torsdag, december 27, 2012
As far as school-work, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever finish the Master. Yet I still chose to take additional courses this semester despite not needing it for my degree. What can I say, I am an academic at heart. But all this homework and these assignments are quite the load to carry, and so in the past three weeks, the only two days I've been free and off-duty were the day of my friends bachlorette-party and Christmas Eve, which turned out to be cozy and nice and relaxing in just the way I had hoped it would be.
I think what I've really missed out on this past semester is reading and writing for my own benefit. I think I've read two novels that weren't in any way school or work related. I haven't written a single short-story, extract or poem in months and months. I was planning on joining NaNoWriMo and even signed up on the page, but ended up having to write articles and papers instead. That being said, it's not like I haven't produced text: I wrote articles and reviews for work, homework, blog post (though not much of it is here as of late, but here at times, and mostly at The owl and the pussycat since October). I wrote a 12 page convention report from this years Swecon that got an honarary mention at Tystnad, and was printed in SF-Forum.
It has in many ways been a year I needed to get through. I don't feel like I actually finished many tasks or accomplished very many things, but I did a lot to get closer to quite a few goals, and I think that's OK.
I feel content, I feel loved, I love as well and all in all don't feel as disapointed with the years now that it's ending as I though I would a month or too ago. It's over soon anyway, why not look ahead instead?
måndag, oktober 22, 2012
Lately, I just feel like I'm stuck. I think it's partially the season; fall always makes me quite desperate for change. I have a friend I've known for years, and a running gag between us is that she's always the one to say that she wants a change, that she wishes "something would just happen". And I'm always like: "Hell no, only bad things happen when you go looking!" But during autumn I always get this craving that comes out of a strange boredom, like I realize that yet another (school year) has started and I haven't really moved on or in a direction I've been hoping for or something like that.
I used to dye my hair around this time of year. That's usually the case actually, small changes. If lucky with work, I would go on a trip, travel somewhere on a cheap ticket and perhaps live with friends to keep the costs down. It was always fantastic.
Last year I moved. And met my boyfriend. And got a fantastic internship. Lot of things were new, and I didn't even feel like I was ready for half of it. But I guess I was. You're usually capable of handling more change than you assume. And all in all, it's been an OK year. Some things fantastic, some things absolutely awful, but I feel like I came out on an overall plus-side of life this past year.
This year, I just feel that on an emotional level, when it comes to personal growth, I'm in a good place. But it's in the more work-oriented field my troubles lie. It's not even like I've stagnated, it's like I'm moving backwards. As an example: couple of years ago, my finances would be something I would complain about to close friends. At its worse, I would tell acquaintances that I was low on cash and couldn't go to a concert or what not at the moment.
These days, I feel like I cannot hold a random conversation without talking about money. And honestly, it pisses me off. It upsets me that I still have to scrimp and save and borrow some months to pay all my bills. It upsets me that there are loads of people, many of them young people, in the same situation as I. It upsets me that I went to the unemployment office last week to get signed in, as a smart measure so that I would be in the system when my studies finished, in case I didn't find anything on my own, and it took them 45 minutes just to tell me they wouldn't have time to see me that day!
It's fucked up that I have three, three goddamn part-time jobs and still that's not enough to always pay my bills. What is this?! I'm always tired and moody, worried about my home work, and regular work, and finances, and trying to find a new job that covers the bills.
The only thing I got if ever in an even worse economic bind, is that I with the help of my generous parents could afford a loan to get my own place. (And that apparently makes everything fantastic, because how can you possibly be poor and have your own place?)
So, if I want to make my finances work, I have to take this apartment, for which I am indebted forever to the bank, and rent it out to someone else. Which could work. Except I would then loose perhaps one of the few things in life that I've got going for me right now. So I won't do it. I'll just keep working and saving and borrowing and complaining and wondering when the fuck I'll stop being a second-class citizen in my own fucked up country. I'm a poor person. Yes, I'm not unemployed without benefits, or a struggling single parent, nor am I retired and elderly and excluded by the system. I'm not homeless and I am certainly not without a safety-net: I have loved ones who can support me if it ever came down to that, but I don't want to put others in that spot.
But that doesn't mean things are good. They're not even mildly OK. It's not right that I work so much, get no benefits, study at the same time, and plan any bigger purchase or expense (like buying winter boots or going to the dentist) months in advance. Just constantly getting by is still taxing on so many levels, it's ridiculous that I would be considered lucky because I could get a loan from the bank.
And whatever excuses our government makes about our situation not being as bad as our southern EU-neighbours, the truth is that 9% of the Swedish population is unemployed, and a whole lot o them are young, educated people with very little experience cause there's no place for them to go.
So apparently I have to stop thinking that if I just keep working, and trying, things will perhaps turn around and I'll get to feel like a new, less tired and more happy version of me for the first time in a long long time. Cause that's all very lovely, but about as plausible as if I suddenly struck oil in my co-op's backyard. I'll probably keep dreaming til I die, and don't get me wrong - it's good to dream. But it doesn't pay my bills. At the end of the day, there's only work and nothing for it.
torsdag, september 06, 2012
- I söndags blev det ett år sedan jag fick nycklarna till min lägenhet.
- Idag är det årsdagen för min mormors bortgång i 2006.
- Om en vecka är det årsdagen för påbörjandet av min tre-månaders praktik på Mix förlag, kanske det bästa jag gjort under hela min utbildning.
- Det är 11 månader sedan jag åt min första lunch med C. Då var det ju inte tänkt som annat än en lunch... Jag fattar inte att det gått ett år snart, det är rent absurt (på ett bra sätt såklart!)
- På måndag påbörjar jag förhoppningsvist vad som blir min absolut sista termin av universitetsstudier (om jag inte doktorerar i framtiden vill säga).
- Jag har suttit ca 5 månader som Brf-ordförande och känner mig äntligen rätt bekväm med det.
- Den här veckan flyttade min bror söderut igen.
- Om mindre än två månader är det NaNoWriMo och i år tänker jag för fan delta.
Lite allt möjligt i huvudet just nu, med andra ord.
onsdag, augusti 22, 2012
Han har sett den tidigare och jag har velat se den jättelänge. Så vi plöjde igenom alla fyra säsonger, och jag tror inte jag engagerat mig så mycket i en tv-serie på väldigt, väldigt länge. Det känns lite tomt att det inte finns mer att se, och jag kommer ta min tid att smälta det hela (även om jag redan bestämt att vi ska börja se på Firefly nästa vecka...).
Egentligen är BSG en sådan där serie som förtjänar minst ett långt utförligt inlägg om vad som gör den så fruktansvärt bra, men det får bli en annan gång och kanske någon annanstans.
tisdag, augusti 07, 2012
Förhoppningsvist känner jag annorlunda till hösten, för jag tycker ju fortfarande om att skriva.
Av just den anledningen uppskattar jag verkligen fina bloggen Tystnads nya drapasatsning: varje månad uppmanas man att skicka in en drapa, eller länka sin drapa till bloggen. Det har bara pågått i två månader hittills, med nytt tema i juli och augusti.
En drapa är alltså en kortnovell på exakt 100ord exklusive titel och jag tycker tanken är väldigt bra, då formen är både kreativ och lagomt krävande. För mig är problemet ofta att fatta mig kort, så här lär jag mig skala bort det överflödiga.
Augustis tema är text, och mitt bidrag är följande:
Saga är besatt av tanken på levande ord.
Hon tar oregelbundet fram böcker ur hyllorna och bläddrar i dem för att ”lufta deras åsikter”, och har ofta högläsningskvällar trots att vännerna främst dyker upp för att dricka vin och se på youtubeklipp.
När han minst förväntar sig det ber hon dessutom Lee sitta stilla medan hon skriver på honom med bläck eller färg och ser fascinerat på när musklerna rör sig under bokstäverna. Sen har de sex och förstör hennes lakan medan orden lämnar skuggor över hela hennes kropp.
Hon gråter undantagslöst i duschen när allt sköljs av henne efteråt.
fredag, juni 22, 2012
För oss mer långtida och registrerade kunder, skickades det ut inbjudningar till en kundkväll med te/kaffe/chokladprovningar samt 20% rabatt på hela sortimentet. Då jag är nyfiken av mig och höll på att få slut på Cheesecake-te svängde jag förbi med en kompis i en timma och handlade lite.
Det är en väldigt mysig butik. Stora fönster gör att det släpps in mycket mer ljus än i huvudbutiken (iaf under sommarhalvåret), och det är såklart nymålat och uppfixat, men utan att tappa känslan som är typisk för tehörnan, med sina rödbrunbetsade hyllor och långa kassabord. Dock väldigt underligt att de inte gjort plats för några teburkar alls, och lämnat dessa i andra butiken.
Istéet smakade för mycket persika för min del (det var smaksatt persika-citron, men jag hade föredragit lite mer citrus), sommarsage-téet var fruktigt men milt och kaffet minns jag tyvärr inte, men det kanske är ett betyg i sig, vad vet jag. Chokladpralinerna var av blandade resultat, jag tyckte nog mest om chokladöverdragen kolatryffel. Annars var päronkolorna intressanta.
Jag köpte 200g te, och kom därifrån med en tung goodie bag värd säker fem gånger mer än jag handlade för, så jag sammanfattar det hela med en mycket lyckad förhandsvisning och eftermiddag.
fredag, juni 01, 2012
So I dressed up, in case I felt inclined to stay out all night, and made it out of the apartment not much later than expected.
It was nice, I had two glasses of wine, met some new people, had some laughs. When we got to the club though, I still didn't really feel like partying, and I already felt tired and knew I need to save money. My saving came in the guise of a ridiculously long line. After 10 minutes me and my friend gave up, left the others and went for a coffee instead. 40 minutes later he re-joined the party, and I decided to head home. It struck me then, that I was having an old lady-week.
Some weeks, I just feel so much older than I am. I only want to sit home and read, and have tea and biscuits (this of course, I do pretty often). The clincher is, during these weeks, I prefer being alone, I always get nostalgic for music from my teens, and ideally, I watch British murder mysteries (oh M, I miss our Tea & Murder - weekends) and bake cakes. Sometimes I even do some knitting.
And it feels like an odd but welcome break from just a month ago, when I partied everyday for a week with more energy than I mustered up for partying ever, despite what age I've been, and felt like a wreckless teenager. It just feels like this exhausted compensatory week should have reared it's demanding head earlier. But no, it's been a month of combined job-hunts and part-time work, lots of new responsibilities, trying to get good exercise in while failing to get enough sleep... but all in all, it's felt like it usually does.
And then suddenly, this week I've wanted nothing more than to be in bed before midnight, I've taken up knitting my friends scarf, I walk around the house wearing this big fleece sweater though I otherwise prefer not being too warm, and after a couple of days of mostly listening to Lady GaGa, I had this sudden urge for Nickelback and Creed today (hel-lo 16 year old me...).
All the signs point towards me going into old lady-mode (basically it's like the catnap version of hibernation, or just a quick battery recharge) , so I am gonna comply. Therefor, if you are looking for me but can't get hold of me, I will probably be knitting away at home and re-organizing my bookshelves this week, out of touch with reality.
lördag, maj 26, 2012
tisdag, april 17, 2012
Varit på universitetets kognitionslabb och deltagit i ett experiment, träffat A för lunch och plockat upp massa papper hon skrivit ut åt mig, lämnat av böcker, vinkat av Silvi som skulle till Litauen, sett senaste avsnittet av GoT, diskat hela helgens disk, promenerat, sett film hos C, skrivit massa mail, dammsugit, städat, deklarerat, bokat tvättid, gått ut med sopor och återvinning, läst manga som ska recenseras, sökt ett par jobb, bloggat och börjat sortera igenom senaste tidens fotografier.
I eftermiddag ska jag dessutom gå på brf-styrelsemöte, dricka te med en vän som glömde sina vantar här i helgen, söka fler jobb, översätta en del papper åt en bekant, samt se på film som ska recenseras.
Imorgon har jag ännu ett experiment på kognitionslabbet, sen ska jag reklamera skor, träffa Ted, läsa på bokcirkelsboken, plugga, gå på gymmet och se på Bones med A.
Åh solen, kan du inte bara stanna kvar och tina upp allt och göra dagarna ljusare, så jag kan vara såhär aktiv och produktiv nästan varje dag? Är det för mycket begärt?
fredag, april 13, 2012
Many of my friends recommended the series, and so when HBO decided to finally give the tv-adaptation a serious try, I had convinced myself to wait with watching it until I had at least read the first novel.
With that said, I did pretty well at first. But last week, in time for the second episode of the second season to be broadcasted, I threw in the towel. I was way too curious to wait. So me and my visiting sister gave it a try, and then basically devoured every episode there was to see in two days.
So if anyone else out there is stupidly waiting to watch this for simmilar reasons as I, I am telling you right now: You're being an idiot.
I am now obsessively waiting for the next episode, constantly humming the theme-music, and buying the Game of Thrones novel as soon as my next paycheck rolls in.
lördag, mars 17, 2012
torsdag, mars 15, 2012
A scarf and a jacket - but my sister tells me they are in Stockholm.
Sleepy Hollow DVD
The last one is irksome. Not only was the case a really big and nice one from ZARA that a friend gave me, and the only case we found that fit my glasses in them, but also, I really liked my shades. I only had one pair, and it's been so sunny lately it's ridiculous. Will have to turn my parent's place up-side-down when I head over there.
onsdag, mars 14, 2012
I don't know if it's the sunshine, my vitamin supplements kicking in, or just me pushing all the stress and anxiety I talked about last time into a far dark corner of the brain and then ignoring it, but the results have subsequently been just fine.
I talked to one of my dear Spanish sister last week, first time we caught up since my New Years visit. She's coming to see me soon, I am thrilled! And dear Amie will be staying with us all of April! I can't believe it's only weeks until every other one from the old crowd returns to town, the potential insanity of it all is mind-bottling (check the reference).
I got tattooed -finally! It went very smoothly, though I have a second session by the end of the month to get some detail work done. I adore it, and will most probably write about it on some other occasion.
Had a long talk with my little brother, and he's visiting us southerners soon in time for Norouz. If he stays longer I might meet him again in April too, which would be awesomeness.
I got some serious studying done, and am finally following a good schedule (and having the energy for it) when it comes to the thesis. The plan is to write about a 1,5 a day, and read all the literature that needs to be read. It doesn't sound too bad, but according to my advisor, that should make up for about 10hours of studies/day for the next month, o joy.
Anyways, I wrote some reviews, cleaned, and got up in the mornings without feeling painfully exhausted.
Also. have come to realize that "this dating-thing" I've been doing, stopped being just that quite some time ago, and has evolved into what I now instead refer to as "this relationship-thing", which is quite nice ;)
My sister came to visit for the weekend, and as always it makes me glad. We visited some of my friends, saw The Artist (which I really enjoyed btw, it was charming and fun and not too long, and for a silent movie quite cleverly incorporated sound just when things were on the verge of getting a bit too repeated), talked. It was a short visit, but I'm glad we had the time for it.
Then on Monday, M. came to visit. She had some meetings in town yesterday, so she showed up the night before to give us the chance of catching up for the first time in many many months, and watch British murder mysteries the way we used to. It ended up with more catching up, talking friends, work and her wedding, and less Foyle's and Miss Marple, but it was lovely. And in the morning, I got up at the same time as her, made us banana pancakes, and the rest of the day I was on a roll.
Since yesterday morning I've cleaned and vacuumed the flat, repeatedly done dishes, studied, met a friend for coffee, watched movies with M (and A who managed to make a short visit to join us for dinner last night), met my thesis advisor, applied for a job, sent all the emails I was going to send this week, spent hours transcribing and translating a Danish interview to English, gone for a long walk, basked in the glorious sun, and just felt very very good about things.
If I had the energy to even do what I've done for the past 2 days in twice the time, every week would go much more smoothly. Perhaps the sunlight will really help. I hope so. Yesterday I went to Uni in a sweater, jeans and my leather jacket. Music in my ears, red lipstick, no scarf and all smiles. I wish more days would be like that this spring.
And perhaps they will. It's been warm enough for me to turn of the heating in the flat, though it is only March so there might as well be snowstorms in two weeks to noones surprise. But things might turn out nice, and this energy boost might stays a while. I do have much ahead of me.
April will be quite the month.
fredag, mars 02, 2012
I think it could be the massive carb overload lately and the lack of gym sessions, but also the lack of minerals and vitamins (hence the supplements).
Also lately, I'm not sleeping that well. It's been months since I went through a whole night without waking, though some nights I go back to sleep almost immediately. Other times it's a lot of tossing and turning. The past weeks it's been more of the second, and most days of the week I don't fall asleep until really late/very early, or dream about these insipid things, like people I used to know showing up for no apparent reason and without really interacting with me, or me going somewhere and never getting there, or me just waiting. They're not nightmares, but neither are they good dreams, cause they consistantly leave this sense of restlessness after I awake that gets me stressed out or exhausted.
This week was OK all in all. I met friends, I got work done, I studied and watched movies. And today, things started so good. I spent time with people I care about, I ran errands, studied, took a walk in the sun, had coffee. I called my sister and said I hoped she had a great time at the concert tonight. I called my dad and congratulated him on his birthday.
Yet, on the way to the gym, this sudden feeling a void just struck me, and I felt like someone had punctured a hole into me. By the time I was on the mat doing the pilates-exercises, my hands were all numb and I felt like I was reacting to the instructers voice coming from another room. For a while I kept looking at my hands, feeling like they weren't mine. It was this strange sense off dissolving, like I couldn't even pinpoint where I was. And I felt so tired. Just from the street outside the gym I felt so suddely exhausted I wanted to cry, and afterwards I couldn't wait to get home.
So now I'm here, I've had dinner, and I don't know where the last 3 hours went. I can't think of anything I've done. And I'm so tired still. Why am I like this?
onsdag, februari 29, 2012
Den här veckan blir det sex månader sedan jag fick nycklarna hit, och jag har knappt bott här halva den tiden, men allt känns rätt.
Det mesta är klart nu, fastän jag själv ser det som är kvar.
Gardiner ska upp, två golvlister som ska i, lite som ska målas, lite som ska putsas. Men det är mest möbler som saknas. Jag behöver fler bokhyllor, kanske en TV. En säng så jag slutar sova i bäddsoffan (fastän den är fantastisk, men om jag får gäster som övernattar blir det knepigt), ett soffbord och en skohylla. Det är fortfarande böcker överallt där de inte ska vara det, kläder överallt nu för jag har packat upp och tvättat det sista som varit undanlagt, och flera smålådor i sovrummet som jag inte packat upp ännu. Men det känns ändå klart. Det är fint, och rent, och det mesta är ordnat. Jag lagar mat och diskar och pluggar och lever här. Jag mår bra här och hoppas att det fortsätter så.
Till och med mina grannar är snälla. Ordförande i föreningen lånar mig nycklar från sin egen lägenhet när jag behöver det, den något äldre herren i lägenheten bredvid tillbringade en halvtimma idag med att hjälpa mig lära mig hur man hanterar den antika jättemangeln i tvättstugan och stannade tills jag manglat klart allt.
Det är långsamma, fullplanerade dagar som går och flyter ihop, men det är ändå OK. Jag är trött och har börjat ta järntillskott igen, och skolan känns så tung. Det är så mycket kvar av uppsatsarbetet, och travarna med böcker känns nästan hotfulla vissa dagar. Jag vet inte hur jag ska dela upp allt ännu, men det måste ordnas, helst igår om det gick.
Jag borde försöka hitta ett jobb också, men vet inte riktigt hur jag ska få tiden att räcka till. Kanske när jag blir lite piggare? Tills vidare känns det som en oerhört trygg och stabil punkt att jag trivs här. Och så ska jag skriva mer recensioner, annars går det inte runt.
Har tillbringat de senaste dagarna med att jobba, plocka och fixa i lägenheten och dra runt lite som i dimma. Såg Iron Lady på bio med A. och träffade lite folk igår, men känner mig inte helt vaken ännu. Lyssnat på No Doubt och soundtracket till Cowboy Bebob, och allt kändes liksom lite vagt.
Och sen plötsligt i eftermiddags; lägenheten badar i solsken, som om det vackraste med våren var precis bakom fönsterglaset, och jag känner att saker kommer lösa sig fint. Om inte imorgon så åtminstone snart, och det är tillräckligt.
Jag ska släppa allt och bli bara förväntningar.
torsdag, februari 23, 2012
He's already seen the entire series at least once, but I hadn't, despite the good efforts of more than one friend.
It starts out great, turns pretty twisted, unravels into complete chaos, and ends as a total mindfuck. I barely know how to process it.
I have a friend who calls me Audrey. I've never felt so beautiful.
tisdag, januari 17, 2012
As a young girl, I concidered myself a pretty avid reader, though unfortunately I don't think so anymore (mostly cause I keep running out of time in porportion to what I want to read). For years I even listed the titles and authors of all the books I read, registering them for almost ten years on this old computer we had back home. During my high school-days it crashed, taking my only copy of that list with it and in all honesty - leaving a bit of a void in me. I never registered books again, perhaps the bitterness of it wouldn't let me.
Back when I started the list, I was a regular at the public libraries. I never had that much money, so for years and to my mothers amusement yet slight annoyance, I would only buy books I had already read and knew I really liked, cause I only wanted to spend the money on something I would appreciate. I didn't start buying books in larger quantities up until after high school, so I've never considered myself having that many books. Still, apart from traveling and food, it would be the thing I spend the most money on.
Now that I finally moved into my own, proper apartment, I have to admit that what I've been the most excited about is that I get to have all my books in one place. It hasn't been the case since I moved out of my parents house in March 2009, and I've gotten a whole lot more books since then (I think my book collection expanded with 40-50 new titles during the Fall's 12-week internship alone, and that is despite the fact that I, to my great chagrin, was too broke to buy a single book during the Gothenburg Book Fair in September).
Books make me happy, and so I surround myself with them as much as I can. As a kid, I got chewed out by my teachers for bringing my own novels to class and reading them during hours instead of listening to the lessons. And one of my biggest dreams was to one day own the library that belongs to the Beast in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, I was that kind of a nerdy kid - all dreams.
Of course that particular one never came true (and never will), but I tried to compensate for it by having my new bedroom wallpapered with what looks like rows and rows of old books. One does one's best I suppose.
The thing is, as I mentioned, I never considered myself having that many books. But now that I'm unpacking, the books seem never-ending. I've been thinking of registering all of them on Librarythings, but it seems like such a time-consuming ordeal that I'm doubting I'll ever get around to it.
At the moment though, my biggest concern is where to fit all the books. I have a big bookcase that I've moved here from mom and dads house, and dad put up some shelves yesterday as well. But I have the nagging feeling that unless I organize this incredibly well, they won't be nearly enough.
Around midnight tonight I did the mistake of unpacking more boxes since I wasn't sleepy. Now, almost four hours later, my entire couch (where I sleep these days until I purchase a new bed) is full of books, there's nowhere to put them and I am falling asleep as I am writing. I'm suspecting I'll have to move them all to one side of the sofa and just sleep on the other, which doesn't really worry me. What does on the other hand give me some concern, is that I've run out of everything remotely simillar to shelving-space, and still haven't even found the Sandman-volumes I set out to find about three hours ago.