torsdag, december 29, 2011


Spending New Years abroad with my Spanish sisters. Joy!!

lördag, december 24, 2011

Seasons Greetings

We were never bound by Christmas traditions in my family. The tree, the tinsel, the presents were brought in at an early stage though. My father could care less, my mother saw it as a break from the lasting dark of the season and we kids just saw the fun.
So we adopted Christmas and mangled all its roots: we ate ham from a month before the holidays and stopped somewhere around Easter. We had a plastic tree, which we would boldly bring out and decorate sometimes as soon as by first Advent. We seldome followed the traditional Christmas program "Julkalendern" on TV, and on Christmas Eve we missed "Donald Duck's Christmas" every other year and convinced our parents that opening presents in the morning instead of the evening was a-OK, even though we knew it was probably wrong. We ate a mix of Swedish and Persian cuisine, and sometimes spent the day with friends, or relatives, or just with family.

These days, I wrap all the family gifts, almost into some kind of ikebana-monstrosities. Mom wants the tree out earlier though we wait til last minute. Some years the presents are aplenty, some years my siblings and I cut a budget plan. It doesn't matter. It's always nice.
This year the tree needs to be replaced and is instead full of kitch-tinsel to fill it out. I want to see Donald and my brothers girl makes fun of me. It's relaxed, and nice, and all I want is some mulled wine and a cookie and to forget I have exams in two weeks.

I hope everyone else I know and care for has an equally lovely time. Take a breather, it's good for you.

Merry Christmas everyone!

måndag, december 12, 2011

Are You Decent?

My sister came to visit me this weekend. We spent time watching Modern Family, talking, having coffee, meeting my friends and discussing the glamour of old movie actresses. Though we both have a love for old (sometimes black and white) comedies, we've usually stuck to 50's Hepburn stuff.
This weekend, it was more of a 40's theme, and we saw Gilda. Now honestly, there are no actresses looking like Rita Hayworth. I don't mean just her face, I mean the style, there's just this classic beauty radiating from her that you don't see in actresses today, despite some of them being gorgoeus.

It just seems odd to me, somehow. Because it's not that the western idea of beauty has changed that much in 70 years (not like for example slim being considered hot and healthy, while fat was all the rage 500 years ago). But it's something, unrelated to just hair and makeup and clothes, that make women todays faces really look more modern in contrast with the faces on screen back in the day. You can make them up in the same fashion and film them in black and white, and it would still show that it's fake, and that's considering that even actresses like Hayworth got some work done. The problem with looking fake today is that it's stopped being slight enhancments like corsets and a raised hairline, and now people put so much chemicals in themselves they look like they've frozen in time and space. Now this on the other hand, is amazing because it so damn alive:

onsdag, december 07, 2011


I joined my friends ambitious game-inspired photo project this year, and have already been enjoying myself immensly.

I've part-taken in two shoots since July. The first was on Alice: Madness Returns, that was released this very summer, where I model the deeply disturbed Alice.
The second was a 20's themed retro-mashup of Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, Alone in the Dark and Laura Bow and the Dagger of Amon Ra, where I play ditzy but ambitious southern gal Laura Bow.

As of today, I will also be blogging for the homepage from time to time. Find us at:

I write and operate under the name C. Sanchez for reason undisclosed at the time being. My charming avatar was made by Meiko Revolver, who has in fact never met me.

onsdag, november 30, 2011

Advent Calendar

The Advent Calender is a big thing in Sweden. Famously known as Julkalendern, it's a national koncept that's been spreading into every aspect of Swedish life throughout the decades. You can buy a Julkalender of diffirent sorts. Some are filled with chocolate, and each day, from the 1st to the 24th of December you open a new hatch and get a piece of candy. Or behind the cardboard window there will be an image, or a rhyme. Some families make big calenders, where every day grants a small token or gift, building excitment (and further fueling capitalism...) all the way up to the big day. Stores are now offering simmilar gift-baskets.
There's even a yearly TV-show called Julkalendern. A new story devided in 24 episodes, broad casted throughout December, making it's way into most homes. Christmas is a very, very big deal in Sweden. It's a time of warmth and light during some of our darkest days.

As today is my last day at my wonderful publishing internship, I want to share with you a Christmas gift. An advent calender, at MIX - förlaget för crossover litteratur. Every day, there will be an update with pictures, stories or rhymes, given to us by our published authors and friends. Amongst others there will be Swedish authors Karin Tidbeck and Anna Kerubi, and on the international side of our publishing - Neil Gaiman, Miroslav Penkov and Angie Chau.

I'm looking forward to every day of the calender with a pang of anticipation the can only be what the essence of Christmas should ever be about.

tisdag, november 15, 2011

The Big Wind-Up

In conversation last night:

Me: It's stress. It's always stress.
Mom: But... are you really that bad off? You seem very calm.
Me: Well... someone has to be (laugh).
Mom: So you just keep staying stressed and ignore it?
Me: No. I keep busy, and I don't act out so much. It would probably be healthier if I acted out. I just.. prefer not to. And then implode.
Mom makes unhappy face.
Me: Don't worry. Sometimes when it's too much, I go off on my own and have a good cry and then sleep it off, and then go back to being busy.
Mom: Oh honey...
Me: To each his own mom, to each his own.

söndag, oktober 30, 2011

Kvällens tekopp: Kustfägring

Grönt te smaksatt med havtorn, jordgubb och yoghurt. Köpt på Kahls.

Omdöme: Milt, sött, doftar gott. Blir lätt beskt om det drar för länge eller om vattnet är för hett, så koka ej till 100grader.

fredag, oktober 28, 2011

Hazy Shades

There's a week left 'til my 26th birthday. It's been a very busy and hectic year, mostly in a good way, I think.
Autumn's been very stressful, and apart from the internship I'm also up to the neck in studies, which means I am basically doing two full-time scheduals and therefor studying at 200%. Because of some really messed up paper-work, I also get no financial aid until I can prove that I've taken credits these past months. I lack 2,5credits to be appointed student aid, and during november I will be finishing 30credits worth of course work. You'd think that should be enough, together with plenty of phonecalls and both e-mails and letters from my teacher, but my case is one of many amongst the masses of paper being shuffled between idiots, so at the moment I live off of my parents never-ending goodwill.

Being home, I do get to see my Stockholm friend's once in a while, but mostly for lunches during the weeks. I spend a lot of time with my sister as well, which I really appreciate. We have fun together, and we talk and watch tv-series a lot.
I do miss my Uppsala-life, and my friends, and having more of my own space. I also miss my old neighbours alot. This week especially, I've been going through pictures from the past two years and been ridiculously nostalgic. I blame the fact that they are far, but also the fact that this time of year makes me emotional and travel-sick. November always holds the promise of more grey and more cold than I would like to see, all in one place, inside and out.

Also, closing in on my birthday, it makes me all the more aware of the 25-list I had laid out for myself this year. I didn't even come close to finish it. But I did do alot of things I've wanted to do, and did manage to atleast begin on a lot of projects that I'll finish in a near future. I'm quite pleased by the results all the same. Now I'm thinking, should I make a new one for next year? Or throw myself into the very ambitious 101 things in 1001 days-project instead? I could always continue on the stages from my first that I left unfinished and go from there.

torsdag, oktober 20, 2011

Hello CIA

It's been a strange year when it comes to the war against terror.
The world is (still, and always will be) full of oppression that many agree on should not be ignored, but many are also the people who throw non-appreciative glances towards the US. and their foreign-policies.
The 10th year marker after 9/11 came and went, and it was odd for me to realize it had been so long since a happening that monumentally changed the world's view on people with my ethnical heritage, and gave nations the right to invade other countries far away, with no proof, no plan, and no other intention than "doing the right thing"; which was essentially bombing poor people, looking for political figures for years without finding them and then leaving whole countries in shambles in the Middle East after being accused of only going there for the oil in the first place.

Yet things have happened, and changed. Bin Laden was finally killed this year. I say finally, not because it was a good thing that a crazy oppressor was killed (because there was no trial and no real punishment for all he's done), but because he was a symbol of many a things evil, and an easy way to look at a very complicated problem. He was one face to represent many horrors in Afghanistan (and in the world) and now that he is finally out of the picture, perhaps the rest of the western world can concentrate more on actually helping the people of Afghanistan build new lives with some dignity, instead of wrecking everything and then just leaving all our shit behind for them to deal with, when not finding what we're looking for.

The people of Egypt took up arms, and marched and marched for their freedom. It was, in everyway a glorious, powerfully haunting and brutal thing. They lost so very much to gain new ground, and hopefully, hopefully, there are new roads to pave. Of course, one of the major issues pressed on from the western world should now be "Will this new democracy you are striving for include the rights of women?" Because that aspect seems conviniently forgotten now that people (a.k.a. men) want to rebuild a new and free Egypt (for men, apparently).

And today, Muammar Gaddafi, the military ruler of Libya was announced dead. In Stockholm, the news showed people of Libean heritage celebrate. Ofcourse, there is always fear, even through the happiness. What if the news is wrong? What if the riots that follow claim more lives? What if the next regime is even worse? (Believe me, that's what most Iranians had to wittness after the revolution of -79).
But still, times they are a-changing. With casualties, with chaos, but maybe maybe in a slightly better direction.

I was thinking this, when I a couple of hours earlier mentioned to a friend on Facebook-chat that I had seen the news of Gaddaffi's death. I said, it was interesting how many (I meant of these dictators) who had died or been overthrown this year. I then said, that I wondered why noone had tried to take out the Israeli regime.
Now, many would think that this is a very strange comparison. That Israel is not a dictatorship or a terrorist nation. I disagree. I believe that the Jewish people have a right to their own country, to freedom and happiness and dignified lives. I refuse to believe though, that this can only be achieved by the systematic and terrorfilled oppression of their neighbours the Palestinians, who finally made a formal appeal for their independence this autumn. Perhaps it is as writer Amos Oz says, for both nations to reach a satisfying solution, there must perhaps first be made compromises that leave both parties un-satisfied.
The Israeli regime might represent the fears of their people, persecuted for generations, but they cannot make me believe that the entire nation agrees that the best way of securing your own rights is to bring a new Holocaust upon you neighbours. The Gaza war of January 2009 was basically an attempt of annihilating a country from the face of the Earth, and the fact that the rest of the world just stood by and watch will forever be one of the most disgusting political dicisions made in my youth. It was so dispicable that some Jewish soldiers refused to go to war. Civilians protested. And everyone who part-took in these "unpatriotic acts" was sent to prison. In Sweden, that would be called discrimination against human rights and freedome of speech being violated by the rulers, but apparently, Isreal is not to be judged.

I find that horrific, and disgusting. I believe the regime of Israel is in many ways the same cruel, self-deluded madmen and murderers as Ghadaffi and Bin Laden. I believe that the nation of Israel deserves more than to carve it's future through the bodies of Palestinians, and I believe the people of Palestine have been long denied their human rights.

But, apparently saying this, or even indicating this by comparing the Israeli regime to Gaddafi and questioning why noone has tried to overthrow and kill them yet, is not kosher (haha), cause withing 5 minutes of writing this in my chat, my Facebook account was down for maintnance. The page informed me to return in a couple of minutes, and has as of then been unavailable to me for hours.

So, as I now feel very, very watched, I want to take this moment to say openly to whoever did all the conspiracy-like watching:

As a woman of Middle Eastern heritage, a feminist and socialist, I find the American foreign-politics to be a self-righteous, patriotic, religiously fanatic load of crap, and truly believe that the rest of the world would despise you much less if you kept it in your pants and stopped being such hypocritical arses. By now, half the third world would rather live in misery than have your wrecking-ball mentality invade their countries, and the other half are mostly blaming you for their regimes, as you continuously help opressors until they turn their backs on you.

Also, I am a literature major at Uni that barely passed second year high school chemistry, so you have no fear of me ever wanting to concoct anything strange on planes, not even now, even though my comments above might make me look like a potential risk. I can ofcourse see why you think me tempted though, cause of me being of so-called "terrorist decent" as i think it was called on American Dad, and the fact that your flight rules forced everyone else in the world to adapt to a system were we bring everything in with hundreds of miniature bottles, making everyone's bag look like something out of CSI. At least make it up to me by letting me off the hook when having to sign the ridiculous papers about not being a spy or affiliated with Nazi Germany pre-1945 everytime I fly to the US to visit relatives and friends, and finally:

If you really have the time to flag people like me through Facebook, mail, or phone-conversations, I propose you put your resources into other more urgent stuff: as in finding actual criminals, repaying your humoungous debt to China or donating the money to Zuckerberg - who despite all his money cannot seem to design a new Facebook update that doesn't suck.

That would be all.

onsdag, september 28, 2011

Work Flow

Today, I was alone at work due to the others being ill.
Due to spending almost two days on my own at the office, I don't really know what to do when finished with my assignments. I've read all the texts and short stories sent to me, registered comments and opinions. I've looked up some images for the picture index for one of our books, even though it is pretty tedious work, since they all seem to be pulled out of the same book yet never there to find when looking in said book. At least it's not just me it's giving a head ache, so I don't need to feel incompetent. It is apparently not a very well made index from the start...

Also, apart from my work tasks, today I have studied, corresponded with my thesis supervisor at school, and started looking over one of my own short-stories from last year that needs some editing. All this despite being doped up on painkillers. Some days I'm just better at piecing things together I guess.

lördag, september 24, 2011

Bokmässan 2011

Det är tio i fem, jag har sovit tre och en halv timma och jag ska strax iväg till Cityterminalen för att ta en sex-timmars buss till Göteborg och vara med på Bokmässan för första gången. Mycket förväntansfull!

måndag, september 19, 2011

The Intern

So I got the internship. As of last week I am a weekly resident at my parents house in Stockholm, going into town for work in the morning (albeight not too early) and returning home around dinner-time like a proper office-lady, hahaha!

During the weekends I go back to Uppsala, trying to meet people and head off to the gym and do homework. At least that's the plan. But honestly, I have two (late!) assignments for the summer-course, and the deadline for an exam and the first 20 page draft of my thesis coming up by the first week of October, as well as some reviews for work that need to be written if I want a salary next month. I don't feel like I have the time to meet anyone anymore, and probably not for quite a while. And I get that I shouldn't, because honestly, friends will understand when you need to lay low for a while and get your shit together.
But knowing myself, I'll still end up watching movies with my sis and having lunch with friends in Stockholm anyway. I just think i should stop planning in stuff for the weekends so I can get some homework done and some shut-eye...

That said, I like it here. The others at MIX are smart, good at what they do and meticulous. They show me the ropes, and manage to be supportive at the same time. Not once have I felt like I don't get it. They genuinly care for their work, and I respect that a lot.
And they make me feel welcome, which I in turn repay with lots of gratitude (and work!).
I have my own desk, and a computer, and a phone as old as my sister, and it took about two days for said desk to look exactly like the rest of my life: organized chaos (mostly paper).

I really like it here. I'm suspecting 10 weeks will be over far faster than I would have hoped.

fredag, september 09, 2011


In my new appartment, getting ready to head out to IKEA and to the local recycling and trash-center, to dump whatever used to once be the kitchen here.

I'm a bit nervous, but I have faith in that dad will make this place look fantastic. In the mean time, I am spending my few days in Uppsala by going to the gym, meeting friends, having plenty of meetings with faculty members at school, and trying to help out at home wherever dad thinks I am going to cause the least amount of trouble. Yesterday, I was mostly re-packing bags, listening to songs from the Devdas Soundtrack and trying to not be in my fathers way whilst he totally slaughtered the kitchen, ripping out some of the cabinets with a crow-bar. Action-Man Dad to the rescue!
Today, I've been carrying boards, cabinets and planks for a couple of hours, so I'm considering cancelling this evenings pilates, seeing as I get quite alot of excersise done right here at home. Especially since I am planning on having a night out dancing as well.

fredag, september 02, 2011

Moving - again.

Today, I finally start moving into my new appartment. I signed the last papers and got the keys this morning. So, until dad gets here, I have three hours to pack my stuff, clean out the appartment I rented from a friend and run some errands downtown.

I'm excitet. As in really really excitet. And at the same time a bit scared, and very confused. There's so much to consider. Just thinking about changing wall-papers seems like a big deal. How do people renovate entire kitchens without going mad with choice?

tisdag, augusti 23, 2011

Clone Wars.

A few years ago, I read this article about how certain themes in movies seemed to attract the attention of script-writers at the same time. It was not the matter of competing, since usually scripts are kept in the dark until actually bought, but just that certain times found certain themes well adaptable for movies.
Some ideas just didn't follow through. When Guy Richie casted Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes, Sacha Baron Cohen was cast in the same role by someone else. That project was cancelled, but Richie's movie is now getting a sequel, and BBC made a magnificent modern-take mini-series on the story just last year (to be followed up this Autumn). Some exampel's that did come out within just a few months from eachother, are:

Full Metal Jacket - Platoon.
Near Dark - The Lost Boys
Thin Red Line - Saving Private Ryan.
Antz - A Bug's Life.
Capote - Infamous.
Clash of the Titans - Immortals

And every couple of years there is a new version of some Austen/Dickens/Brontë book, or a new version of Three Musketeers or perhaps Robin Hood. Fairytales as well, will never die. Especially now that Hollywood keeps spouting out remakes of all these 40's-80's movies, you know they won't be laying off the classics.

So why did I suddenly think of this tonight? Well, within the next few months, cinemas in Sweden will show a re-make of Brontës Jane Eyre, Dumas The Three Musketeers, a Robin Hood came out last year and a Red Riding Hood this year (see what I'm getting at?).
For next year, as fortold on IMDb (I love that page), there will be both an at the moment untiteled Snow White-project with Sean Beam and Julia Roberts, as well as Snow White and the Huntsman with Charlize Theron, who looks pretty amazing in her getup.

But... Really? Even if you are running out of ideas and looking to old stories is your way to go, how does Hollywood succeed in only looking in the same direction at the same time?
Rejuvenate your buisness or get out.

lördag, augusti 20, 2011


I have a week left of studies for my exams, and the stress still not as bad as it could be, which is good. I am doing well, working effectively but not fast enought, at least not yet. We'll see where I stand on that by the middle of the week.

I try to eat and sleep well, and am proud to say I'm hanging in there. Yesterday I woke up after only 4-5 hours, since the room was so warm and stuffy, and I couldn't go back to sleep. The entire day continued the same, building up to a storm, and it's been raining all night. I slept like a log, and got a good ten hours in me. I try to not stay cooped up either, and make sure I leave the appartment for a walk, a visit to the libraries, a coffee in town, just to get some fresh air and stretch my legs. All in all, I've been holding to my plan of not getting too distracted. I don't surf on the web half as much as I usually do, I ignore the phone, I canceled next weeks movie-plans, and I feel like I'm getting somewhere. It's not fun, but it's good.

For the past week, this has been the primary aspect of my life, with the exception that the titles of the books change depending on the assignment I'm working on, and that the computer sometimes shows youtube or Spotify etc, instead of the schools teaching platform.
Woop- woop...

tisdag, augusti 16, 2011

Our ways are not your ways.

My summer course this year, is a literature class revolving around the western vampire myth, from the 18th centure 'til today, focused primarily on the socio-political powerstructures and gender-roles of the genre. It's interessting and entertaining, though there is a lot more to read than I actually have the time to go through.
The past two weeks reading have centered on Bram Stokers Dracula, and we are supposed to analyze it with the help of overwhealming amounts of scholarary literature, out of which my favourite is Gilbert and Gubars The Madwomen in the Attic. Since I also have to finish up course-work and write exams next week for other classes, there's a heavy emphasis on studying in my life right now.

As a result, I woke up this morning after a very strange dream, were I was working in an office as the xerox-girl, and my boss was Keanu Reeves playing Jonathan Harker. After that, everyone at the office ended up at his mansion of a home, were we were celebrating a big Jewish holliday (this seemed extra strange to me after awakening, until I remembered that only yesterday I had a long discussion on the topic of Jonathan Safron Foers Eating Animals, and his Jewish background and how that had influenced his views on food, kosher, and meat in general). Throughout the dream, I kept wondering what on earth I was doing there, and at some point followed one of my "co-workers" to the front gates to wave them off. As I turn around Jonathan is on the front lawn, talking to someone, and does not pay attention to a big car that comes up the drive way. He calls over his shoulder to the newly arrived guest to just "go in and make yourselves comfortable" and then turns to all of us and waves us in to continue the dinner party. As we walk up the stairs, the new guest is standing by the door. As he looks up, we all realize that it's Dracula, and that this also means that Harker has invited him in. Suddenly Dracula runs off into the house, Harker chases him, and the rest of us, for some insane reason, run off after Harker.
Upstairs, I find Harker struggeling with Dracula, whose face is a mix between Gary Oldmans longhaired, eye-glass wearing version from the Coppola-film, as well as some hideously deformed, melting thing the colour of bruises. I stop, frozen, breathless, and look at the scene infront of me, and suddely can only think: Why is Dracula so PURPLE?

That's when I wake up. This reminds me very much of last years summer-course influenced dream, where I was avoiding a Baltimore druglord. I really need to start distancing myself more from my work.


Jag är mitt uppe i en frenetisk plugg-period, och kastar mig mellan sommarkursens uppgifter och tentaplugg inför nästa vecka. Självklart vet jag att det delvis är dålig planering från min sida. Samtidigt vet jag att det aldrig blir bra om jag inte är under åtminstone ett viss mån av stress. Det är ohälsosamt, jag vet, men produktivt.
I flera år försökte jag tänka att jag skulle förändras, nu vet jag att det aldrig kommer hända. Jag försöker bara bli bättre på att jobba snabbt. Oftast funkar det, och resultatet är jag, om inte stolt över så åtminstone nöjd med. Ibland ska man inte begära mer och bara gå vidare.

Just för att det är mycket i studieväg nu, vill jag såklart mest göra annat. Men jag håller mig i skinnet rätt bra, och är i stort sett bara hemma och pluggar. Jag har stängt av ljudet på telefonen, kopplat bort de bra högtalarna för att inte spela för hög musik (utifall att jag då börjar dansa istället för att plugga), och försöker hålla mig borta från att strösurfa på nätet. Jag ser däremot till att komma ut ur lägenheten på promenader, sover minst 7 timmar, och äta åtminstone två ordentliga mål om dagen. Det är ovanligt att jag kombinerar produktiva perioder med en hälsosam livsstil, men det skulle vara skönt om jag lyckades för en gångs skull. Nu har det visserligen bara hållit på i fyra-fem dagar, så jag borde inte ta ut någon glädje i förskott.

måndag, augusti 08, 2011


Recapping the past week: I've been running errands, spent time with family and friends (not enough of them), studied (not enough of that either), part-took in a friends photo project, and as I had wanted too for many years now: I attended Stockholm Pride Parade 2011, both watching it with sister and friends as well as joining in and walking in it, albeight not for a very long stretch.

The parade was amazing, with so many walking for their equal rights, and so many to support them. Proud parents and children (this was one of the most beautiful parts), so many happy, dressed up people. It's wonderful that Pride is such a big thing in Sweden, and at the same time, so tragic that the most basic of human right; the right to your own body and sexuality, as well as your conscious decision of who you are together with (in and outside the bedroom) are denied so many people. I hope that for each year, we march forward not only on the streets but in our acceptance as well.

The fact that so many out there make it their buisness to deny others the right to love someone else, based on something as ridiculous as the gender of their choice partner, is beyond me. No actually, it disgusts me.
How can it possibly be anyones right to judge others choice in partner? This choice is made based the joint decision of two individuals, in love and hoping to share a healthy and happy life together. Yet they keep struggeling, fighting for a everyday existance were they can kiss eachother on the street without others recoiling, where they can adopt without others blaiming them for destroying childrens lives, were they can donate blood, go to the damn bank and get the same loans based on the same sets of requirements demanded of straight customers. And this is in Sweden, that often prides itself for being "the most equal country in the world", which honestly, mostly just means: "We're a couple of steps ahead of most of you other nations, and are obtuesly using this as an excuse to not keep trying to improve".

The thing is, there are plenty of straight couples out there, whose relationship is shit. The fighting couples, the cheating couples, the jealous and destructive couples. Yet, noone is banning them from keeping at it, from trying to get it right. Or even worse, the ones not trying to change: couple that abuse eachother, people who hurt their children - they're never actually scrutinezed as a potential representative for everyone with the same sexual preferance as themselves.
Statistically, most couples are straight and therefore, more fucked up, horrible, monstrous abusers and rapists in relationships are also straight. Yet, they don't represent all straight people. A man who's gay, is inevitably denied adopting rights on the basis that he will "turn his kids gay", as if that is on par with some asshole wife-beating drunk, who's going to pass on his brutality to his kids.

There might also be plenty of gay couple out there that are unhappy for the same reason as straight couples. But no one straight is denied their right to partnership based on the fact that their relationship is lousy. I mean, why shouldn't gay people have the same right to be happy, OR miserable, as everybody else?
They have the same wants and dreams as straights, the same need to laugh and feel like they belong, they work, pay taxes, they are good friends/lovers/relatives as well as really shitty ones, and at the end of the day, they should be able to feel like they are just as much part of this fucked-up, messed-up world as anybody else in it.

måndag, augusti 01, 2011


Moved out on Saturday, went back for a good through and through cleaning session (including scrubbing the bathroom ceiling, whiping clean the closet interiors, opening windows to clean them from the inside (sounds kinda creepy, I know) yesterday, and handed in the keys today.

Thank you Flogsta for two and a half amazing years. Moving on to bigger and bighter thing. I hope I won't miss you.

fredag, juli 29, 2011

Next Chapter, Please.

Will be moving out of the corridor tomorrow.
Feel sad in that nostalgic way you have when you leave something good, something really truly good, behind you. But also, ofcourse, excitet. The entire thing is finally sinking in, and though I shouldn't say anything lest I jinx it, I am very much anticipating good things in this next stage of my life.

Atleast, I am prepared for a change.
I like the feeling.

tisdag, juli 05, 2011

So far, so good.

Eight months ago, I begun my 25-project, as in the 25 new things I wanted to achieve, try out or enjoy during the year I am 25. Now, 2/3 into the year, I thought I'd give a bit of an overview on how far I've managed to come.

Out of the 25 items on list, I've only finished six. That is a bit daunting, knowing I have so much more left. I am aware of that not all of them are managable within the time-frame I've set, as other aspects of my life: school, social obligations, health and economy all weigh in.
I am for example unsure if my blood values are good enough for donation, as I have had a lack of iron for years. Yet I cannot test this at the time being, as I have to wait for 6 months to pass due to getting my ear pierced this spring. And, when talking of the piercing, it will be quite the feat, getting the blood test, and donating blood if possible, and then getting the tattoo, all before my 26th birthday, as all of this is only possible within a time-frame of 2,5 weeks! I should have planned that one better...

Also, there is no way I can afford a move, my bills, my past-times, and still get myself to Japan this year. The money I don't have (yet), will have to be saved up for other things; like the afformentioned move and tattoo, as well as a spa-treatment, an opera visit, etc.

But I have:

1) Held a massive cake-fest. For the night of my 25th birthday, I baked more than 15 kinds of cakes and sweets, and held a very low-key, 20's themes birthday-party with some lovely friends and neighbours.

3) Attended a ballet. I saw Coppelia at the Royal Opera in Stockholm, and not only did the comedic ballet catch my fancy, it also convinced me that this is something I should do atleast once a year.
Also, I have since then seen the brilliant theatre adaptation of the vampire novel Låt den rätte komma in (Let Me In), at Uppsala City Teatre, as well as enjoyed the live performance of singing comedian Stephen Lynch in Stockholm.
Seeing arts and entertainment live is always something I wish to do more often. I try to see a play every year atleast, and it always convinces me that if I had more money, I would get a yearly membership at the local theatre.

11) I have managed to spend both an amazing week in Madrid, as well as take a 40hour cruise ship to Riga. Though the latter will most surely make for a better trip when it's not taken in the freezing depths of winter, the former was amongst the best trips I have ever been on, and my constant day-dreaming of Madrid is now almost an obsession.

19) I have bought a long red wig that I adore, and I use it when I'm out for coffee, at dinner with friends and even at parties (and once at a club. It was too warm, I might add). Not only do I really like wearing it, but ever since I got it, I have (almost completely) stopped thinking about re-dying my own hair red again.

20) During the Riga-cruise, my friends and I decided to try the kareoke-bar. I managed to get myself through Soft Cell's Tainted Love without any accidents, but completely slaughtered Fly Me to the Moon, since they had told us it would be the Frank Sinatra version, and it wasn't, which completely threw me for a loop. At least is was funny =)

21) I went to the Spring Formal, dressed to the nines, and had a lovely time. My friend M, who three years ago, was the first who told me that I should atleast once experience the whole thing after moving to Uppsala, was my charming date, and made me feel comfortable and not at all out of the waters. I was very grateful, and felt ridiculously pretty all night.

I've read more then half the books by non-English/Swedish authors I was planning on reading, and have seen a fourth of all the movies on my list. I keep sending at least a letter or post card every month and hope to keep the habit up long after this is over. My weight's moving up and down the scale irregularly, but I keep track of things on Put The Cookie Down, and even though I don't always update on time, I don't think there should be any problems reaching an amount of at least 52 post by November.

All the other items might or might not get crossed off on time, and I really haven't a clue to how it'll turn out.

måndag, juni 20, 2011

Casting calls gone astray.

As of late, I've noticed that amongst the anonymous blog-visitors who end up here, many have done so while searching for "Autumn Frost Casting" (and will most likely do so still, after this is posted). Curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to google it myself, in an atempt to find what was going on (as IMDb had no info on any upcoming movie named Autumn Frost).

Turns out, the name of my blog (which is also the title of the 12th volume of the amazing Blade of the Immortal manga, as well as the name of an American female wrestler...) is the same as the premilinary work name for the upcoming Superman movie (!) - Man of Steel. As a superhero geek, this is pretty amusing. Ofcourse, I was never a Superman-fan, but I still find it pretty cool. My love was always for the Dark Knight, though many of the X-Men were quite diligently appreciated as well.

It turns out, casting calls have gone out for not only Man of Steel, but also Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises, and lastly, The Avengers movie, which will be directed by the fantastic Joss Weedon.

If I lived in the US, going on open casting calls to play extras in Superhero-flicks would be the exact kind of nerdy thing I would do, all the time. Sweden really doesn't live up to my grand movie-star expectation ;P

söndag, juni 19, 2011

One door closes.

So most of my neighbours have left. It has been a magnificent run, and living here has brought me great joy. Ofcourse, some heart ache is not unexpected in the wake of my corridor-life, yet I am taking it pretty well. I am a bit worried and stressed in reference to my own, unsure move, but I have atleast started the planning and will in the beginning of July start with the packing as well.

I have spent the last week doing homework for my summer-classes, reading, cleaning, meeting friends... I have gone to the movies, done some shopping, went for walks, and tried to avoid being caught in the rain, as it has been on-and-off pouring for the past five days.
I am eating well, sleeping well, starting a-new with the 200-situp challange, and am trying to plan ahead for the 25 While 25-list.

Life goes on, and you keep going on with it. Mayhaps a bit dented, but now with an extended family all across the globe. There's worse things than expensive flights, after all.

onsdag, juni 15, 2011

For the girls.

Entwine your fingers with mine,
our grips fast through the passage of days.
You'll pull me through
I'll carry you
worries overcome and tears
brushed away.

Each ray of sun a memory won
strands of laughter like lockets
hung -
around the neck and close to heart
Sisters, we're never far apart.

- Nahal, June 2011

onsdag, juni 08, 2011

Madness Returns

Semester is over, summer courses started yesterday, my neighbours are moving back to the countries they came here from, my relatives are visiting, the weather is hot and heavy yet not sunny, my workload is big, my training schedul shot to Hell and I am desperately looking for a new place to stay. I'm trying to make my life go around with social events, work and school and as always I think my body takes the toll.
A friend asked me yesterday if i didn't ever get tired of all the running, and I said that I was always tired. But if I stopped, much more than just exhaustion would probably catch up with me, so as long as I can take it I'll keep rolling.

Considering half of my friends leaving the country permanently, and me being uprooted soon enough, i think I'm taking things pretty well. Also have many things to look forward too, like seeing Stephen Lynch live in Stockholm tomorrow and seeing relatives I haven't seen for years. Also, this months paycheck is a bit bigger than usual, due to me working in the sales counter for Science Fiction Bokhandeln at the UppCon 11 convention last weekend. i was, as per tradition, dressed up in cosplay. This year, my co-worker N. made me an Alice-costume, based on the character from the game Alice: Madness Returns (the sequel to American McGee's Alice). It was awesome.

tisdag, maj 24, 2011

Spring Formal 2011

Amidst the assignments, appartment hunting, presentations, and all my other "must-do's", me and a friend attended Uppsala's Spring Formal, or as we say in Swedish, Vårbalen, this Saturday.

It was lovely. First of, my friend M is as charming as can be, and I am so happy he was my date. Since it was my first time there, he helped me out with some of the details, like the order in which you toast, and how to dance the waltz (believe me, I have no experience in wearing gowns, so the dancing in long skirts was quite tricky).
The food was rich and delicious, a five-course meal that I don't know how I managed to make room for. The drinks were abundant and the entertainment entertaining. I especially enjoyed the choirs own rendition of Rhianna.

All in all it was quite the experience, and after about 12 hours of partying, and 14 hours in a corset that's left my back bruised, I fell into bed completely exhausted, while a lot of the other participants continued with the festivities.

I think I got quite the taste for it. Now, it isn't really something one would do often, but I see the appeal. Once a year you get to dress up in a long gown, and donne jewelry and make-up you usually don't wear, feel fabulous, eat great food and have a lovely time. Why say no to that?
Of course, it's a bit on the expensive side, but worth it. And you can always be clever and choose a dress that will come in handy later on. I'm already planning on wearing mine at a friends wedding next year. Fancy and practical, just the way I like it =)

torsdag, maj 19, 2011

Go see: Fem.Phen.Med.

This weeks recommendation!

May 18th-21st, Uppsala University is holding a four day conference on Feminist Phenomenology and Medicin.

As a part of my present course at Uni, we are required to attend atleast four out of the 16 discussions on the articles presented.
Though I find the topic interesting, because of my very booked schedual, I probably won't attend to more than four or five. Today, I saw three of the speakers: Linda Fisher, Abby Wilkerson and Lanei Rodemeyer. It was pretty fascinating, though Wilkersons article, or perhaps topic, is a more correct word here) was the one that I felt most intrigued by.
Afterwards I also got to talk to two other of the guests, Marja-Liisa Honkasalo, who actually complimented me on my questions and recommended me some good reads, and Nikki Sullivan, who flew in all the way from Australia, who told me about the (for me) un-usual subject of her studies, queer dis(orientation) and the alienation of one from ones own body, and how this otherness manifests in the will to rid oneself of ones own physical appandeges, like arms and legs (what I consider self-mutilation), and the taboo around such a state.
As mentioned - fascinating!

Though the thing that gets me the most, is that someone has been sabotaging this conference. Sure, I get that the topic is controversial, but the response has been ridiculous.
About two weeks ago, the Center for Gender Studies at Uppsala University, put up big posters around Campus, to spread the word about the conference. Within a day, every single poster was gone. it was strange, but unfortunate. Yet, the next day, new posters were hung. And within a day, all were gone.
In the end, posters and flyers were hung up during 7-10 days. The University cleaning staff was informed about not taking down anything. The other departments put up flyers in support. And yet, except for posters put up behind locked glass cases, every single one was taken down within a day from being put up. For almost two weeks.

I just can't see who would be so angry, and have so much time on their hands, to spend two weeks of their lifes just to keep this up. What is wrong with them? What is it that is so provocative about gender studies (in Sweden!!), or about phenomenology? Or is it that they dislike the use of medicin in research on queer body images, or illness experience, or intersex and biomedicin?
It is sad, because even though it might not be in everyones field of interest, I'm sure there are people out there who would have liked seeing some of this, as there always is.

fredag, maj 06, 2011


Post-Madrid and post-Valborg. It feels like I've been dancing, eating, laughing and drinking for weeks. Maybe I have, time flows strange in spring.

I've taken up looking at new housing, after all, my lease is up in three months and it won't do to move in with family and friends unless I really have to.
Also, life is getting back to normal, or atleast I'm trying to figure out what to do to steer it back where it should be. There's a lot of studies up ahead, and with the appartment-hunt and moving, and friends going away, I don't think I'll be leaving Uppsala much more. I have a weekend in Stockholm booked for next week, and after that I'm planting my bum on Uppsala turf until I've found a new place to stay.

So, since my new classes start on monday, this is the last weekend I'll have that is a bit more relaxed. So E. is visiting me, and we're gonna watch some movies, talk and have picknick with friends if the weather allows it. After that, it's back to the grindstone.

fredag, april 22, 2011

Dear Sweden,

you suck. Your spring is awful, your wine is expensive and you are literally the place where the sun don't shine. I don't miss you at all.
In Madrid, the weather is so warm, I don't even mind when it rains. I walk hours everyday in a daze of total satisfaction at the choice of coming here alone. I'm ignoring our not-so-distant reunion, and wish you a future where I don't despise you. No love lost between us,

måndag, april 18, 2011

De vacaciones

I can barely sit still. Everything in me and around me seems to be moving with a sense of purpose that leaves a tingeling sensation in my skin, seeping into my veins and running through me to the tip of my fingers. And all I can think of is: in 26 hour in 25 hour in 24 hours... I've become the countdown.

I'm breathing warmth and sunshine already and I won't miss a thing, not a single thing. I'm walking down heated streets, dreaming living feeling the city sound, the summer sun, the far-off-ness from my life.

I'm never so much in love as when I'm travelling.

fredag, april 15, 2011

Gold Guns Girls

Nu har jag skickat in veckans recension, bestämt mig för vilka kläder jag ska packa med till Madrid och blivit helt besatt av att lyssna på Clash at Demonheads cover på Black Sheep, eller på Metric över huvud taget.

Solen skiner, jag ska på disputationsmiddag i kväll och sen ska jag ut och dansa. Det är bra.
Det mesta är faktiskt riktigt, riktigt bra.

onsdag, april 13, 2011


Det var länge sen jag fyllde en liknande enkät och tänkte att det kunde vara lite roligt. Kopierade den här från Vildvittra.

Nämn något som gjorde dig glad igår:
Träffade Balsam och Veronica!
Vad gjorde du kl 08 imorse: Sov.
Vad gjorde du för 15 min sedan: Tömde ICA-kassen och fyllde kylen.
Det sista du sa högt: ”Det är ingen fara”.
Det senaste någon sa till dig: ”Tack”.
Vad har du druckit idag: Grönt te.
Vad var det senaste du åt: En sån där måltidsersättnings-bar, eller vad man nu kallar det.
Vad var det senaste du köpte: Juice, vaniljyoghurt, vitpeppar, rökt skinka och blockchoklad.
Vad är det för färg på din ytterdörr: Ljusbrunt trä.
Vad är det för väder hos dig nu: Lite småkyligt och blåsigt men fortfarande blå himmel.
Godaste glassmaken: Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Eller Rocky Road. Eller passionfruktssorbet. Jag går mycket efter humöret och vädret när jag väljer.
Tror du på kärlek vid första ögonkastet: Hah! Nej.
Sover du tungt: Ja.
Drömmer du mardrömmar: Ibland.
Trivs du med ditt jobb: Ja.
Favoritklädsel: Jag föredrar svart framför det mesta. Får gärna ha spetsdetaljer, massa knappar/hakar/snörning, eller en hög krage om det är en överdel. Annars är jag mycket för bekvämlighet och ett av favoritplaggen är en jeansjacka jag haft i 11 år.
Favoritlåt just nu: Covern på Metrics Black Sheep med Clash at Deamonhead, från Scott Pilgrim VS the World Soundtrack.
Vad ser du om du tittar till höger: Väggalmenackan och magnetiska anslagstavlan.
Vad gör dig glad just nu: Jag ska resa bort snart, det är vad jag tänker på mest hela tiden.
Vad ska du göra härnäst: Skriva klart en recension till jobbet.
Höger eller vänsterhänt: Höger.
Humör just nu: Saker känns helt OK. Jag är rätt uppåt just nu.
Favoritgodis: Hrm. Choklad. Och de där blårosa sötsyrliga lösgodisbitarna som smakar som bubbelgum och känns kolsyrade... Bubliz kanske de heter?
Kläder just nu: Mörka jeansleggings och en stor, svart skjorta som når ner över låren.
Sommarplaner: Jobba. Skriva på Masteruppsatsen. Flytta.
Hur många kuddar sover du med: En, ibland två.
Spelar du något instrument: Inte längre.
Morgon eller nattmänniska: Natt.
Vad är viktigast för dig: Massor med saker är "viktigast" för mig...
Är du kittlig: Lite.
Snarkar du: Bara när jag är förkyld.
Stjärntecken: Skorpion.
Äckligaste insekten: Jag är ganska likgiltig till de flesta insekter, utom kanske getingar och mygg. Däremot bör nämnas att alla på den här listan skrämmer livet ur mig.
Längtar du mest efter just nu: Madrid.

lördag, april 09, 2011

De Abril

Spring has finally sprung in these parts of Sweden, and I am feeling relief and restlessness in an odd mixture. I cannot concentrate on school, knowing my trip to Spain is just around the corner, yet I try my best on not falling behind too much.

Also, I'm trying to get some reviews written, meet some friends and achieve some of the goals I had on my 25-list. I've finished reading Mario Vargas Llosa's The Bad Girl, which was amazingly well written, and left me sometimes pitying the protagonist and sometimes detesting him for his wishy-washy pathetic choices.
I've also bought a wig, and am waiting for it with great anticipation. If it arrives to Stockholm before I leave town, I might actually wear it to my friends dissertation dinner on friday (now wouldn't that be something?)

For the weekend, I visited my lovely friend E. We talked and talked, ate good food, delicious sweets, went for midnight walks, watched anime. I've missed her, and I had a great time. Also, she got me into watching some fun, easygoing anime, and it's been a while since I took the time in seeing some cute, funny shojo that wasn't work related. I ended up watching through the entire Lovely Complex-series during the week.

After a short, over night stop in Uppsala, I made my way to the capitol city. Being home at the same time as my brother makes for a crowded house of five once again, but we all keep pretty much diffirent hours, so it's not a bother. Me and my brother haven't had much time to hang out, but my sis and I have tea, talk and watch movies. We finally saw Tangled, and I thought it was great. I've heard some people being disapointed by the end, and to some degree I agree. It is slightly lame in comparison to the rest of the movie. But at the same time, it is classic Disney. Yet Tangled must adapt to new times: noone wants to see the helpless saps that played the former heroines (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, I'm looking at you) and Rapunzel is on par with the more edgy and brave girls like Mulan. I really enjoyed it, and Mother Gothels bitchy figure and psychological bashing made her a great villainess with an awesome song to boot.
Also, I've met some good friends, and will meet some more in the next following days. I went for a coffee with Tobe, which ended up in a two hour long, super hero- discussion. We're such nerds :P
I also visited my dearest Jo and her baby girl. Apart from a bit of tummy ache, she's a ray of sunshine, and she likes me it seems, which is always nice.

Finally, last night, me and some old friends had thai for dinner, than made it to the Royal Opera for the premiere of Coppelia. It was a humoristic and lovely performance, and since it was my first time at the ballet it made quite the impression. The entire thing has a slight Frankenstein-esque feel to it, with men making dolls they want to bring to life, and jealous lovestories, but the slight slap-stick aspect of it all gave it a light atmosphere. I was very happy about seeing it. Afterwards we went for drinks, and after some bar-hopping we decided to call it a night. I ended up sleeping for ten hours, then waking up and thinking we should most certainly do this again =)

tisdag, mars 29, 2011


There hasn't been much going on in my life lately, but I thought I'd gather my thoughts and recap the last weeks happenings anyway.

My new course started yesterday. "Feminist Theory: Perspectives from Continental Philosophy". I'm looking forward to it a lot. It'll be the third course within my Masters that I'll be taking at Center of Gender Studies.
It doesn't have scheduled classes the first weeks thought, so I'm visiting my friend E. in Gävle for the weekend for the first time in a year and a half! It'll be lovely. I'm hoping for more of the spring weather we've had here the last couple of days, but I'not holding my breath, it started snowing again today after all...
Then I'm spending the following week in Stockholm. Going to meet my family, celebrate my brothers birthday, meet friends and pick up literature for my new classes. I have some school work I really want to finish before going to Madrid for Easter, so I need to get started about now.

On another note, a friend of mine is moving back home to Bolivia. I was hoping he would stay the entire semester as most of the exchange students. But he's already been here for two years, and life's calling I guess.
Also, and old classmate and friend of mine got back from Japan about two weeks ago, and visited me spontaneously this Friday. As always, hanging out with him ensures hilarity and good stories, and I had missed him. After spending a year in Japan studying, he was incredibly lucky to get out just before all the mind-boggling catastrophes that hit the country. It is almost unbelieveble how one disaster has followed another, and the process of grieving and rebuilding will tax it's people heavily.

I think this about sums up what i've been thinking about lately. Not much, but I caught a really stubborn cold about two weeks back, which turned into a mean cough. Last week I had a doctors appointment and got a very effective cough-syrup that took care of the problem. As a side-effect, it also made me really tired, and I had a couple of nights of rest where I didn't even wake during the early morning hours, which was much appreciated. Actually, even after I stopped taking the medicine this weekend, I keep sleeping like the dead. Don't know what that's about, but I guess I needed the rest, which resulted in me having a lot of slow days lately.

Lastly, and completely unrelated to anything else: writer Diana Wynne Jones passed away this week. She was old, and had been fighting cancer for a couple of years, yet kept writing up until the very end, with a half finished book and many ideas left behind. She was one of the female fantasy authors that I enjoyed the most, and her Howl's Moving Castle still remains one of the most charming books I have ever read.

onsdag, mars 16, 2011

Late Night Update

I caught a cold over night, and cancelled my plans for the day.
Instead I spent it all reading, knitting, browsing appartments online, cooking, and writing on reviews for work. Pretty productive in retrospective, I'd say.

Have a bit of difficulty sleeping with this cough, so I'm just gonna curl up on the couch, finish knitting my friends scarf, drink tea with honey and watch The Good Wife.

onsdag, mars 09, 2011

La Femme

Yesterday was International Women's Day. It started out as a rights movement amongst working class women, and has throughout the years spread around the globe. Now in some areas, it has apparently lost some of it's original meaning. And in some parts of the world, women still don't have the basic rights to even be allowed to discuss their human rights.

In Sweden, it has becaome a tricky topic. Self-procliamed as "the worlds most equal country", a lot of people think that protesting for, and demanding of, female rights is ridiculous. Or, as I often hear: "You're pushing things too far."
In a so called equal society, feminism is becoming an insult. Men "don't like" feminists, because they're all man hating crazy women. It's obvious that feminists don't want equality, they actually just want a reverse order where women are on top. And some women don't like feminists, because it's "so obvious they're all just butch lesbians".

Not only do I think this way of thinking is repulsive, it is so ignorant. Men who think feminists are "out to get them", are actually just painting the world in clearer colors. You KNOW how priviliged you are. You know that you have the power of millenia of patriarchy at your back, and you're scared shitless of being pulled down from the top of the food chain.
And women who don't like feminists, often seem more concerened by how men percieve feminists, than what it actually stands for - equal rights. Not being belittled as just a kind of breeding cow, but accepted as a person with the same pre-disposed abilities to learn, to evolve, to proceed in a field of work.

I am sure there are pretty extreme feminists out there. Women who think men are the scum of the earth. That doesn't mean that they are supposed to represent everyone, in the same way some child molesting catholic priest doesn't represent all Christians, a man in a cave somewhere wearing a turban doesn't represent all muslims, and a wife beater doesn't represent all men. Statistically, most rapes are of women falling victim to men, most often men they already know. Family, friends. Just because horrendous things like this happens, it doesn't mean that all men are untrustworthy psychopaths. That because these men are monsters, all other men are to be lumped in together with those predetory sickos we see on news broadcasts.

What I'm trying to say is, there is no finding of truth in viewing the world through such ignorant eyes. Form you own opinion based on facts. See to what the root of an issue is before you judge a cause or the people fighting for it, and don't think that one fanatic is ever to represent a group.

Yesterday, was 8th of March, and yet another year in my life passes by where nothing much has changed in the worlds view on women. We stand for more than half the population of the world, but amongst our gender you find the poorest and the sickest. Women are left without rights to express themselves, without means to education, without material assets, and not even with the rights to their own bodies and sexuality.
And even in Sweden, "the worlds most equal country", women get lower wages for the same work as their male colleages, and are seen in much fewer positions of power. They are still denied employment because they stand the risk of getting pregnant, and therefore costing companies money. They are still seen as the home-maker despite the fact that many women work full time, and are expected to spend more time with they're children than the fathers. A father, who does not stay home at all with he's baby on paternaty leave, is still not uncommon. A woman who only takes the minimum of given maternaty leave to return to work, is regarded asa terrible and unsuiteble mother.

Why? Why are we not worth as much as our friends, brothers, lovers? And why do so many still ignore it? It's not about winning, or about who one-uped the other. This isn't about women's rights or men's loss of rights. It's about human rights. Who has them, and who doesn't. And why we keep accepting a society built on such disgusting values.

In the end, my main point is, how can you believe in human rights, in humanity and in a progressive society, and not be a feminist?

måndag, mars 07, 2011

Sunshine Dreaming

Jag är i Stockholm några dagar nu. Springer ärenden, får lite jobb gjort, träffar ett par vänner och är med familjen. Just nu är jag ensam hemma hos föräldrarna, har just ätit och pendlar mellan ifall jag borde plugga spanska eller läsa manga att recensera till jobbet.

Egentligen borde jag gå igenom min CV, som legat orörd sedan februari 2008. Jag har bara lektioner på fredag nu (kanske jag sagt?) och ett deltidsjobb skulle ju vara fantastiskt. Samtidigt betyder inte bristen av planerad lektionstid att jag har lite att göra i skolan, snarare är det fullt upp. Så å ena sidan oroar jag mig för att ett deltidsjobb ska komma i vägen för skolarbetet (så som det alltid gjort), samtidigt som jag både vill ha något som bryter av mot studielivet och behöver en ny inkomstkälla. Lagom till sommaren tänkte jag flytta ut från korridoren, och det skulle vara skönt om jag antingen har en deltidstjänst eller lite sparade pengar att utnyttja.

Värst är att jag mest av allt bara vill bort. Jag vet att våren äntligen börjar närma sig, och ja ja ja, jag älskar att det töar och att solen skiner bakom rutan tills platsen i soffan blir alldeles varm där jag sitter, och hur jag de senaste dagarna ångrat att jag inte tagit med solglasögonen så snart jag stigit ut ur huset. Men det hjälper inte. Det räcker inte.
Det är för sent för mig för nu har jag redan resan i huvudet och det river i mig av viljan att komma bort, att uppleva annat att gå på nya gator, äta ny mat, dricka annat vin, låta solljuset smeka benen och solglasögonen hålla tillbaka håret.
I november intygade mig mina grannar spanjorskorna, att jag borde hälsa på de i Madrid kommande år. I den iskalla novemberkylan, -20 redan veckan efter min födelsedag, var det som om någon fångat mitt hjärta med en fiskekrok och bara vevade in mig. Jag ville plötsligt inget hellre. Det var allt jag kunde tänka på första veckan. Men jag hade inte råd, inte tid och så stod jag inte ut med tanken på att åka någonstans varmt och skönt (inte för att Madrid inte har vinter, men de lyckades ändå ha det mer än 15 grader varmare än Stockholm/Uppsala), och sedan komma tillbaka till det här.

Så vi planerade, funderade, och i julas bestämde vi oss för att åka till påsken. Nu närmar sig utsatt datum. Jag skrapar ihop lön, sparpengar och ber om gamla utlånade pengar tillbaka. Jag försöker att inte unna mig några utsvävningar den närmaste månaden, lägger undan det jag har, medan kroppen känns nästan elektriskt laddad av förväntningar, av en längtan hos någon som åtrår något med tunnelseendets intensivitet.

onsdag, mars 02, 2011

Casa del Corazón

Today marked the two year anniversary of me getting the appartment keys to my place in Uppsala. I really can't believe I've already lived here for two full years. This place, this small corridor room, with it's shared kitchen space and all it's ever-changing neighbours, has turned my entire life upside-down.

I was another person when I got here, which sometimes feels like just yesterday (and just as often feels like forever ago). I've learned a lot of things: that I'm stronger than I thought, and more resilent. I'm less scared of new things now, more excited by the prospect of new adventures. I'm happier than when I got here. Richer in terms of experiences, in seeing and understanding the world, and most of all in friendships.

I've gotten to know a lot of wonderful people. Caring, un-inhibited, clever, witty, supportive, encuraging, party-loving, trusting, loyal people who have shared everything from their laughs, pain, their bad habits and their good sides with me. I love them, and though some of them have moved on and live far away from me now, I miss them and think of them. Remember them and cherish what they have given me.
I can't count the nights we've been up just talking. Or the times we stumble in at one, three or five in the morning, dead tired from dancing and tipsy, just to start cook right then and there for 10 people or more. Or the ridiculous corridor parties we've had, with the nightmarish amount of cleaning lined up for us the days after. The movie-nights, the cardgames, the travelling, the danicing and clubbing, the sharing of news and stories from home over cups of tea, the lazying about in the sun... I've been very lucky to have gotten a second family like this one.

Ofcourse, nothing is always good. There's been rough times. Stress, sickness, bad news, dissapointments. But all the many ups and downs included, it's been amazing. I really wish I could thank each of the crazy bastards that made my corridor (or Horridor, as it is so affectionally called, with a lot of varied spellings depending on who's talking...) life such a laugh. It's been like nothing else, and I doubt anything in my future, despite how great it might be, will ever compare to the insanity that has been my past two years. It's been quite the party.

fredag, februari 25, 2011

Summer in a Box

Yesterday, I faced my non-sensical fear of tanning beds, and went to the local beauty salon. It's located only two buildings away from where I live, and I basically only knew it as "that place next to the laundromat". Afterwards, I could see a subtle tanline too, but there was no real diffirence, which is probably good after such a short first visit. Wouldn't wanna turn orange or anything.

Anyway, as previously mentioned, I was recommended by a Californian former neighbour, as well as a Swedish neighbour, to try the tanning bed this winter. They said the warmth and the light did wonders for their mood during Swedish winter. I decided to give it a try, hoping that it would help so that I would have something to help me get through my down-ward spiralling moods in the future dark seasons of the year.

It was pretty good, I must say. Though I only tried it for 10 minutes, it was nice and warm, without being uncomfortable and sweaty. Also, the fan close to the head gave this breeze-like sound slightly reminicent to the sounds of being close to the sea (if you tried hard to imagine it...). Initially, I was a bit freaked out by the whole thing, laying there and basically closing the lid on yourself. But half way through, it was hard not to be swept away by the lovely feeling of being all warm, as if the sun was actually out and shining and glorious again.
I'll probably go back for a 15 minut visit next month.

måndag, februari 21, 2011


Friday was spent in a whirlwind haze of ambitiously trying to do all my household chores at once.
I spent the day doing laundry, vacuuming, doing loads of dishes, baking chocolate cupcakes and pineapple pie, grocery shopping, folding laundry, as well as attending my afternoon classes.

At 8.30PM, three of my friends from Stockholm arrived, and an entire weekend of talking, eating, drinking coctails, playing cardgames and laughing ensued. On Saturday, we joined other of our friends and kept up the small scale but thorough partying all night.
They drove off again last night after 48 hours of joint lazying about, and left me planning for a week of studying, working out and other thing the weekends gluttony should inspire.

Ofcourse, those are all plans procrastinated until tomorrow. Today is about reading, watching movies and perhaps studying some Spanish, if I'm up for it. Mostly just reading, I think. I'm gonna keep it all very low-key and un-ambitious today. I'm all about balance, after all.

On a completely seperate note, I miss Gorka and Amie very much...

måndag, februari 14, 2011

Year 6

Honestly, when I "launched" this small scale project of mine, I don't think I ever believed it would be holding my interest for so long. Today marked the start of it's sixth year online. And though it has been un-even in regards to updates, it holds alot of dear memories, and many reminders of who I used to be. Or who I am and why.

A year ago, I remarked on not wanting to share as much of my life online anymore. I think that is still the case, but I don't mind going back to more regular and daily updates again. I've also started another blog, and I write more fiction on my spare time. It makes me happy.
This has during long periods of time been the only place where I have gotten any writing done, apart from school-related assignments and reviews for work. It might not have been what I would have preferably written, but it has been something, and that makes it worth keeping up.

Also worth noting, my life as a whole feels more structured than it did this time a year ago, and the change is a welcomed one. It looks like I'll be staying in Uppsala for yet another year as well, and I feel no restlessness connected to the thought.
Though I must add that I wouldn't turn down some travelling, especially when the thermometor, as it does right now, displays a -18degrees Celsius...

torsdag, februari 10, 2011


During the past week, I've been doing some part-time work, preparing for a jurist conference on insolvency (yeah, it's probably as fun as it sounds, to be a lawyer...) here in town.
It's a few extra bucks for my planned trip to Madrid, and might lead to some additional small scale project-employments of the kind in the future.

Since I'm used to having classes in the afternoon and getting up late during the days, working so early is cutting in on my sleep hours. I mean, today I had to get up at 10 to 6. That's just wrong. But hopefully, it'll get me on a better routine, and I'll stop going to bed so terribly late (wishful thinking). Also, I haven't been to the gym again this week, and it's getting me a bit annoyed (which is a good sign! Not long ago I couldn't have cared less). But atleast I've been doing some walking. The office is on the other side of town, so it's a 45 minut walk at it's minimum in these weather conditions.

The other night, walking back home in the cold and dark, me and my friend were passed by a bike. The biker turned around and called my name, and to my surprise it was my former neighbour. He and his wife are really sweet people who recently moved out because they could not live with such crazy, loud people. They even apologized for not staying! We're very understanding of the fact that we are the problem, and forgive them for not loving us unconditionally :P
The point is, he had seen me from behind at quite the distance and still known it was me. It turns out, as he put it, he had "recognized that crappy hat", hahaha! I pretended to be truly offended and claimed that I loved my hat. He laughed and said that the boots also gave me away.
I thought about it for a second and replied in agreement "Yeah, makes sense. How many other girls do you know who wear big fur hats from the men's department, combat-like boots and a frilly skirt at the same time?"

I have an eclectic sense of style.

måndag, februari 07, 2011

Säg Omelett

I ett förvirrat, svagt och alldeles för nyfiket ögonblick har jag gått med på att klä ut mig till en spelkaraktär till Ninas fotoprojekt.

Jag har aldrig varit förtjust i att fotograferas, och lyckas därför aldrig sitta still när jag är medveten om att kameralinsen har satt mig i fokus. Särskilt på senare år tror jag att det blivit värre. Men till och med som yngre tyckte jag alltid att jag blev konstig på bild, och det är kanske det obekväma kroppsspråket som är problemet.
Fördelen med detta projekt är som sagt att jag är utklädd, med peruk och allt annats som hör därtill. Jag behöver därför inte oroa mig för hur jag ser ut, för det är heller inte meningen att jag ska likna mig själv.

Har dock bestämt mig för att om fotosessionen går bra, så ska jag ställa upp på att bli fotograferad av Björn också. Han har frågat tidigare, och trots att jag imponerats av andra bilder han tagit så har jag aldrig vågat. Kanske om jag får ha peruk?

lördag, februari 05, 2011


I've started out this year with a whole lot of non-blogging, and it's time for a belated update.

I'm attending a new course named (atleast I think the translation would be) Representations of Diversity, which is held by the Center av Gender Studies at Uppsala University. I really like how the Master program in Humanities gives you the opportunity to read many courses outside your own main field as a part of the two year study. Of course, I still really like literature, and am still pleased with my major, but a lot of the mandatory classes have been a snooze at the best.

Other than the course, I should really plan on getting back to writing my thesis. Haven't really touched it for a couple of months now. I do some research, but I think it's about time I get something down on paper. I hope to have finished a 30 page draft by Easter.

And when mentioning Easter, I plan to go visit some friends in Madrid for the holidays! I've never been to Spain and look forward to sun and sights. Also, it gives me a good timespan for practicing basic skills in Spanish. I've gotten some language courses from the local library, and from this week I will be studying Spanish for atleast four hours a week. That is more than what they schedualed for our third language in school, when I started out with French in sixth grade. So hopefully, there will be some results. It also would be nice to make som progress on my goals for this year.

Talking goals, I've been watching some of the movies I'd like to cross off of my IMDb-list. Saw Casablanca with my sister and C'era una volta il West with my dad. He had seen it before, but like me, he usually doesn't mind re-watching movies.
It should also be mentioned that I went on a 40hour cruise to Riga with some of my neighbours in the beginning of January. This effectively both marked the 25-list boxes for "Visiting a European capitol I've never been to" and "dare to sing kareoke" which I managed to part-take in on the cruise ship, even though the results varied alot. Riga in itself was pretty (atleast the Old Town) but freezing, so we spent most of the time there shopping and eating.

Back in Sweden, I've spent my time figuring stuff out.
It sounds silly, but it's true.
I need to structure my studying better. And I need to get a part-time job. I have the time since I don't have that many classes, and I do homework better in the evenings and at night. So, a job. Though how I'll get that in a city full of money-starved students is beyond me. But I'll try. I'm down with a serious case of hit-the-road-blues, and you can't travel nowhere if you don't have the coins for it.

I've also been trying to make the most out of my time with friends who have been leaving. For Christmas break, my crazy yet darling former neighbour G came to visit us, and though I wish we had time to see more of eachother, it was wonderful yet sad to have her here. Three weeks after she left again, the second one of my two close exchange-student friends packed up her bags and flew cross-Atlantic. After more than three years in this town, she decided to find new adventures elsewhere. Though I am happy for her and all the oppurtunities San Fransisco will offer her, A left another dent in my already bruised heart when she left this week. I've cried over both of my friends, and even though I believe that I will see them again for sure, the loss of them as a part of my daily life weighs me down more than usual some days.

Yet as a symbolic sign from life itself though, one of my closest friends officially became a resident of Uppsala just the day after A left. And it feels lovely of course. There will always be good people in my life, it's just that noone replaces the other, and noone fills the empty space left by another. That is good, but also heavy for the heart.
Moving his stuff in, and helping out with whatever I could, made me think about how much things you actually collect. I haven't given it the slightest thought in almost two years, since I moved to Uppsala. But the leaving of many friends has left me the inheritor of a lot more things than I got here with. The more I consider it, the more I think it's time for me to go through my things and get rid of all that is truly useless to me, but that I've saved "just in case" (and I wouldn't be surprised if the amount of crap could fill out an entire wardrobe or something).
Or, I could always move to a bigger place. Which gets another string of thoughts jumbled together in my head waiting to be heard and observed, and a whole row of emotions waiting to be untangled just by the thought of moving on yet again.

But that is life, and as mentioned, I'm trying to figure it out.

onsdag, januari 19, 2011

Ain't No Sunshine

New semester starts this week on friday, and I am gathering books at the libraries in hopes of keeping the costs for new literature to the minimum. It's happened too many times that I never open a book again after the classes have reached their end, and I've tried very hard to not buy any books I won't have any interest in later.

At the moment, I'm looking over both my economy and my study-plans, and feel like I need to do some serious reconsidering. I spend too much money on books, food, going out dancing, and I know that if I just made an effort, I'd be able to save up some at the end of every month instead of using up almost all of it. Also, I need to get new habits when it comes to studying. As always, I study way too late at night, and usually always too close to deadline. It has, I must admit, worked well for me in the past years. But I'm getting older and I truly prefer some good, stable hours of sleep. And, I really want to try and hit the gym more than twice a week (unfortunately, this week has been a complete no-go), which means better routines all together.

All of this would be so much easier if I didn't despise the cold so much. Winter season drains me, and I don't like to go out when it's cold, and end up sleeping all the odd hours of the day. When I finally manage to socialize, it's always to go out for dinner or movies or dancing, activities that cost and once again keep me indoors.
On the recommendation of a Californian friend, I think I'm gonna try the tanning salon. He said it really helped him not to feel tired and light-starved while he lived in Sweden. It would be terriffic if it worked. And wierd to some degree, because it means I could have saved myself years of seasonal sadness with some artificial light baths once a month for years. Then again, it might not be the case. I am still unreasonably scared of the tanning bed and it's coffin-like shape, and in the back of my head a voice keeps warning me that the thing might get all jammed and have me lie there stuck inside it. I know it's unlikely, but fear doesn't have to make sense.

Then again, this entire year is supposed to be about facing fears, getting a hold of my life, getting new routines and trying new things. If you have to start somewhere, it might as well be on a tanning bed as anywhere else.

onsdag, januari 05, 2011

Dear World,

you keep turning, I get older and life goes on.
Last year was better than the ones just previous, and despite ups-and-downs, I ended it happier and healthier than I started it.

Christmas holidays was all about being with family, eating and resting alot. New Years was about friends; laughing and hoping.

As always, I wish for a year better than the one before. I danced in to the new year with the same joy I hope to dance through it with. Always turning, always dreaming, always burning brightly.

Stroke of Midnight 2010/2011