40 minutes later he re-joined the party, and I decided to head home. It struck me then, that I was having an old lady-week.
Some weeks, I just feel so much older than I am. I only want to sit home and read, and have tea and biscuits (this of course, I do pretty often). The clincher is, during these weeks, I prefer being alone, I always get nostalgic for music from my teens, and ideally, I watch British murder mysteries (oh M, I miss our Tea & Murder - weekends) and bake cakes. Sometimes I even do some knitting.
And it feels like an odd but welcome break from just a month ago, when I partied everyday for a week with more energy than I mustered up for partying ever, despite what age I've been, and felt like a wreckless teenager. It just feels like this exhausted compensatory week should have reared it's demanding head earlier. But no, it's been a month of combined job-hunts and part-time work, lots of new responsibilities, trying to get good exercise in while failing to get enough sleep... but all in all, it's felt like it usually does.
And then suddenly, this week I've wanted nothing more than to be in bed before midnight, I've taken up knitting my friends scarf, I walk around the house wearing this big fleece sweater though I otherwise prefer not being too warm, and after a couple of days of mostly listening to Lady GaGa, I had this sudden urge for Nickelback and Creed today (hel-lo 16 year old me...).
All the signs point towards me going into old lady-mode (basically it's like the catnap version of hibernation, or just a quick battery recharge) , so I am gonna comply. Therefor, if you are looking for me but can't get hold of me, I will probably be knitting away at home and re-organizing my bookshelves this week, out of touch with reality.
So I dressed up, in case I felt inclined to stay out all night, and made it out of the apartment not much later than expected.
It was nice, I had two glasses of wine, met some new people, had some laughs. When we got to the club though, I still didn't really feel like partying, and I already felt tired and knew I need to save money. My saving came in the guise of a ridiculously long line. After 10 minutes me and my friend gave up, left the others and went for a coffee instead. 40 minutes later he re-joined the party, and I decided to head home. It struck me then, that I was having an old lady-week.
Some weeks, I just feel so much older than I am. I only want to sit home and read, and have tea and biscuits (this of course, I do pretty often). The clincher is, during these weeks, I prefer being alone, I always get nostalgic for music from my teens, and ideally, I watch British murder mysteries (oh M, I miss our Tea & Murder - weekends) and bake cakes. Sometimes I even do some knitting.
And it feels like an odd but welcome break from just a month ago, when I partied everyday for a week with more energy than I mustered up for partying ever, despite what age I've been, and felt like a wreckless teenager. It just feels like this exhausted compensatory week should have reared it's demanding head earlier. But no, it's been a month of combined job-hunts and part-time work, lots of new responsibilities, trying to get good exercise in while failing to get enough sleep... but all in all, it's felt like it usually does.
And then suddenly, this week I've wanted nothing more than to be in bed before midnight, I've taken up knitting my friends scarf, I walk around the house wearing this big fleece sweater though I otherwise prefer not being too warm, and after a couple of days of mostly listening to Lady GaGa, I had this sudden urge for Nickelback and Creed today (hel-lo 16 year old me...).
All the signs point towards me going into old lady-mode (basically it's like the catnap version of hibernation, or just a quick battery recharge) , so I am gonna comply. Therefor, if you are looking for me but can't get hold of me, I will probably be knitting away at home and re-organizing my bookshelves this week, out of touch with reality.
fredag, mars 02, 2012
Melting & Dissolving
Though I wrote just two days ago that I'm gonna start looking forward to things more and plan my days better, I am worried about this lethargic state I'm in.
I think it could be the massive carb overload lately and the lack of gym sessions, but also the lack of minerals and vitamins (hence the supplements).
Also lately, I'm not sleeping that well. It's been months since I went through a whole night without waking, though some nights I go back to sleep almost immediately. Other times it's a lot of tossing and turning. The past weeks it's been more of the second, and most days of the week I don't fall asleep until really late/very early, or dream about these insipid things, like people I used to know showing up for no apparent reason and without really interacting with me, or me going somewhere and never getting there, or me just waiting. They're not nightmares, but neither are they good dreams, cause they consistantly leave this sense of restlessness after I awake that gets me stressed out or exhausted.
This week was OK all in all. I met friends, I got work done, I studied and watched movies. And today, things started so good. I spent time with people I care about, I ran errands, studied, took a walk in the sun, had coffee. I called my sister and said I hoped she had a great time at the concert tonight. I called my dad and congratulated him on his birthday.
Yet, on the way to the gym, this sudden feeling a void just struck me, and I felt like someone had punctured a hole into me. By the time I was on the mat doing the pilates-exercises, my hands were all numb and I felt like I was reacting to the instructers voice coming from another room. For a while I kept looking at my hands, feeling like they weren't mine. It was this strange sense off dissolving, like I couldn't even pinpoint where I was. And I felt so tired. Just from the street outside the gym I felt so suddely exhausted I wanted to cry, and afterwards I couldn't wait to get home.
So now I'm here, I've had dinner, and I don't know where the last 3 hours went. I can't think of anything I've done. And I'm so tired still. Why am I like this?
I think it could be the massive carb overload lately and the lack of gym sessions, but also the lack of minerals and vitamins (hence the supplements).
Also lately, I'm not sleeping that well. It's been months since I went through a whole night without waking, though some nights I go back to sleep almost immediately. Other times it's a lot of tossing and turning. The past weeks it's been more of the second, and most days of the week I don't fall asleep until really late/very early, or dream about these insipid things, like people I used to know showing up for no apparent reason and without really interacting with me, or me going somewhere and never getting there, or me just waiting. They're not nightmares, but neither are they good dreams, cause they consistantly leave this sense of restlessness after I awake that gets me stressed out or exhausted.
This week was OK all in all. I met friends, I got work done, I studied and watched movies. And today, things started so good. I spent time with people I care about, I ran errands, studied, took a walk in the sun, had coffee. I called my sister and said I hoped she had a great time at the concert tonight. I called my dad and congratulated him on his birthday.
Yet, on the way to the gym, this sudden feeling a void just struck me, and I felt like someone had punctured a hole into me. By the time I was on the mat doing the pilates-exercises, my hands were all numb and I felt like I was reacting to the instructers voice coming from another room. For a while I kept looking at my hands, feeling like they weren't mine. It was this strange sense off dissolving, like I couldn't even pinpoint where I was. And I felt so tired. Just from the street outside the gym I felt so suddely exhausted I wanted to cry, and afterwards I couldn't wait to get home.
So now I'm here, I've had dinner, and I don't know where the last 3 hours went. I can't think of anything I've done. And I'm so tired still. Why am I like this?
måndag, december 12, 2011
Are You Decent?
My sister came to visit me this weekend. We spent time watching Modern Family, talking, having coffee, meeting my friends and discussing the glamour of old movie actresses. Though we both have a love for old (sometimes black and white) comedies, we've usually stuck to 50's Hepburn stuff.
This weekend, it was more of a 40's theme, and we saw Gilda. Now honestly, there are no actresses looking like Rita Hayworth. I don't mean just her face, I mean the style, there's just this classic beauty radiating from her that you don't see in actresses today, despite some of them being gorgoeus.
It just seems odd to me, somehow. Because it's not that the western idea of beauty has changed that much in 70 years (not like for example slim being considered hot and healthy, while fat was all the rage 500 years ago). But it's something, unrelated to just hair and makeup and clothes, that make women todays faces really look more modern in contrast with the faces on screen back in the day. You can make them up in the same fashion and film them in black and white, and it would still show that it's fake, and that's considering that even actresses like Hayworth got some work done. The problem with looking fake today is that it's stopped being slight enhancments like corsets and a raised hairline, and now people put so much chemicals in themselves they look like they've frozen in time and space. Now this on the other hand, is amazing because it so damn alive:
This weekend, it was more of a 40's theme, and we saw Gilda. Now honestly, there are no actresses looking like Rita Hayworth. I don't mean just her face, I mean the style, there's just this classic beauty radiating from her that you don't see in actresses today, despite some of them being gorgoeus.
It just seems odd to me, somehow. Because it's not that the western idea of beauty has changed that much in 70 years (not like for example slim being considered hot and healthy, while fat was all the rage 500 years ago). But it's something, unrelated to just hair and makeup and clothes, that make women todays faces really look more modern in contrast with the faces on screen back in the day. You can make them up in the same fashion and film them in black and white, and it would still show that it's fake, and that's considering that even actresses like Hayworth got some work done. The problem with looking fake today is that it's stopped being slight enhancments like corsets and a raised hairline, and now people put so much chemicals in themselves they look like they've frozen in time and space. Now this on the other hand, is amazing because it so damn alive:
torsdag, oktober 20, 2011
Hello CIA
It's been a strange year when it comes to the war against terror.
The world is (still, and always will be) full of oppression that many agree on should not be ignored, but many are also the people who throw non-appreciative glances towards the US. and their foreign-policies.
The 10th year marker after 9/11 came and went, and it was odd for me to realize it had been so long since a happening that monumentally changed the world's view on people with my ethnical heritage, and gave nations the right to invade other countries far away, with no proof, no plan, and no other intention than "doing the right thing"; which was essentially bombing poor people, looking for political figures for years without finding them and then leaving whole countries in shambles in the Middle East after being accused of only going there for the oil in the first place.
Yet things have happened, and changed. Bin Laden was finally killed this year. I say finally, not because it was a good thing that a crazy oppressor was killed (because there was no trial and no real punishment for all he's done), but because he was a symbol of many a things evil, and an easy way to look at a very complicated problem. He was one face to represent many horrors in Afghanistan (and in the world) and now that he is finally out of the picture, perhaps the rest of the western world can concentrate more on actually helping the people of Afghanistan build new lives with some dignity, instead of wrecking everything and then just leaving all our shit behind for them to deal with, when not finding what we're looking for.
The people of Egypt took up arms, and marched and marched for their freedom. It was, in everyway a glorious, powerfully haunting and brutal thing. They lost so very much to gain new ground, and hopefully, hopefully, there are new roads to pave. Of course, one of the major issues pressed on from the western world should now be "Will this new democracy you are striving for include the rights of women?" Because that aspect seems conviniently forgotten now that people (a.k.a. men) want to rebuild a new and free Egypt (for men, apparently).
And today, Muammar Gaddafi, the military ruler of Libya was announced dead. In Stockholm, the news showed people of Libean heritage celebrate. Ofcourse, there is always fear, even through the happiness. What if the news is wrong? What if the riots that follow claim more lives? What if the next regime is even worse? (Believe me, that's what most Iranians had to wittness after the revolution of -79).
But still, times they are a-changing. With casualties, with chaos, but maybe maybe in a slightly better direction.
I was thinking this, when I a couple of hours earlier mentioned to a friend on Facebook-chat that I had seen the news of Gaddaffi's death. I said, it was interesting how many (I meant of these dictators) who had died or been overthrown this year. I then said, that I wondered why noone had tried to take out the Israeli regime.
Now, many would think that this is a very strange comparison. That Israel is not a dictatorship or a terrorist nation. I disagree. I believe that the Jewish people have a right to their own country, to freedom and happiness and dignified lives. I refuse to believe though, that this can only be achieved by the systematic and terrorfilled oppression of their neighbours the Palestinians, who finally made a formal appeal for their independence this autumn. Perhaps it is as writer Amos Oz says, for both nations to reach a satisfying solution, there must perhaps first be made compromises that leave both parties un-satisfied.
The Israeli regime might represent the fears of their people, persecuted for generations, but they cannot make me believe that the entire nation agrees that the best way of securing your own rights is to bring a new Holocaust upon you neighbours. The Gaza war of January 2009 was basically an attempt of annihilating a country from the face of the Earth, and the fact that the rest of the world just stood by and watch will forever be one of the most disgusting political dicisions made in my youth. It was so dispicable that some Jewish soldiers refused to go to war. Civilians protested. And everyone who part-took in these "unpatriotic acts" was sent to prison. In Sweden, that would be called discrimination against human rights and freedome of speech being violated by the rulers, but apparently, Isreal is not to be judged.
I find that horrific, and disgusting. I believe the regime of Israel is in many ways the same cruel, self-deluded madmen and murderers as Ghadaffi and Bin Laden. I believe that the nation of Israel deserves more than to carve it's future through the bodies of Palestinians, and I believe the people of Palestine have been long denied their human rights.
But, apparently saying this, or even indicating this by comparing the Israeli regime to Gaddafi and questioning why noone has tried to overthrow and kill them yet, is not kosher (haha), cause withing 5 minutes of writing this in my chat, my Facebook account was down for maintnance. The page informed me to return in a couple of minutes, and has as of then been unavailable to me for hours.
So, as I now feel very, very watched, I want to take this moment to say openly to whoever did all the conspiracy-like watching:
As a woman of Middle Eastern heritage, a feminist and socialist, I find the American foreign-politics to be a self-righteous, patriotic, religiously fanatic load of crap, and truly believe that the rest of the world would despise you much less if you kept it in your pants and stopped being such hypocritical arses. By now, half the third world would rather live in misery than have your wrecking-ball mentality invade their countries, and the other half are mostly blaming you for their regimes, as you continuously help opressors until they turn their backs on you.
Also, I am a literature major at Uni that barely passed second year high school chemistry, so you have no fear of me ever wanting to concoct anything strange on planes, not even now, even though my comments above might make me look like a potential risk. I can ofcourse see why you think me tempted though, cause of me being of so-called "terrorist decent" as i think it was called on American Dad, and the fact that your flight rules forced everyone else in the world to adapt to a system were we bring everything in with hundreds of miniature bottles, making everyone's bag look like something out of CSI. At least make it up to me by letting me off the hook when having to sign the ridiculous papers about not being a spy or affiliated with Nazi Germany pre-1945 everytime I fly to the US to visit relatives and friends, and finally:
If you really have the time to flag people like me through Facebook, mail, or phone-conversations, I propose you put your resources into other more urgent stuff: as in finding actual criminals, repaying your humoungous debt to China or donating the money to Zuckerberg - who despite all his money cannot seem to design a new Facebook update that doesn't suck.
That would be all.
The world is (still, and always will be) full of oppression that many agree on should not be ignored, but many are also the people who throw non-appreciative glances towards the US. and their foreign-policies.
The 10th year marker after 9/11 came and went, and it was odd for me to realize it had been so long since a happening that monumentally changed the world's view on people with my ethnical heritage, and gave nations the right to invade other countries far away, with no proof, no plan, and no other intention than "doing the right thing"; which was essentially bombing poor people, looking for political figures for years without finding them and then leaving whole countries in shambles in the Middle East after being accused of only going there for the oil in the first place.
Yet things have happened, and changed. Bin Laden was finally killed this year. I say finally, not because it was a good thing that a crazy oppressor was killed (because there was no trial and no real punishment for all he's done), but because he was a symbol of many a things evil, and an easy way to look at a very complicated problem. He was one face to represent many horrors in Afghanistan (and in the world) and now that he is finally out of the picture, perhaps the rest of the western world can concentrate more on actually helping the people of Afghanistan build new lives with some dignity, instead of wrecking everything and then just leaving all our shit behind for them to deal with, when not finding what we're looking for.
The people of Egypt took up arms, and marched and marched for their freedom. It was, in everyway a glorious, powerfully haunting and brutal thing. They lost so very much to gain new ground, and hopefully, hopefully, there are new roads to pave. Of course, one of the major issues pressed on from the western world should now be "Will this new democracy you are striving for include the rights of women?" Because that aspect seems conviniently forgotten now that people (a.k.a. men) want to rebuild a new and free Egypt (for men, apparently).
And today, Muammar Gaddafi, the military ruler of Libya was announced dead. In Stockholm, the news showed people of Libean heritage celebrate. Ofcourse, there is always fear, even through the happiness. What if the news is wrong? What if the riots that follow claim more lives? What if the next regime is even worse? (Believe me, that's what most Iranians had to wittness after the revolution of -79).
But still, times they are a-changing. With casualties, with chaos, but maybe maybe in a slightly better direction.
I was thinking this, when I a couple of hours earlier mentioned to a friend on Facebook-chat that I had seen the news of Gaddaffi's death. I said, it was interesting how many (I meant of these dictators) who had died or been overthrown this year. I then said, that I wondered why noone had tried to take out the Israeli regime.
Now, many would think that this is a very strange comparison. That Israel is not a dictatorship or a terrorist nation. I disagree. I believe that the Jewish people have a right to their own country, to freedom and happiness and dignified lives. I refuse to believe though, that this can only be achieved by the systematic and terrorfilled oppression of their neighbours the Palestinians, who finally made a formal appeal for their independence this autumn. Perhaps it is as writer Amos Oz says, for both nations to reach a satisfying solution, there must perhaps first be made compromises that leave both parties un-satisfied.
The Israeli regime might represent the fears of their people, persecuted for generations, but they cannot make me believe that the entire nation agrees that the best way of securing your own rights is to bring a new Holocaust upon you neighbours. The Gaza war of January 2009 was basically an attempt of annihilating a country from the face of the Earth, and the fact that the rest of the world just stood by and watch will forever be one of the most disgusting political dicisions made in my youth. It was so dispicable that some Jewish soldiers refused to go to war. Civilians protested. And everyone who part-took in these "unpatriotic acts" was sent to prison. In Sweden, that would be called discrimination against human rights and freedome of speech being violated by the rulers, but apparently, Isreal is not to be judged.
I find that horrific, and disgusting. I believe the regime of Israel is in many ways the same cruel, self-deluded madmen and murderers as Ghadaffi and Bin Laden. I believe that the nation of Israel deserves more than to carve it's future through the bodies of Palestinians, and I believe the people of Palestine have been long denied their human rights.
But, apparently saying this, or even indicating this by comparing the Israeli regime to Gaddafi and questioning why noone has tried to overthrow and kill them yet, is not kosher (haha), cause withing 5 minutes of writing this in my chat, my Facebook account was down for maintnance. The page informed me to return in a couple of minutes, and has as of then been unavailable to me for hours.
So, as I now feel very, very watched, I want to take this moment to say openly to whoever did all the conspiracy-like watching:
As a woman of Middle Eastern heritage, a feminist and socialist, I find the American foreign-politics to be a self-righteous, patriotic, religiously fanatic load of crap, and truly believe that the rest of the world would despise you much less if you kept it in your pants and stopped being such hypocritical arses. By now, half the third world would rather live in misery than have your wrecking-ball mentality invade their countries, and the other half are mostly blaming you for their regimes, as you continuously help opressors until they turn their backs on you.
Also, I am a literature major at Uni that barely passed second year high school chemistry, so you have no fear of me ever wanting to concoct anything strange on planes, not even now, even though my comments above might make me look like a potential risk. I can ofcourse see why you think me tempted though, cause of me being of so-called "terrorist decent" as i think it was called on American Dad, and the fact that your flight rules forced everyone else in the world to adapt to a system were we bring everything in with hundreds of miniature bottles, making everyone's bag look like something out of CSI. At least make it up to me by letting me off the hook when having to sign the ridiculous papers about not being a spy or affiliated with Nazi Germany pre-1945 everytime I fly to the US to visit relatives and friends, and finally:
If you really have the time to flag people like me through Facebook, mail, or phone-conversations, I propose you put your resources into other more urgent stuff: as in finding actual criminals, repaying your humoungous debt to China or donating the money to Zuckerberg - who despite all his money cannot seem to design a new Facebook update that doesn't suck.
That would be all.
tisdag, augusti 23, 2011
Clone Wars.
A few years ago, I read this article about how certain themes in movies seemed to attract the attention of script-writers at the same time. It was not the matter of competing, since usually scripts are kept in the dark until actually bought, but just that certain times found certain themes well adaptable for movies.
Some ideas just didn't follow through. When Guy Richie casted Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes, Sacha Baron Cohen was cast in the same role by someone else. That project was cancelled, but Richie's movie is now getting a sequel, and BBC made a magnificent modern-take mini-series on the story just last year (to be followed up this Autumn). Some exampel's that did come out within just a few months from eachother, are:
Full Metal Jacket - Platoon.
Near Dark - The Lost Boys
Thin Red Line - Saving Private Ryan.
Antz - A Bug's Life.
Capote - Infamous.
Clash of the Titans - Immortals
And every couple of years there is a new version of some Austen/Dickens/Brontë book, or a new version of Three Musketeers or perhaps Robin Hood. Fairytales as well, will never die. Especially now that Hollywood keeps spouting out remakes of all these 40's-80's movies, you know they won't be laying off the classics.
So why did I suddenly think of this tonight? Well, within the next few months, cinemas in Sweden will show a re-make of Brontës Jane Eyre, Dumas The Three Musketeers, a Robin Hood came out last year and a Red Riding Hood this year (see what I'm getting at?).
For next year, as fortold on IMDb (I love that page), there will be both an at the moment untiteled Snow White-project with Sean Beam and Julia Roberts, as well as Snow White and the Huntsman with Charlize Theron, who looks pretty amazing in her getup.
But... Really? Even if you are running out of ideas and looking to old stories is your way to go, how does Hollywood succeed in only looking in the same direction at the same time?
Rejuvenate your buisness or get out.
Some ideas just didn't follow through. When Guy Richie casted Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes, Sacha Baron Cohen was cast in the same role by someone else. That project was cancelled, but Richie's movie is now getting a sequel, and BBC made a magnificent modern-take mini-series on the story just last year (to be followed up this Autumn). Some exampel's that did come out within just a few months from eachother, are:
Full Metal Jacket - Platoon.
Near Dark - The Lost Boys
Thin Red Line - Saving Private Ryan.
Antz - A Bug's Life.
Capote - Infamous.
Clash of the Titans - Immortals
And every couple of years there is a new version of some Austen/Dickens/Brontë book, or a new version of Three Musketeers or perhaps Robin Hood. Fairytales as well, will never die. Especially now that Hollywood keeps spouting out remakes of all these 40's-80's movies, you know they won't be laying off the classics.
So why did I suddenly think of this tonight? Well, within the next few months, cinemas in Sweden will show a re-make of Brontës Jane Eyre, Dumas The Three Musketeers, a Robin Hood came out last year and a Red Riding Hood this year (see what I'm getting at?).
For next year, as fortold on IMDb (I love that page), there will be both an at the moment untiteled Snow White-project with Sean Beam and Julia Roberts, as well as Snow White and the Huntsman with Charlize Theron, who looks pretty amazing in her getup.
But... Really? Even if you are running out of ideas and looking to old stories is your way to go, how does Hollywood succeed in only looking in the same direction at the same time?
Rejuvenate your buisness or get out.
torsdag, maj 19, 2011
Go see: Fem.Phen.Med.
This weeks recommendation!
May 18th-21st, Uppsala University is holding a four day conference on Feminist Phenomenology and Medicin.
As a part of my present course at Uni, we are required to attend atleast four out of the 16 discussions on the articles presented.
Though I find the topic interesting, because of my very booked schedual, I probably won't attend to more than four or five. Today, I saw three of the speakers: Linda Fisher, Abby Wilkerson and Lanei Rodemeyer. It was pretty fascinating, though Wilkersons article, or perhaps topic, is a more correct word here) was the one that I felt most intrigued by.
Afterwards I also got to talk to two other of the guests, Marja-Liisa Honkasalo, who actually complimented me on my questions and recommended me some good reads, and Nikki Sullivan, who flew in all the way from Australia, who told me about the (for me) un-usual subject of her studies, queer dis(orientation) and the alienation of one from ones own body, and how this otherness manifests in the will to rid oneself of ones own physical appandeges, like arms and legs (what I consider self-mutilation), and the taboo around such a state.
As mentioned - fascinating!
Though the thing that gets me the most, is that someone has been sabotaging this conference. Sure, I get that the topic is controversial, but the response has been ridiculous.
About two weeks ago, the Center for Gender Studies at Uppsala University, put up big posters around Campus, to spread the word about the conference. Within a day, every single poster was gone. it was strange, but unfortunate. Yet, the next day, new posters were hung. And within a day, all were gone.
In the end, posters and flyers were hung up during 7-10 days. The University cleaning staff was informed about not taking down anything. The other departments put up flyers in support. And yet, except for posters put up behind locked glass cases, every single one was taken down within a day from being put up. For almost two weeks.
I just can't see who would be so angry, and have so much time on their hands, to spend two weeks of their lifes just to keep this up. What is wrong with them? What is it that is so provocative about gender studies (in Sweden!!), or about phenomenology? Or is it that they dislike the use of medicin in research on queer body images, or illness experience, or intersex and biomedicin?
It is sad, because even though it might not be in everyones field of interest, I'm sure there are people out there who would have liked seeing some of this, as there always is.
May 18th-21st, Uppsala University is holding a four day conference on Feminist Phenomenology and Medicin.
As a part of my present course at Uni, we are required to attend atleast four out of the 16 discussions on the articles presented.
Though I find the topic interesting, because of my very booked schedual, I probably won't attend to more than four or five. Today, I saw three of the speakers: Linda Fisher, Abby Wilkerson and Lanei Rodemeyer. It was pretty fascinating, though Wilkersons article, or perhaps topic, is a more correct word here) was the one that I felt most intrigued by.
Afterwards I also got to talk to two other of the guests, Marja-Liisa Honkasalo, who actually complimented me on my questions and recommended me some good reads, and Nikki Sullivan, who flew in all the way from Australia, who told me about the (for me) un-usual subject of her studies, queer dis(orientation) and the alienation of one from ones own body, and how this otherness manifests in the will to rid oneself of ones own physical appandeges, like arms and legs (what I consider self-mutilation), and the taboo around such a state.
As mentioned - fascinating!
Though the thing that gets me the most, is that someone has been sabotaging this conference. Sure, I get that the topic is controversial, but the response has been ridiculous.
About two weeks ago, the Center for Gender Studies at Uppsala University, put up big posters around Campus, to spread the word about the conference. Within a day, every single poster was gone. it was strange, but unfortunate. Yet, the next day, new posters were hung. And within a day, all were gone.
In the end, posters and flyers were hung up during 7-10 days. The University cleaning staff was informed about not taking down anything. The other departments put up flyers in support. And yet, except for posters put up behind locked glass cases, every single one was taken down within a day from being put up. For almost two weeks.
I just can't see who would be so angry, and have so much time on their hands, to spend two weeks of their lifes just to keep this up. What is wrong with them? What is it that is so provocative about gender studies (in Sweden!!), or about phenomenology? Or is it that they dislike the use of medicin in research on queer body images, or illness experience, or intersex and biomedicin?
It is sad, because even though it might not be in everyones field of interest, I'm sure there are people out there who would have liked seeing some of this, as there always is.
onsdag, mars 09, 2011
La Femme
Yesterday was International Women's Day. It started out as a rights movement amongst working class women, and has throughout the years spread around the globe. Now in some areas, it has apparently lost some of it's original meaning. And in some parts of the world, women still don't have the basic rights to even be allowed to discuss their human rights.
In Sweden, it has becaome a tricky topic. Self-procliamed as "the worlds most equal country", a lot of people think that protesting for, and demanding of, female rights is ridiculous. Or, as I often hear: "You're pushing things too far."
In a so called equal society, feminism is becoming an insult. Men "don't like" feminists, because they're all man hating crazy women. It's obvious that feminists don't want equality, they actually just want a reverse order where women are on top. And some women don't like feminists, because it's "so obvious they're all just butch lesbians".
Not only do I think this way of thinking is repulsive, it is so ignorant. Men who think feminists are "out to get them", are actually just painting the world in clearer colors. You KNOW how priviliged you are. You know that you have the power of millenia of patriarchy at your back, and you're scared shitless of being pulled down from the top of the food chain.
And women who don't like feminists, often seem more concerened by how men percieve feminists, than what it actually stands for - equal rights. Not being belittled as just a kind of breeding cow, but accepted as a person with the same pre-disposed abilities to learn, to evolve, to proceed in a field of work.
I am sure there are pretty extreme feminists out there. Women who think men are the scum of the earth. That doesn't mean that they are supposed to represent everyone, in the same way some child molesting catholic priest doesn't represent all Christians, a man in a cave somewhere wearing a turban doesn't represent all muslims, and a wife beater doesn't represent all men. Statistically, most rapes are of women falling victim to men, most often men they already know. Family, friends. Just because horrendous things like this happens, it doesn't mean that all men are untrustworthy psychopaths. That because these men are monsters, all other men are to be lumped in together with those predetory sickos we see on news broadcasts.
What I'm trying to say is, there is no finding of truth in viewing the world through such ignorant eyes. Form you own opinion based on facts. See to what the root of an issue is before you judge a cause or the people fighting for it, and don't think that one fanatic is ever to represent a group.
Yesterday, was 8th of March, and yet another year in my life passes by where nothing much has changed in the worlds view on women. We stand for more than half the population of the world, but amongst our gender you find the poorest and the sickest. Women are left without rights to express themselves, without means to education, without material assets, and not even with the rights to their own bodies and sexuality.
And even in Sweden, "the worlds most equal country", women get lower wages for the same work as their male colleages, and are seen in much fewer positions of power. They are still denied employment because they stand the risk of getting pregnant, and therefore costing companies money. They are still seen as the home-maker despite the fact that many women work full time, and are expected to spend more time with they're children than the fathers. A father, who does not stay home at all with he's baby on paternaty leave, is still not uncommon. A woman who only takes the minimum of given maternaty leave to return to work, is regarded asa terrible and unsuiteble mother.
Why? Why are we not worth as much as our friends, brothers, lovers? And why do so many still ignore it? It's not about winning, or about who one-uped the other. This isn't about women's rights or men's loss of rights. It's about human rights. Who has them, and who doesn't. And why we keep accepting a society built on such disgusting values.
In the end, my main point is, how can you believe in human rights, in humanity and in a progressive society, and not be a feminist?
måndag, februari 07, 2011
Säg Omelett
I ett förvirrat, svagt och alldeles för nyfiket ögonblick har jag gått med på att klä ut mig till en spelkaraktär till Ninas fotoprojekt.
Jag har aldrig varit förtjust i att fotograferas, och lyckas därför aldrig sitta still när jag är medveten om att kameralinsen har satt mig i fokus. Särskilt på senare år tror jag att det blivit värre. Men till och med som yngre tyckte jag alltid att jag blev konstig på bild, och det är kanske det obekväma kroppsspråket som är problemet.
Fördelen med detta projekt är som sagt att jag är utklädd, med peruk och allt annats som hör därtill. Jag behöver därför inte oroa mig för hur jag ser ut, för det är heller inte meningen att jag ska likna mig själv.
Har dock bestämt mig för att om fotosessionen går bra, så ska jag ställa upp på att bli fotograferad av Björn också. Han har frågat tidigare, och trots att jag imponerats av andra bilder han tagit så har jag aldrig vågat. Kanske om jag får ha peruk?
Jag har aldrig varit förtjust i att fotograferas, och lyckas därför aldrig sitta still när jag är medveten om att kameralinsen har satt mig i fokus. Särskilt på senare år tror jag att det blivit värre. Men till och med som yngre tyckte jag alltid att jag blev konstig på bild, och det är kanske det obekväma kroppsspråket som är problemet.
Fördelen med detta projekt är som sagt att jag är utklädd, med peruk och allt annats som hör därtill. Jag behöver därför inte oroa mig för hur jag ser ut, för det är heller inte meningen att jag ska likna mig själv.
Har dock bestämt mig för att om fotosessionen går bra, så ska jag ställa upp på att bli fotograferad av Björn också. Han har frågat tidigare, och trots att jag imponerats av andra bilder han tagit så har jag aldrig vågat. Kanske om jag får ha peruk?
lördag, februari 05, 2011
Goodbye/Hello
I've started out this year with a whole lot of non-blogging, and it's time for a belated update.
I'm attending a new course named (atleast I think the translation would be) Representations of Diversity, which is held by the Center av Gender Studies at Uppsala University. I really like how the Master program in Humanities gives you the opportunity to read many courses outside your own main field as a part of the two year study. Of course, I still really like literature, and am still pleased with my major, but a lot of the mandatory classes have been a snooze at the best.
Other than the course, I should really plan on getting back to writing my thesis. Haven't really touched it for a couple of months now. I do some research, but I think it's about time I get something down on paper. I hope to have finished a 30 page draft by Easter.
And when mentioning Easter, I plan to go visit some friends in Madrid for the holidays! I've never been to Spain and look forward to sun and sights. Also, it gives me a good timespan for practicing basic skills in Spanish. I've gotten some language courses from the local library, and from this week I will be studying Spanish for atleast four hours a week. That is more than what they schedualed for our third language in school, when I started out with French in sixth grade. So hopefully, there will be some results. It also would be nice to make som progress on my goals for this year.
Talking goals, I've been watching some of the movies I'd like to cross off of my IMDb-list. Saw Casablanca with my sister and C'era una volta il West with my dad. He had seen it before, but like me, he usually doesn't mind re-watching movies.
It should also be mentioned that I went on a 40hour cruise to Riga with some of my neighbours in the beginning of January. This effectively both marked the 25-list boxes for "Visiting a European capitol I've never been to" and "dare to sing kareoke" which I managed to part-take in on the cruise ship, even though the results varied alot. Riga in itself was pretty (atleast the Old Town) but freezing, so we spent most of the time there shopping and eating.
Back in Sweden, I've spent my time figuring stuff out.
It sounds silly, but it's true.
I need to structure my studying better. And I need to get a part-time job. I have the time since I don't have that many classes, and I do homework better in the evenings and at night. So, a job. Though how I'll get that in a city full of money-starved students is beyond me. But I'll try. I'm down with a serious case of hit-the-road-blues, and you can't travel nowhere if you don't have the coins for it.
I've also been trying to make the most out of my time with friends who have been leaving. For Christmas break, my crazy yet darling former neighbour G came to visit us, and though I wish we had time to see more of eachother, it was wonderful yet sad to have her here. Three weeks after she left again, the second one of my two close exchange-student friends packed up her bags and flew cross-Atlantic. After more than three years in this town, she decided to find new adventures elsewhere. Though I am happy for her and all the oppurtunities San Fransisco will offer her, A left another dent in my already bruised heart when she left this week. I've cried over both of my friends, and even though I believe that I will see them again for sure, the loss of them as a part of my daily life weighs me down more than usual some days.
Yet as a symbolic sign from life itself though, one of my closest friends officially became a resident of Uppsala just the day after A left. And it feels lovely of course. There will always be good people in my life, it's just that noone replaces the other, and noone fills the empty space left by another. That is good, but also heavy for the heart.
Moving his stuff in, and helping out with whatever I could, made me think about how much things you actually collect. I haven't given it the slightest thought in almost two years, since I moved to Uppsala. But the leaving of many friends has left me the inheritor of a lot more things than I got here with. The more I consider it, the more I think it's time for me to go through my things and get rid of all that is truly useless to me, but that I've saved "just in case" (and I wouldn't be surprised if the amount of crap could fill out an entire wardrobe or something).
Or, I could always move to a bigger place. Which gets another string of thoughts jumbled together in my head waiting to be heard and observed, and a whole row of emotions waiting to be untangled just by the thought of moving on yet again.
But that is life, and as mentioned, I'm trying to figure it out.
I'm attending a new course named (atleast I think the translation would be) Representations of Diversity, which is held by the Center av Gender Studies at Uppsala University. I really like how the Master program in Humanities gives you the opportunity to read many courses outside your own main field as a part of the two year study. Of course, I still really like literature, and am still pleased with my major, but a lot of the mandatory classes have been a snooze at the best.
Other than the course, I should really plan on getting back to writing my thesis. Haven't really touched it for a couple of months now. I do some research, but I think it's about time I get something down on paper. I hope to have finished a 30 page draft by Easter.
And when mentioning Easter, I plan to go visit some friends in Madrid for the holidays! I've never been to Spain and look forward to sun and sights. Also, it gives me a good timespan for practicing basic skills in Spanish. I've gotten some language courses from the local library, and from this week I will be studying Spanish for atleast four hours a week. That is more than what they schedualed for our third language in school, when I started out with French in sixth grade. So hopefully, there will be some results. It also would be nice to make som progress on my goals for this year.
Talking goals, I've been watching some of the movies I'd like to cross off of my IMDb-list. Saw Casablanca with my sister and C'era una volta il West with my dad. He had seen it before, but like me, he usually doesn't mind re-watching movies.
It should also be mentioned that I went on a 40hour cruise to Riga with some of my neighbours in the beginning of January. This effectively both marked the 25-list boxes for "Visiting a European capitol I've never been to" and "dare to sing kareoke" which I managed to part-take in on the cruise ship, even though the results varied alot. Riga in itself was pretty (atleast the Old Town) but freezing, so we spent most of the time there shopping and eating.
Back in Sweden, I've spent my time figuring stuff out.
It sounds silly, but it's true.
I need to structure my studying better. And I need to get a part-time job. I have the time since I don't have that many classes, and I do homework better in the evenings and at night. So, a job. Though how I'll get that in a city full of money-starved students is beyond me. But I'll try. I'm down with a serious case of hit-the-road-blues, and you can't travel nowhere if you don't have the coins for it.
I've also been trying to make the most out of my time with friends who have been leaving. For Christmas break, my crazy yet darling former neighbour G came to visit us, and though I wish we had time to see more of eachother, it was wonderful yet sad to have her here. Three weeks after she left again, the second one of my two close exchange-student friends packed up her bags and flew cross-Atlantic. After more than three years in this town, she decided to find new adventures elsewhere. Though I am happy for her and all the oppurtunities San Fransisco will offer her, A left another dent in my already bruised heart when she left this week. I've cried over both of my friends, and even though I believe that I will see them again for sure, the loss of them as a part of my daily life weighs me down more than usual some days.
Yet as a symbolic sign from life itself though, one of my closest friends officially became a resident of Uppsala just the day after A left. And it feels lovely of course. There will always be good people in my life, it's just that noone replaces the other, and noone fills the empty space left by another. That is good, but also heavy for the heart.
Moving his stuff in, and helping out with whatever I could, made me think about how much things you actually collect. I haven't given it the slightest thought in almost two years, since I moved to Uppsala. But the leaving of many friends has left me the inheritor of a lot more things than I got here with. The more I consider it, the more I think it's time for me to go through my things and get rid of all that is truly useless to me, but that I've saved "just in case" (and I wouldn't be surprised if the amount of crap could fill out an entire wardrobe or something).
Or, I could always move to a bigger place. Which gets another string of thoughts jumbled together in my head waiting to be heard and observed, and a whole row of emotions waiting to be untangled just by the thought of moving on yet again.
But that is life, and as mentioned, I'm trying to figure it out.
onsdag, januari 19, 2011
Ain't No Sunshine
New semester starts this week on friday, and I am gathering books at the libraries in hopes of keeping the costs for new literature to the minimum. It's happened too many times that I never open a book again after the classes have reached their end, and I've tried very hard to not buy any books I won't have any interest in later.
At the moment, I'm looking over both my economy and my study-plans, and feel like I need to do some serious reconsidering. I spend too much money on books, food, going out dancing, and I know that if I just made an effort, I'd be able to save up some at the end of every month instead of using up almost all of it. Also, I need to get new habits when it comes to studying. As always, I study way too late at night, and usually always too close to deadline. It has, I must admit, worked well for me in the past years. But I'm getting older and I truly prefer some good, stable hours of sleep. And, I really want to try and hit the gym more than twice a week (unfortunately, this week has been a complete no-go), which means better routines all together.
All of this would be so much easier if I didn't despise the cold so much. Winter season drains me, and I don't like to go out when it's cold, and end up sleeping all the odd hours of the day. When I finally manage to socialize, it's always to go out for dinner or movies or dancing, activities that cost and once again keep me indoors.
On the recommendation of a Californian friend, I think I'm gonna try the tanning salon. He said it really helped him not to feel tired and light-starved while he lived in Sweden. It would be terriffic if it worked. And wierd to some degree, because it means I could have saved myself years of seasonal sadness with some artificial light baths once a month for years. Then again, it might not be the case. I am still unreasonably scared of the tanning bed and it's coffin-like shape, and in the back of my head a voice keeps warning me that the thing might get all jammed and have me lie there stuck inside it. I know it's unlikely, but fear doesn't have to make sense.
Then again, this entire year is supposed to be about facing fears, getting a hold of my life, getting new routines and trying new things. If you have to start somewhere, it might as well be on a tanning bed as anywhere else.
At the moment, I'm looking over both my economy and my study-plans, and feel like I need to do some serious reconsidering. I spend too much money on books, food, going out dancing, and I know that if I just made an effort, I'd be able to save up some at the end of every month instead of using up almost all of it. Also, I need to get new habits when it comes to studying. As always, I study way too late at night, and usually always too close to deadline. It has, I must admit, worked well for me in the past years. But I'm getting older and I truly prefer some good, stable hours of sleep. And, I really want to try and hit the gym more than twice a week (unfortunately, this week has been a complete no-go), which means better routines all together.
All of this would be so much easier if I didn't despise the cold so much. Winter season drains me, and I don't like to go out when it's cold, and end up sleeping all the odd hours of the day. When I finally manage to socialize, it's always to go out for dinner or movies or dancing, activities that cost and once again keep me indoors.
On the recommendation of a Californian friend, I think I'm gonna try the tanning salon. He said it really helped him not to feel tired and light-starved while he lived in Sweden. It would be terriffic if it worked. And wierd to some degree, because it means I could have saved myself years of seasonal sadness with some artificial light baths once a month for years. Then again, it might not be the case. I am still unreasonably scared of the tanning bed and it's coffin-like shape, and in the back of my head a voice keeps warning me that the thing might get all jammed and have me lie there stuck inside it. I know it's unlikely, but fear doesn't have to make sense.
Then again, this entire year is supposed to be about facing fears, getting a hold of my life, getting new routines and trying new things. If you have to start somewhere, it might as well be on a tanning bed as anywhere else.
måndag, augusti 02, 2010
Since We Last Spoke: Deluxe
Hemma igen från Skåne och det är massa plugg som gäller. Två tentor till den 13e och en uppsats som borde va inne i ungefär samma veva. För att inte tala om några noveller jag vill ha klara innan september.
Det är snart ny termin och jag vet inte vart sommaren och solen tog vägen. Men det är inget att haka upp sig på (åååh, vad jag hakar upp mig på det egentligen jag vill ju också ha lov eller semester för fan varför har jag gjort såhär mot mig själv?!). Tillbaka i Uppsala igen från nästa vecka med nya planer, nya grannar och nya pengabekymmer. Aah, studentliv, det är konstigt att jag är så fäst vid det. Jag menar, det borde väl vid det här laget smugit sig in tveksamheter och orosmoment, men ändå gör tanken på skolan mig underligt tillfreds. Hade aldrig trott att en framtid inom utbildningsväsendet var för mig, men vem vet, jag kanske stannar kvar och forskar till och med. Man ska inte neka sig själv storslagna planer.
Jag försöker jobba, plugga, skriva, dansa, äta proteiner och vara duktig på en och samma gång men ta mig fan om jag inte vet vad som är duktigt egentligen. Efter en prov-vecka av att ha lagt om kosten och rasat i vikt innan bröllopet, möhippan och mitt Skåne-besök, inser jag att det är dags att ta upp den evinnerliga och ganska patetiska kampen mot mitt sockerberoende en gång för alla. Och sparka röv, såklart. Man måste ju tro på sig själv.
Jag har startat en ny blogg också, för att hålla koll på alla mina nyttiga förehavanden, men jag kommer fortsätta att skriva här.
Nu ska jag läsa en artikel om hur chick-lit fått en undergenre som handlar om övernaturliga romanser, vampyrer och sexuell befrielse samtidigt som den befäster heteronormativa relationsramar. Jag kanske borde bearbeta min "Bit-lit" tenta senare i år och skicka in den till Vetsaga. Tål att tänkas på.
Dagens låt: Making Days Longer - RJD2
Tack Ted.
Det är snart ny termin och jag vet inte vart sommaren och solen tog vägen. Men det är inget att haka upp sig på (åååh, vad jag hakar upp mig på det egentligen jag vill ju också ha lov eller semester för fan varför har jag gjort såhär mot mig själv?!). Tillbaka i Uppsala igen från nästa vecka med nya planer, nya grannar och nya pengabekymmer. Aah, studentliv, det är konstigt att jag är så fäst vid det. Jag menar, det borde väl vid det här laget smugit sig in tveksamheter och orosmoment, men ändå gör tanken på skolan mig underligt tillfreds. Hade aldrig trott att en framtid inom utbildningsväsendet var för mig, men vem vet, jag kanske stannar kvar och forskar till och med. Man ska inte neka sig själv storslagna planer.
Jag försöker jobba, plugga, skriva, dansa, äta proteiner och vara duktig på en och samma gång men ta mig fan om jag inte vet vad som är duktigt egentligen. Efter en prov-vecka av att ha lagt om kosten och rasat i vikt innan bröllopet, möhippan och mitt Skåne-besök, inser jag att det är dags att ta upp den evinnerliga och ganska patetiska kampen mot mitt sockerberoende en gång för alla. Och sparka röv, såklart. Man måste ju tro på sig själv.
Jag har startat en ny blogg också, för att hålla koll på alla mina nyttiga förehavanden, men jag kommer fortsätta att skriva här.
Nu ska jag läsa en artikel om hur chick-lit fått en undergenre som handlar om övernaturliga romanser, vampyrer och sexuell befrielse samtidigt som den befäster heteronormativa relationsramar. Jag kanske borde bearbeta min "Bit-lit" tenta senare i år och skicka in den till Vetsaga. Tål att tänkas på.
Dagens låt: Making Days Longer - RJD2
Tack Ted.
tisdag, juni 01, 2010
100
Det är 100 dagar sedan jag åkte till New York.
Jag vet inte vart tiden tar vägen, men jag hänger inte riktigt med i svängarna. Det kändes som långt bort redan några dagar efter att jag landat i Sverige igen. Hur kan det vara möjligt att all upprymdhet kan låsas undan så snabbt och bytas mot ny längtan så snart?
Jag har ett problem med resandet. Det hjälper inte att fortsätta flyga, åka, gå - jag blir inte nöjd. Och det släcker inte törsten, snarare är det som att svälja tändvätska och ta fyr inifrån. Rastlösheten river och jag längtar ständigt till dagen då jag kan resa utan att oroa mig för att jag måste komma tillbaka.
Jag vet inte vart tiden tar vägen, men jag hänger inte riktigt med i svängarna. Det kändes som långt bort redan några dagar efter att jag landat i Sverige igen. Hur kan det vara möjligt att all upprymdhet kan låsas undan så snabbt och bytas mot ny längtan så snart?
Jag har ett problem med resandet. Det hjälper inte att fortsätta flyga, åka, gå - jag blir inte nöjd. Och det släcker inte törsten, snarare är det som att svälja tändvätska och ta fyr inifrån. Rastlösheten river och jag längtar ständigt till dagen då jag kan resa utan att oroa mig för att jag måste komma tillbaka.
onsdag, mars 03, 2010
Ambulerande [utan varuförsäljning]
Tillbaka i Sverige, här är det växlande minusgrader och töande. Jag hoppas på vår snart. Inte för att jag är så förtjust i årstiden med tanke på allt regn det innebär när man bor i Sverige, men tanken på vår är alltid fin. Förväntningarna.
Snart tillbaka till Uppsala, studier, sushi med grannar, filmsöndagar, jobb och den efterlängtade ensamhet som bara mitt rum kan ge. En gång tvekade jag över hur 19kvm skulle kunna bli ett hem jag skulle trivas i. Men det är hem och lycka idag, det är värme. Onödig var den oro jag kände inför så många grannar. Fina fina människor, jag trodde inte det skulle vara så lätt att sakna er.
Sedan ut och resa igen. Aldrig mer ska jag låsa mig själv vid en plats bara för att jag tror att jag måste befinna mig där. Framåt framåt framåt, alltid i rörelse alltid drömmande alltid levande.
måndag, februari 15, 2010
Småprat.
Jag vet inte om det är jag eller livet, eller helt enkelt bara platsen där jag befinner mig i livet, som gör att jag skriver här så sällan.
Jag vill inte vara lika personlig längre, inte för att det någonsin var intimt, men för att det var tillräckligt utlämnande och jag är inte på det humöret längre. Inte just nu.
Jag känner mig inte så kreativ nuförtiden heller. Utloppen blir färre, jag skriver sällan både här och annanstans. Jag läser mer sällan. Det är musiken som är kvar, jag dansar, och det blir mycket mer film och serier istället.
Det finns en viss trötthet i kroppen som motarbetar ambitioner, och den kommer av omständigheterna, av att jag inte skött om mig och av att saker inte kan gå som man hoppats. Ibland känns det som att bagaget blir tyngre utan att jag blivit starkare. Och ibland att jag bara fortsätter att kunna dra det tyngre lasset för att jag blivit starkare. Kanske är det båda, kanske ingetdera.
Uppsala har varit bra för mig, och jag rotar mig försiktigt. Jag kommer bli kvar här ett tag till, åtminstone ett år, för det finns en glädje i att bo här, i att vara och vara med.
Därefter, vem vet.
Igår var det fyra år sedan jag startade den här bloggen. Den har uppfyllt sitt primära syfte, men det finns en liten glädje i att ha kvar den och att ändå skriva här när det faller mig in, så den kanske finns med mig i ännu ett år.
Jag brukar ofta tänka att det känns som att jag snabbt blir äldre och att åren går utan att jag hunnit göra eller uppleva särskilt mycket. Det är fel. Fyra års sporadiska uppdateringar håller minnen vid liv. Samtidigt -så mycket som inte nämnts här som jag ändå bär med mig.
Det är inte alltid bra, men det trodde jag ju inte heller att det skulle vara. Så länge det oftare känns bra än dåligt, så är den lilla lyckan värd en förmögenhet. Varför klaga då? Livet går vidare med eller utan mig, så jag hänger helst med och ser vart jag hamnar.
Nästa stop: New York.
Jag vill inte vara lika personlig längre, inte för att det någonsin var intimt, men för att det var tillräckligt utlämnande och jag är inte på det humöret längre. Inte just nu.
Jag känner mig inte så kreativ nuförtiden heller. Utloppen blir färre, jag skriver sällan både här och annanstans. Jag läser mer sällan. Det är musiken som är kvar, jag dansar, och det blir mycket mer film och serier istället.
Det finns en viss trötthet i kroppen som motarbetar ambitioner, och den kommer av omständigheterna, av att jag inte skött om mig och av att saker inte kan gå som man hoppats. Ibland känns det som att bagaget blir tyngre utan att jag blivit starkare. Och ibland att jag bara fortsätter att kunna dra det tyngre lasset för att jag blivit starkare. Kanske är det båda, kanske ingetdera.
Uppsala har varit bra för mig, och jag rotar mig försiktigt. Jag kommer bli kvar här ett tag till, åtminstone ett år, för det finns en glädje i att bo här, i att vara och vara med.
Därefter, vem vet.
Igår var det fyra år sedan jag startade den här bloggen. Den har uppfyllt sitt primära syfte, men det finns en liten glädje i att ha kvar den och att ändå skriva här när det faller mig in, så den kanske finns med mig i ännu ett år.
Jag brukar ofta tänka att det känns som att jag snabbt blir äldre och att åren går utan att jag hunnit göra eller uppleva särskilt mycket. Det är fel. Fyra års sporadiska uppdateringar håller minnen vid liv. Samtidigt -så mycket som inte nämnts här som jag ändå bär med mig.
Det är inte alltid bra, men det trodde jag ju inte heller att det skulle vara. Så länge det oftare känns bra än dåligt, så är den lilla lyckan värd en förmögenhet. Varför klaga då? Livet går vidare med eller utan mig, så jag hänger helst med och ser vart jag hamnar.
Nästa stop: New York.
lördag, oktober 10, 2009
"Don't let the darkness eat you up"
I eftermiddag har jag pluggat. Jag har läst och läst och jag önskar att jag kunde säga att jag känner mig duktig. Men nej. Jag har på nästan fyra timmar bara lyckats ta mig igenom en text på knappt 30 sidor. För att den varit så mättad på information, skriven som en nästan äcklande tröttsam hyllning till en författares författarskap och stilistik att jag under dessa fyra timmar ständigt kommit på mig själv med att ha stannat till och bara stirrat av tristessen. Och hade jag tagit anteckningar och inte bara strukit över text hade det tagit ännu längre tid. Under dessa timmar vet jag faktiskt inte hur mycket jag drömt mig bort, stigit upp för att koka tevatten, bytt musik på Spotify.
För jag har hela tiden kommit på mig själv med att tänka, för exakt 13 månader sen satt jag i skymningssolen och åt middag i Taormina, istället för att fortsätta plugga. Och jag har tänkt att i Taormina insöp jag solljuset som om det var de sista strålarna som någonsin skulle nå mig och jag hade tänkt: vad vill jag göra med mitt liv?
Och för ett halvår sedan flyttade jag hit och tänkte att nu vet jag.
Men för varje sida jag läst i eftermiddag har något litet dött inombords och jag har tänkt att det är hoppet. För jag har också tänkt: det här är mitt liv. Det här är texter jag ska läsa för resten av mitt liv, för resten av mitt liv för resten av mitt liv. Det här ska bli mitt yrke och min tid och kanske min fritid och min försörjning och det tar död på allt jag vill.
Och jag säger till mig själv: det är bara en kurs. Det är bara denna kurs och omständigheterna just nu som äter dig inifrån och snart är det över. Om en vecka sitter du i ett annat land och insuper sol och tänker: vad vill jag göra med mitt liv? och kanske kanske kommer du till och med svara: jag gör det redan.
Jag har precis rullat ihop det kopierade och utlästa kompendiet till ett rör, och sedan slängt det tvärs över rummet, rätt i väggen. Det kändes bra. Det kändes rätt. Det var ett steg och ett andetag framåt.
För jag har hela tiden kommit på mig själv med att tänka, för exakt 13 månader sen satt jag i skymningssolen och åt middag i Taormina, istället för att fortsätta plugga. Och jag har tänkt att i Taormina insöp jag solljuset som om det var de sista strålarna som någonsin skulle nå mig och jag hade tänkt: vad vill jag göra med mitt liv?
Och för ett halvår sedan flyttade jag hit och tänkte att nu vet jag.
Men för varje sida jag läst i eftermiddag har något litet dött inombords och jag har tänkt att det är hoppet. För jag har också tänkt: det här är mitt liv. Det här är texter jag ska läsa för resten av mitt liv, för resten av mitt liv för resten av mitt liv. Det här ska bli mitt yrke och min tid och kanske min fritid och min försörjning och det tar död på allt jag vill.
Och jag säger till mig själv: det är bara en kurs. Det är bara denna kurs och omständigheterna just nu som äter dig inifrån och snart är det över. Om en vecka sitter du i ett annat land och insuper sol och tänker: vad vill jag göra med mitt liv? och kanske kanske kommer du till och med svara: jag gör det redan.
Jag har precis rullat ihop det kopierade och utlästa kompendiet till ett rör, och sedan slängt det tvärs över rummet, rätt i väggen. Det kändes bra. Det kändes rätt. Det var ett steg och ett andetag framåt.
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