Home again

I spent most of January in Iran, fleetingly meeting dozens and dozens of cousins, aunts and uncles, eating food enough to sustain a smaller family, and feeling lost and loved and absorbed in the vibrant, suffocating and stressful everyday that is the homeland of my parents.

It had been too long. I'm old enough now to be "aunt". I am old enough not to draw young boys all-to-forward attention anymore. I'm too old to pull off my head-dress at any given public occasion for pictures and protest alone (though I admittingly still do sometimes, and mostly out of vanity).
I don't think I've ever understood Iran as well as now. I don't think I've ever been so scared of it. Iran is a monstrous devouring thing, doing it's best to crush the opportunity and hopes of a young and struggling population, stuck between traditions they don't accept but still feel infused in, and a free foreign culture they keep accessing through media. It's an entire country plagued by split-personality syndrome, and I'm an Alice, concerned about loosing myself and my mind on the other side of the looking glass.

Summer After All

It's so warm and sunny I can feel it resonate through me and linger on my skin for hours after being outdoors, and it makes me lightheaded with happiness.

Catching up to do

With the risk of sounding slightly uncorked, the past week has been really nice.
I don't know if it's the sunshine, my vitamin supplements kicking in, or just me pushing all the stress and anxiety I talked about last time into a far dark corner of the brain and then ignoring it, but the results have subsequently been just fine.

I talked to one of my dear Spanish sister last week, first time we caught up since my New Years visit. She's coming to see me soon, I am thrilled! And dear Amie will be staying with us all of April! I can't believe it's only weeks until every other one from the old crowd returns to town, the potential insanity of it all is mind-bottling (check the reference).

I got tattooed -finally! It went very smoothly, though I have a second session by the end of the month to get some detail work done. I adore it, and will most probably write about it on some other occasion.

Had a long talk with my little brother, and he's visiting us southerners soon in time for Norouz. If he stays longer I might meet him again in April too, which would be awesomeness.

I got some serious studying done, and am finally following a good schedule (and having the energy for it) when it comes to the thesis. The plan is to write about a 1,5 a day, and read all the literature that needs to be read. It doesn't sound too bad, but according to my advisor, that should make up for about 10hours of studies/day for the next month, o joy.
Anyways, I wrote some reviews, cleaned, and got up in the mornings without feeling painfully exhausted.

Also. have come to realize that "this dating-thing" I've been doing, stopped being just that quite some time ago, and has evolved into what I now instead refer to as "this relationship-thing", which is quite nice ;)

My sister came to visit for the weekend, and as always it makes me glad. We visited some of my friends, saw The Artist (which I really enjoyed btw, it was charming and fun and not too long, and for a silent movie quite cleverly incorporated sound just when things were on the verge of getting a bit too repeated), talked. It was a short visit, but I'm glad we had the time for it.

Then on Monday, M. came to visit. She had some meetings in town yesterday, so she showed up the night before to give us the chance of catching up for the first time in many many months, and watch British murder mysteries the way we used to. It ended up with more catching up, talking friends, work and her wedding, and less Foyle's and Miss Marple, but it was lovely. And in the morning, I got up at the same time as her, made us banana pancakes, and the rest of the day I was on a roll.

Since yesterday morning I've cleaned and vacuumed the flat, repeatedly done dishes, studied, met a friend for coffee, watched movies with M (and A who managed to make a short visit to join us for dinner last night), met my thesis advisor, applied for a job, sent all the emails I was going to send this week, spent hours transcribing and translating a Danish interview to English, gone for a long walk, basked in the glorious sun, and just felt very very good about things.
If I had the energy to even do what I've done for the past 2 days in twice the time, every week would go much more smoothly. Perhaps the sunlight will really help. I hope so. Yesterday I went to Uni in a sweater, jeans and my leather jacket. Music in my ears, red lipstick, no scarf and all smiles. I wish more days would be like that this spring.
And perhaps they will. It's been warm enough for me to turn of the heating in the flat, though it is only March so there might as well be snowstorms in two weeks to noones surprise. But things might turn out nice, and this energy boost might stays a while. I do have much ahead of me.
April will be quite the month.

Simple Kind of Life

Jag älskar min lägenhet. Jag trivs så bra här och känner mig hemma.
Den här veckan blir det sex månader sedan jag fick nycklarna hit, och jag har knappt bott här halva den tiden, men allt känns rätt.

Det mesta är klart nu, fastän jag själv ser det som är kvar.
Gardiner ska upp, två golvlister som ska i, lite som ska målas, lite som ska putsas. Men det är mest möbler som saknas. Jag behöver fler bokhyllor, kanske en TV. En säng så jag slutar sova i bäddsoffan (fastän den är fantastisk, men om jag får gäster som övernattar blir det knepigt), ett soffbord och en skohylla. Det är fortfarande böcker överallt där de inte ska vara det, kläder överallt nu för jag har packat upp och tvättat det sista som varit undanlagt, och flera smålådor i sovrummet som jag inte packat upp ännu. Men det känns ändå klart. Det är fint, och rent, och det mesta är ordnat. Jag lagar mat och diskar och pluggar och lever här. Jag mår bra här och hoppas att det fortsätter så.
Till och med mina grannar är snälla. Ordförande i föreningen lånar mig nycklar från sin egen lägenhet när jag behöver det, den något äldre herren i lägenheten bredvid tillbringade en halvtimma idag med att hjälpa mig lära mig hur man hanterar den antika jättemangeln i tvättstugan och stannade tills jag manglat klart allt.

Det är långsamma, fullplanerade dagar som går och flyter ihop, men det är ändå OK. Jag är trött och har börjat ta järntillskott igen, och skolan känns så tung. Det är så mycket kvar av uppsatsarbetet, och travarna med böcker känns nästan hotfulla vissa dagar. Jag vet inte hur jag ska dela upp allt ännu, men det måste ordnas, helst igår om det gick.
Jag borde försöka hitta ett jobb också, men vet inte riktigt hur jag ska få tiden att räcka till. Kanske när jag blir lite piggare? Tills vidare känns det som en oerhört trygg och stabil punkt att jag trivs här. Och så ska jag skriva mer recensioner, annars går det inte runt.

Har tillbringat de senaste dagarna med att jobba, plocka och fixa i lägenheten och dra runt lite som i dimma. Såg Iron Lady på bio med A. och träffade lite folk igår, men känner mig inte helt vaken ännu. Lyssnat på No Doubt och soundtracket till Cowboy Bebob, och allt kändes liksom lite vagt.
Och sen plötsligt i eftermiddags; lägenheten badar i solsken, som om det vackraste med våren var precis bakom fönsterglaset, och jag känner att saker kommer lösa sig fint. Om inte imorgon så åtminstone snart, och det är tillräckligt.


Jag ska släppa allt och bli bara förväntningar.

Up Against the Walls

I love books. I love reading them, buying them, giving them away as gifts, looking at them, and the smell of them. I like the weight of paper when I turn pages, and the dryness of its feel, and the memories they hold. It's probably not an uncommon thing, and also most probably not completely healthy. None of the finer things in life ever seem to be.

As a young girl, I concidered myself a pretty avid reader, though unfortunately I don't think so anymore (mostly cause I keep running out of time in porportion to what I want to read). For years I even listed the titles and authors of all the books I read, registering them for almost ten years on this old computer we had back home. During my high school-days it crashed, taking my only copy of that list with it and in all honesty - leaving a bit of a void in me. I never registered books again, perhaps the bitterness of it wouldn't let me.
Back when I started the list, I was a regular at the public libraries. I never had that much money, so for years and to my mothers amusement yet slight annoyance, I would only buy books I had already read and knew I really liked, cause I only wanted to spend the money on something I would appreciate. I didn't start buying books in larger quantities up until after high school, so I've never considered myself having that many books. Still, apart from traveling and food, it would be the thing I spend the most money on.

Now that I finally moved into my own, proper apartment, I have to admit that what I've been the most excited about is that I get to have all my books in one place. It hasn't been the case since I moved out of my parents house in March 2009, and I've gotten a whole lot more books since then (I think my book collection expanded with 40-50 new titles during the Fall's 12-week internship alone, and that is despite the fact that I, to my great chagrin, was too broke to buy a single book during the Gothenburg Book Fair in September).

Books make me happy, and so I surround myself with them as much as I can. As a kid, I got chewed out by my teachers for bringing my own novels to class and reading them during hours instead of listening to the lessons. And one of my biggest dreams was to one day own the library that belongs to the Beast in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, I was that kind of a nerdy kid - all dreams.
Of course that particular one never came true (and never will), but I tried to compensate for it by having my new bedroom wallpapered with what looks like rows and rows of old books. One does one's best I suppose.

The thing is, as I mentioned, I never considered myself having that many books. But now that I'm unpacking, the books seem never-ending. I've been thinking of registering all of them on Librarythings, but it seems like such a time-consuming ordeal that I'm doubting I'll ever get around to it.
At the moment though, my biggest concern is where to fit all the books. I have a big bookcase that I've moved here from mom and dads house, and dad put up some shelves yesterday as well. But I have the nagging feeling that unless I organize this incredibly well, they won't be nearly enough.


Around midnight tonight I did the mistake of unpacking more boxes since I wasn't sleepy. Now, almost four hours later, my entire couch (where I sleep these days until I purchase a new bed) is full of books, there's nowhere to put them and I am falling asleep as I am writing. I'm suspecting I'll have to move them all to one side of the sofa and just sleep on the other, which doesn't really worry me. What does on the other hand give me some concern, is that I've run out of everything remotely simillar to shelving-space, and still haven't even found the Sandman-volumes I set out to find about three hours ago.

Vamos!

Spending New Years abroad with my Spanish sisters. Joy!!

Seasons Greetings

We were never bound by Christmas traditions in my family. The tree, the tinsel, the presents were brought in at an early stage though. My father could care less, my mother saw it as a break from the lasting dark of the season and we kids just saw the fun.
So we adopted Christmas and mangled all its roots: we ate ham from a month before the holidays and stopped somewhere around Easter. We had a plastic tree, which we would boldly bring out and decorate sometimes as soon as by first Advent. We seldome followed the traditional Christmas program "Julkalendern" on TV, and on Christmas Eve we missed "Donald Duck's Christmas" every other year and convinced our parents that opening presents in the morning instead of the evening was a-OK, even though we knew it was probably wrong. We ate a mix of Swedish and Persian cuisine, and sometimes spent the day with friends, or relatives, or just with family.

These days, I wrap all the family gifts, almost into some kind of ikebana-monstrosities. Mom wants the tree out earlier though we wait til last minute. Some years the presents are aplenty, some years my siblings and I cut a budget plan. It doesn't matter. It's always nice.
This year the tree needs to be replaced and is instead full of kitch-tinsel to fill it out. I want to see Donald and my brothers girl makes fun of me. It's relaxed, and nice, and all I want is some mulled wine and a cookie and to forget I have exams in two weeks.

I hope everyone else I know and care for has an equally lovely time. Take a breather, it's good for you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Next Chapter, Please.

Will be moving out of the corridor tomorrow.
Feel sad in that nostalgic way you have when you leave something good, something really truly good, behind you. But also, ofcourse, excitet. The entire thing is finally sinking in, and though I shouldn't say anything lest I jinx it, I am very much anticipating good things in this next stage of my life.

Atleast, I am prepared for a change.
I like the feeling.

One door closes.

So most of my neighbours have left. It has been a magnificent run, and living here has brought me great joy. Ofcourse, some heart ache is not unexpected in the wake of my corridor-life, yet I am taking it pretty well. I am a bit worried and stressed in reference to my own, unsure move, but I have atleast started the planning and will in the beginning of July start with the packing as well.

I have spent the last week doing homework for my summer-classes, reading, cleaning, meeting friends... I have gone to the movies, done some shopping, went for walks, and tried to avoid being caught in the rain, as it has been on-and-off pouring for the past five days.
I am eating well, sleeping well, starting a-new with the 200-situp challange, and am trying to plan ahead for the 25 While 25-list.

Life goes on, and you keep going on with it. Mayhaps a bit dented, but now with an extended family all across the globe. There's worse things than expensive flights, after all.

For the girls.

Entwine your fingers with mine,
our grips fast through the passage of days.
You'll pull me through
I'll carry you
worries overcome and tears
brushed away.

Each ray of sun a memory won
strands of laughter like lockets
hung -
around the neck and close to heart
Sisters, we're never far apart.

- Nahal, June 2011

Dear Sweden,

you suck. Your spring is awful, your wine is expensive and you are literally the place where the sun don't shine. I don't miss you at all.

In Madrid, the weather is so warm, I don't even mind when it rains. I walk hours everyday in a daze of total satisfaction at the choice of coming here alone. I'm ignoring our not-so-distant reunion, and wish you a future where I don't despise you. No love lost between us,

/N.

De vacaciones

I can barely sit still. Everything in me and around me seems to be moving with a sense of purpose that leaves a tingeling sensation in my skin, seeping into my veins and running through me to the tip of my fingers. And all I can think of is: in 26 hour in 25 hour in 24 hours... I've become the countdown.

I'm breathing warmth and sunshine already and I won't miss a thing, not a single thing. I'm walking down heated streets, dreaming living feeling the city sound, the summer sun, the far-off-ness from my life.

I'm never so much in love as when I'm travelling.

Casa del Corazón

Today marked the two year anniversary of me getting the appartment keys to my place in Uppsala. I really can't believe I've already lived here for two full years. This place, this small corridor room, with it's shared kitchen space and all it's ever-changing neighbours, has turned my entire life upside-down.

I was another person when I got here, which sometimes feels like just yesterday (and just as often feels like forever ago). I've learned a lot of things: that I'm stronger than I thought, and more resilent. I'm less scared of new things now, more excited by the prospect of new adventures. I'm happier than when I got here. Richer in terms of experiences, in seeing and understanding the world, and most of all in friendships.

I've gotten to know a lot of wonderful people. Caring, un-inhibited, clever, witty, supportive, encuraging, party-loving, trusting, loyal people who have shared everything from their laughs, pain, their bad habits and their good sides with me. I love them, and though some of them have moved on and live far away from me now, I miss them and think of them. Remember them and cherish what they have given me.
I can't count the nights we've been up just talking. Or the times we stumble in at one, three or five in the morning, dead tired from dancing and tipsy, just to start cook right then and there for 10 people or more. Or the ridiculous corridor parties we've had, with the nightmarish amount of cleaning lined up for us the days after. The movie-nights, the cardgames, the travelling, the danicing and clubbing, the sharing of news and stories from home over cups of tea, the lazying about in the sun... I've been very lucky to have gotten a second family like this one.

Ofcourse, nothing is always good. There's been rough times. Stress, sickness, bad news, dissapointments. But all the many ups and downs included, it's been amazing. I really wish I could thank each of the crazy bastards that made my corridor (or Horridor, as it is so affectionally called, with a lot of varied spellings depending on who's talking...) life such a laugh. It's been like nothing else, and I doubt anything in my future, despite how great it might be, will ever compare to the insanity that has been my past two years. It's been quite the party.

Goodbye/Hello

I've started out this year with a whole lot of non-blogging, and it's time for a belated update.

I'm attending a new course named (atleast I think the translation would be) Representations of Diversity, which is held by the Center av Gender Studies at Uppsala University. I really like how the Master program in Humanities gives you the opportunity to read many courses outside your own main field as a part of the two year study. Of course, I still really like literature, and am still pleased with my major, but a lot of the mandatory classes have been a snooze at the best.

Other than the course, I should really plan on getting back to writing my thesis. Haven't really touched it for a couple of months now. I do some research, but I think it's about time I get something down on paper. I hope to have finished a 30 page draft by Easter.

And when mentioning Easter, I plan to go visit some friends in Madrid for the holidays! I've never been to Spain and look forward to sun and sights. Also, it gives me a good timespan for practicing basic skills in Spanish. I've gotten some language courses from the local library, and from this week I will be studying Spanish for atleast four hours a week. That is more than what they schedualed for our third language in school, when I started out with French in sixth grade. So hopefully, there will be some results. It also would be nice to make som progress on my goals for this year.

Talking goals, I've been watching some of the movies I'd like to cross off of my IMDb-list. Saw Casablanca with my sister and C'era una volta il West with my dad. He had seen it before, but like me, he usually doesn't mind re-watching movies.
It should also be mentioned that I went on a 40hour cruise to Riga with some of my neighbours in the beginning of January. This effectively both marked the 25-list boxes for "Visiting a European capitol I've never been to" and "dare to sing kareoke" which I managed to part-take in on the cruise ship, even though the results varied alot. Riga in itself was pretty (atleast the Old Town) but freezing, so we spent most of the time there shopping and eating.

Back in Sweden, I've spent my time figuring stuff out.
It sounds silly, but it's true.
I need to structure my studying better. And I need to get a part-time job. I have the time since I don't have that many classes, and I do homework better in the evenings and at night. So, a job. Though how I'll get that in a city full of money-starved students is beyond me. But I'll try. I'm down with a serious case of hit-the-road-blues, and you can't travel nowhere if you don't have the coins for it.

I've also been trying to make the most out of my time with friends who have been leaving. For Christmas break, my crazy yet darling former neighbour G came to visit us, and though I wish we had time to see more of eachother, it was wonderful yet sad to have her here. Three weeks after she left again, the second one of my two close exchange-student friends packed up her bags and flew cross-Atlantic. After more than three years in this town, she decided to find new adventures elsewhere. Though I am happy for her and all the oppurtunities San Fransisco will offer her, A left another dent in my already bruised heart when she left this week. I've cried over both of my friends, and even though I believe that I will see them again for sure, the loss of them as a part of my daily life weighs me down more than usual some days.

Yet as a symbolic sign from life itself though, one of my closest friends officially became a resident of Uppsala just the day after A left. And it feels lovely of course. There will always be good people in my life, it's just that noone replaces the other, and noone fills the empty space left by another. That is good, but also heavy for the heart.
Moving his stuff in, and helping out with whatever I could, made me think about how much things you actually collect. I haven't given it the slightest thought in almost two years, since I moved to Uppsala. But the leaving of many friends has left me the inheritor of a lot more things than I got here with. The more I consider it, the more I think it's time for me to go through my things and get rid of all that is truly useless to me, but that I've saved "just in case" (and I wouldn't be surprised if the amount of crap could fill out an entire wardrobe or something).
Or, I could always move to a bigger place. Which gets another string of thoughts jumbled together in my head waiting to be heard and observed, and a whole row of emotions waiting to be untangled just by the thought of moving on yet again.

But that is life, and as mentioned, I'm trying to figure it out.

Hermanita

Tonight I had a long talk with my sister, and we sat laughing at memories, photos from family trips and old conversations we'd had. One of the funniest stories turned out to be when she had accidentally dropped a container of eyeshadow on my rug. Now, the eyeshadow was black powder, and the handmade rug was bought in Iran and had a cream-colored backdrop. It was like she had emptied the soot from an open fire place on it. She and her friend, both in the ages of 10-11, had tried to get the soot out in all the wrong ways, and by the time the shit hit the fan, they had pretty much made a worse mess out of it. I came home the day after and almost wrung her neck. Today, it's a hoot.

This memory also led to the conclusion that some things hadn't really changed. My sister told me, that when under pressure or stressed, she still becomes pretty much useless. I replied that it was good to know, and that in time of war, I might have to sacrifice her since she would be such a liability.

Sisterhood is obviously about honesty, humor and messing up. Who the Hell needs "ya-ya's" and Travelling Pants?

Stilla hjärtat, vila i värmen

I förra veckan fyllde jag 25. Jag firade det med att bjuda på fika i min korridor. Tanken var att det skulle vara ganska litet då jag vet att folk har annat för sig på vardagar. Jag hade heller ingen möjlighet att erbjuda sängplats till några långväga gäster då jag redan hade lillasyster boende hos mig och själv skulle ut på landet från fredag-söndag. Så i slutändan valde jag att bara bjuda vänner och bekanta från Uppsala, samt lite folk från Stockholm som kanske skulle kunna dyka upp då de har bil eller deltidsjobb.

Vi blev 40 personer. Någonstans i bakhuvudet hade jag trott att fler skulle avböja då det var vardagskväll, men fika lockar tydligen fler än bara än de sockerberoende. Efter att musiken krånglat och vi fick ta till alternativ spellista än min systers fina 20-tals jazz, så blev det kakor av alla dess slag, sangria och massa fina och uppklädda vänner.

Jag fick gratulationer i person och över nätet, hjälp i köket, jättefina presenter, gott sällskap, och sms från i princip hela världens hörn. Så när stressen lagt sig, när folk såg mätta och belåtna ut, när jag accepterat att jag antagligen inte skulle hinna byta mer än tre ord med någon, så tog jag mig verkligen tid att känna efter hur jag mådde inför tanken på att bli ett kvarts sekel.

Jag känner mig lyckligt lottad. Jag är frisk, jag är glad. Jag jobbar rätt hårt på att ta hand om studier, skola, mig själv och mitt sociala liv. Jag har en jättefin familj som jag älskar och som får mig att känna mig älskad. Jag tar mig tid att vara kreativ, och har i olika syfte producerat mer text det senaste kvartalet än jag gjort på nästan två år innan dess. Och jag är omgiven av folk som jag tycker om och som får mig att på alla möjliga sätt känna mig bra och uppskattad.

Tack, tack, tack.
Ni är fantastiska, och jag är lyckligt lottad som får ta del av detta överflöd av omtanke.

My maternal grandmother passed away, four years ago today.
I find great comfort in that I still remember her clearly, the things she would say and her peculiar mannerism, and that I still miss her.

Cubans

Spending the weekend at my aunts. I don't visit here that often, but it's a holliday and I got a day off from school so I though, why not? When the rest of the family decided to drive down, packing a bag and joining seemed very appealing.

So we're having a small family get-together; drinking tea, talking life and travels. Tomorrow we'll go down town, window-shop and see Robin Hood at the cinema. Tonight, we'll just keep talking, smoking cuban cigars and enjoying the night-time calm.

Ibland, som nu, tänker jag på den där gången i bilen när du talade om för mig att inget blivit som du tänkt, och att du hoppades att jag skulle få ut mer av livet. När du för första gången på riktigt på riktigt släppte in mig och visade hålet du hade i hjärtat.

Och jag - skräckslagen; rigid och kallsvettig inför denna tomhet som jag aldrig mer skulle glömma, jag lät oss båda drunkna i den smärta som hjärtat bar och sa ingenting.

Burning Down the House.

There will come a year where I'm happy most of the time, travel more than I already do and have more money than I have time to spend.
I will read books I'll love and watch shows I'll get addicted to and I'll laugh and laugh and laugh. It'll be a year where I have time for school and friends without having to choose. A year in which I don't angst about my studies and life-choices constantly and where I'll feel my own age instead of aged down with worries.
It's a year that ends well, without me spending it's last two weeks constantly sleeping because stress has left me too sleep-deprived to do anything else. A year with few regrets and a little more rewards for hard work and work well done.

That year wasn't this year. Hopefully, it's the next.
And if so happens that it's not 2010, I propose that the entire thing, shattered dreams and dissapointments included, is taken out back and shot.