Go see: Fem.Phen.Med.

This weeks recommendation!

May 18th-21st, Uppsala University is holding a four day conference on Feminist Phenomenology and Medicin.

As a part of my present course at Uni, we are required to attend atleast four out of the 16 discussions on the articles presented.
Though I find the topic interesting, because of my very booked schedual, I probably won't attend to more than four or five. Today, I saw three of the speakers: Linda Fisher, Abby Wilkerson and Lanei Rodemeyer. It was pretty fascinating, though Wilkersons article, or perhaps topic, is a more correct word here) was the one that I felt most intrigued by.
Afterwards I also got to talk to two other of the guests, Marja-Liisa Honkasalo, who actually complimented me on my questions and recommended me some good reads, and Nikki Sullivan, who flew in all the way from Australia, who told me about the (for me) un-usual subject of her studies, queer dis(orientation) and the alienation of one from ones own body, and how this otherness manifests in the will to rid oneself of ones own physical appandeges, like arms and legs (what I consider self-mutilation), and the taboo around such a state.
As mentioned - fascinating!

Though the thing that gets me the most, is that someone has been sabotaging this conference. Sure, I get that the topic is controversial, but the response has been ridiculous.
About two weeks ago, the Center for Gender Studies at Uppsala University, put up big posters around Campus, to spread the word about the conference. Within a day, every single poster was gone. it was strange, but unfortunate. Yet, the next day, new posters were hung. And within a day, all were gone.
In the end, posters and flyers were hung up during 7-10 days. The University cleaning staff was informed about not taking down anything. The other departments put up flyers in support. And yet, except for posters put up behind locked glass cases, every single one was taken down within a day from being put up. For almost two weeks.

I just can't see who would be so angry, and have so much time on their hands, to spend two weeks of their lifes just to keep this up. What is wrong with them? What is it that is so provocative about gender studies (in Sweden!!), or about phenomenology? Or is it that they dislike the use of medicin in research on queer body images, or illness experience, or intersex and biomedicin?
It is sad, because even though it might not be in everyones field of interest, I'm sure there are people out there who would have liked seeing some of this, as there always is.

Intermission

Post-Madrid and post-Valborg. It feels like I've been dancing, eating, laughing and drinking for weeks. Maybe I have, time flows strange in spring.

I've taken up looking at new housing, after all, my lease is up in three months and it won't do to move in with family and friends unless I really have to.
Also, life is getting back to normal, or atleast I'm trying to figure out what to do to steer it back where it should be. There's a lot of studies up ahead, and with the appartment-hunt and moving, and friends going away, I don't think I'll be leaving Uppsala much more. I have a weekend in Stockholm booked for next week, and after that I'm planting my bum on Uppsala turf until I've found a new place to stay.

So, since my new classes start on monday, this is the last weekend I'll have that is a bit more relaxed. So E. is visiting me, and we're gonna watch some movies, talk and have picknick with friends if the weather allows it. After that, it's back to the grindstone.

Dear Sweden,

you suck. Your spring is awful, your wine is expensive and you are literally the place where the sun don't shine. I don't miss you at all.

In Madrid, the weather is so warm, I don't even mind when it rains. I walk hours everyday in a daze of total satisfaction at the choice of coming here alone. I'm ignoring our not-so-distant reunion, and wish you a future where I don't despise you. No love lost between us,

/N.

De vacaciones

I can barely sit still. Everything in me and around me seems to be moving with a sense of purpose that leaves a tingeling sensation in my skin, seeping into my veins and running through me to the tip of my fingers. And all I can think of is: in 26 hour in 25 hour in 24 hours... I've become the countdown.

I'm breathing warmth and sunshine already and I won't miss a thing, not a single thing. I'm walking down heated streets, dreaming living feeling the city sound, the summer sun, the far-off-ness from my life.

I'm never so much in love as when I'm travelling.

Gold Guns Girls

Nu har jag skickat in veckans recension, bestämt mig för vilka kläder jag ska packa med till Madrid och blivit helt besatt av att lyssna på Clash at Demonheads cover på Black Sheep, eller på Metric över huvud taget.

Solen skiner, jag ska på disputationsmiddag i kväll och sen ska jag ut och dansa. Det är bra.
Det mesta är faktiskt riktigt, riktigt bra.

Enkät.

Det var länge sen jag fyllde en liknande enkät och tänkte att det kunde vara lite roligt. Kopierade den här från Vildvittra.


Nämn något som gjorde dig glad igår: Träffade Balsam och Veronica!
Vad gjorde du kl 08 imorse: Sov.
Vad gjorde du för 15 min sedan: Tömde ICA-kassen och fyllde kylen.
Det sista du sa högt: ”Det är ingen fara”.
Det senaste någon sa till dig: ”Tack”.
Vad har du druckit idag: Grönt te.
Vad var det senaste du åt: En sån där måltidsersättnings-bar, eller vad man nu kallar det.
Vad var det senaste du köpte: Juice, vaniljyoghurt, vitpeppar, rökt skinka och blockchoklad.
Vad är det för färg på din ytterdörr: Ljusbrunt trä.
Vad är det för väder hos dig nu: Lite småkyligt och blåsigt men fortfarande blå himmel.
Godaste glassmaken: Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Eller Rocky Road. Eller passionfruktssorbet. Jag går mycket efter humöret och vädret när jag väljer.
Tror du på kärlek vid första ögonkastet: Hah! Nej.
Sover du tungt: Ja.
Drömmer du mardrömmar: Ibland.
Trivs du med ditt jobb: Ja.
Favoritklädsel: Jag föredrar svart framför det mesta. Får gärna ha spetsdetaljer, massa knappar/hakar/snörning, eller en hög krage om det är en överdel. Annars är jag mycket för bekvämlighet och ett av favoritplaggen är en jeansjacka jag haft i 11 år.
Favoritlåt just nu: Covern på Metrics Black Sheep med Clash at Deamonhead, från Scott Pilgrim VS the World Soundtrack.
Vad ser du om du tittar till höger: Väggalmenackan och magnetiska anslagstavlan.
Vad gör dig glad just nu: Jag ska resa bort snart, det är vad jag tänker på mest hela tiden.
Vad ska du göra härnäst: Skriva klart en recension till jobbet.
Höger eller vänsterhänt: Höger.
Humör just nu: Saker känns helt OK. Jag är rätt uppåt just nu.
Favoritgodis: Hrm. Choklad. Och de där blårosa sötsyrliga lösgodisbitarna som smakar som bubbelgum och känns kolsyrade... Bubliz kanske de heter?
Kläder just nu: Mörka jeansleggings och en stor, svart skjorta som når ner över låren.
Sommarplaner: Jobba. Skriva på Masteruppsatsen. Flytta.
Hur många kuddar sover du med: En, ibland två.
Spelar du något instrument: Inte längre.
Morgon eller nattmänniska: Natt.
Vad är viktigast för dig: Massor med saker är "viktigast" för mig...
Är du kittlig: Lite.
Snarkar du: Bara när jag är förkyld.
Stjärntecken: Skorpion.
Äckligaste insekten: Jag är ganska likgiltig till de flesta insekter, utom kanske getingar och mygg. Däremot bör nämnas att alla på den här listan skrämmer livet ur mig.
Längtar du mest efter just nu: Madrid.

De Abril

Spring has finally sprung in these parts of Sweden, and I am feeling relief and restlessness in an odd mixture. I cannot concentrate on school, knowing my trip to Spain is just around the corner, yet I try my best on not falling behind too much.

Also, I'm trying to get some reviews written, meet some friends and achieve some of the goals I had on my 25-list. I've finished reading Mario Vargas Llosa's The Bad Girl, which was amazingly well written, and left me sometimes pitying the protagonist and sometimes detesting him for his wishy-washy pathetic choices.
I've also bought a wig, and am waiting for it with great anticipation. If it arrives to Stockholm before I leave town, I might actually wear it to my friends dissertation dinner on friday (now wouldn't that be something?)

For the weekend, I visited my lovely friend E. We talked and talked, ate good food, delicious sweets, went for midnight walks, watched anime. I've missed her, and I had a great time. Also, she got me into watching some fun, easygoing anime, and it's been a while since I took the time in seeing some cute, funny shojo that wasn't work related. I ended up watching through the entire Lovely Complex-series during the week.

After a short, over night stop in Uppsala, I made my way to the capitol city. Being home at the same time as my brother makes for a crowded house of five once again, but we all keep pretty much diffirent hours, so it's not a bother. Me and my brother haven't had much time to hang out, but my sis and I have tea, talk and watch movies. We finally saw Tangled, and I thought it was great. I've heard some people being disapointed by the end, and to some degree I agree. It is slightly lame in comparison to the rest of the movie. But at the same time, it is classic Disney. Yet Tangled must adapt to new times: noone wants to see the helpless saps that played the former heroines (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, I'm looking at you) and Rapunzel is on par with the more edgy and brave girls like Mulan. I really enjoyed it, and Mother Gothels bitchy figure and psychological bashing made her a great villainess with an awesome song to boot.
Also, I've met some good friends, and will meet some more in the next following days. I went for a coffee with Tobe, which ended up in a two hour long, super hero- discussion. We're such nerds :P
I also visited my dearest Jo and her baby girl. Apart from a bit of tummy ache, she's a ray of sunshine, and she likes me it seems, which is always nice.

Finally, last night, me and some old friends had thai for dinner, than made it to the Royal Opera for the premiere of Coppelia. It was a humoristic and lovely performance, and since it was my first time at the ballet it made quite the impression. The entire thing has a slight Frankenstein-esque feel to it, with men making dolls they want to bring to life, and jealous lovestories, but the slight slap-stick aspect of it all gave it a light atmosphere. I was very happy about seeing it. Afterwards we went for drinks, and after some bar-hopping we decided to call it a night. I ended up sleeping for ten hours, then waking up and thinking we should most certainly do this again =)

Extracts

There hasn't been much going on in my life lately, but I thought I'd gather my thoughts and recap the last weeks happenings anyway.

My new course started yesterday. "Feminist Theory: Perspectives from Continental Philosophy". I'm looking forward to it a lot. It'll be the third course within my Masters that I'll be taking at Center of Gender Studies.
It doesn't have scheduled classes the first weeks thought, so I'm visiting my friend E. in Gävle for the weekend for the first time in a year and a half! It'll be lovely. I'm hoping for more of the spring weather we've had here the last couple of days, but I'not holding my breath, it started snowing again today after all...
Then I'm spending the following week in Stockholm. Going to meet my family, celebrate my brothers birthday, meet friends and pick up literature for my new classes. I have some school work I really want to finish before going to Madrid for Easter, so I need to get started about now.

On another note, a friend of mine is moving back home to Bolivia. I was hoping he would stay the entire semester as most of the exchange students. But he's already been here for two years, and life's calling I guess.
Also, and old classmate and friend of mine got back from Japan about two weeks ago, and visited me spontaneously this Friday. As always, hanging out with him ensures hilarity and good stories, and I had missed him. After spending a year in Japan studying, he was incredibly lucky to get out just before all the mind-boggling catastrophes that hit the country. It is almost unbelieveble how one disaster has followed another, and the process of grieving and rebuilding will tax it's people heavily.

I think this about sums up what i've been thinking about lately. Not much, but I caught a really stubborn cold about two weeks back, which turned into a mean cough. Last week I had a doctors appointment and got a very effective cough-syrup that took care of the problem. As a side-effect, it also made me really tired, and I had a couple of nights of rest where I didn't even wake during the early morning hours, which was much appreciated. Actually, even after I stopped taking the medicine this weekend, I keep sleeping like the dead. Don't know what that's about, but I guess I needed the rest, which resulted in me having a lot of slow days lately.

---

Lastly, and completely unrelated to anything else: writer Diana Wynne Jones passed away this week. She was old, and had been fighting cancer for a couple of years, yet kept writing up until the very end, with a half finished book and many ideas left behind. She was one of the female fantasy authors that I enjoyed the most, and her Howl's Moving Castle still remains one of the most charming books I have ever read.

Late Night Update

I caught a cold over night, and cancelled my plans for the day.
Instead I spent it all reading, knitting, browsing appartments online, cooking, and writing on reviews for work. Pretty productive in retrospective, I'd say.



Have a bit of difficulty sleeping with this cough, so I'm just gonna curl up on the couch, finish knitting my friends scarf, drink tea with honey and watch The Good Wife.

La Femme

Yesterday was International Women's Day. It started out as a rights movement amongst working class women, and has throughout the years spread around the globe. Now in some areas, it has apparently lost some of it's original meaning. And in some parts of the world, women still don't have the basic rights to even be allowed to discuss their human rights.

In Sweden, it has becaome a tricky topic. Self-procliamed as "the worlds most equal country", a lot of people think that protesting for, and demanding of, female rights is ridiculous. Or, as I often hear: "You're pushing things too far."

In a so called equal society, feminism is becoming an insult. Men "don't like" feminists, because they're all man hating crazy women. It's obvious that feminists don't want equality, they actually just want a reverse order where women are on top. And some women don't like feminists, because it's "so obvious they're all just butch lesbians".

Not only do I think this way of thinking is repulsive, it is so ignorant. Men who think feminists are "out to get them", are actually just painting the world in clearer colors. You KNOW how priviliged you are. You know that you have the power of millenia of patriarchy at your back, and you're scared shitless of being pulled down from the top of the food chain.

And women who don't like feminists, often seem more concerened by how men percieve feminists, than what it actually stands for - equal rights. Not being belittled as just a kind of breeding cow, but accepted as a person with the same pre-disposed abilities to learn, to evolve, to proceed in a field of work.

I am sure there are pretty extreme feminists out there. Women who think men are the scum of the earth. That doesn't mean that they are supposed to represent everyone, in the same way some child molesting catholic priest doesn't represent all Christians, a man in a cave somewhere wearing a turban doesn't represent all muslims, and a wife beater doesn't represent all men. Statistically, most rapes are of women falling victim to men, most often men they already know. Family, friends. Just because horrendous things like this happens, it doesn't mean that all men are untrustworthy psychopaths. That because these men are monsters, all other men are to be lumped in together with those predetory sickos we see on news broadcasts.

What I'm trying to say is, there is no finding of truth in viewing the world through such ignorant eyes. Form you own opinion based on facts. See to what the root of an issue is before you judge a cause or the people fighting for it, and don't think that one fanatic is ever to represent a group.

Yesterday, was 8th of March, and yet another year in my life passes by where nothing much has changed in the worlds view on women. We stand for more than half the population of the world, but amongst our gender you find the poorest and the sickest. Women are left without rights to express themselves, without means to education, without material assets, and not even with the rights to their own bodies and sexuality.

And even in Sweden, "the worlds most equal country", women get lower wages for the same work as their male colleages, and are seen in much fewer positions of power. They are still denied employment because they stand the risk of getting pregnant, and therefore costing companies money. They are still seen as the home-maker despite the fact that many women work full time, and are expected to spend more time with they're children than the fathers. A father, who does not stay home at all with he's baby on paternaty leave, is still not uncommon. A woman who only takes the minimum of given maternaty leave to return to work, is regarded asa terrible and unsuiteble mother.

Why? Why are we not worth as much as our friends, brothers, lovers? And why do so many still ignore it? It's not about winning, or about who one-uped the other. This isn't about women's rights or men's loss of rights. It's about human rights. Who has them, and who doesn't. And why we keep accepting a society built on such disgusting values.

In the end, my main point is, how can you believe in human rights, in humanity and in a progressive society, and not be a feminist?

Sunshine Dreaming

Jag är i Stockholm några dagar nu. Springer ärenden, får lite jobb gjort, träffar ett par vänner och är med familjen. Just nu är jag ensam hemma hos föräldrarna, har just ätit och pendlar mellan ifall jag borde plugga spanska eller läsa manga att recensera till jobbet.

Egentligen borde jag gå igenom min CV, som legat orörd sedan februari 2008. Jag har bara lektioner på fredag nu (kanske jag sagt?) och ett deltidsjobb skulle ju vara fantastiskt. Samtidigt betyder inte bristen av planerad lektionstid att jag har lite att göra i skolan, snarare är det fullt upp. Så å ena sidan oroar jag mig för att ett deltidsjobb ska komma i vägen för skolarbetet (så som det alltid gjort), samtidigt som jag både vill ha något som bryter av mot studielivet och behöver en ny inkomstkälla. Lagom till sommaren tänkte jag flytta ut från korridoren, och det skulle vara skönt om jag antingen har en deltidstjänst eller lite sparade pengar att utnyttja.

Värst är att jag mest av allt bara vill bort. Jag vet att våren äntligen börjar närma sig, och ja ja ja, jag älskar att det töar och att solen skiner bakom rutan tills platsen i soffan blir alldeles varm där jag sitter, och hur jag de senaste dagarna ångrat att jag inte tagit med solglasögonen så snart jag stigit ut ur huset. Men det hjälper inte. Det räcker inte.
Det är för sent för mig för nu har jag redan resan i huvudet och det river i mig av viljan att komma bort, att uppleva annat att gå på nya gator, äta ny mat, dricka annat vin, låta solljuset smeka benen och solglasögonen hålla tillbaka håret.
I november intygade mig mina grannar spanjorskorna, att jag borde hälsa på de i Madrid kommande år. I den iskalla novemberkylan, -20 redan veckan efter min födelsedag, var det som om någon fångat mitt hjärta med en fiskekrok och bara vevade in mig. Jag ville plötsligt inget hellre. Det var allt jag kunde tänka på första veckan. Men jag hade inte råd, inte tid och så stod jag inte ut med tanken på att åka någonstans varmt och skönt (inte för att Madrid inte har vinter, men de lyckades ändå ha det mer än 15 grader varmare än Stockholm/Uppsala), och sedan komma tillbaka till det här.

Så vi planerade, funderade, och i julas bestämde vi oss för att åka till påsken. Nu närmar sig utsatt datum. Jag skrapar ihop lön, sparpengar och ber om gamla utlånade pengar tillbaka. Jag försöker att inte unna mig några utsvävningar den närmaste månaden, lägger undan det jag har, medan kroppen känns nästan elektriskt laddad av förväntningar, av en längtan hos någon som åtrår något med tunnelseendets intensivitet.

Casa del Corazón

Today marked the two year anniversary of me getting the appartment keys to my place in Uppsala. I really can't believe I've already lived here for two full years. This place, this small corridor room, with it's shared kitchen space and all it's ever-changing neighbours, has turned my entire life upside-down.

I was another person when I got here, which sometimes feels like just yesterday (and just as often feels like forever ago). I've learned a lot of things: that I'm stronger than I thought, and more resilent. I'm less scared of new things now, more excited by the prospect of new adventures. I'm happier than when I got here. Richer in terms of experiences, in seeing and understanding the world, and most of all in friendships.

I've gotten to know a lot of wonderful people. Caring, un-inhibited, clever, witty, supportive, encuraging, party-loving, trusting, loyal people who have shared everything from their laughs, pain, their bad habits and their good sides with me. I love them, and though some of them have moved on and live far away from me now, I miss them and think of them. Remember them and cherish what they have given me.
I can't count the nights we've been up just talking. Or the times we stumble in at one, three or five in the morning, dead tired from dancing and tipsy, just to start cook right then and there for 10 people or more. Or the ridiculous corridor parties we've had, with the nightmarish amount of cleaning lined up for us the days after. The movie-nights, the cardgames, the travelling, the danicing and clubbing, the sharing of news and stories from home over cups of tea, the lazying about in the sun... I've been very lucky to have gotten a second family like this one.

Ofcourse, nothing is always good. There's been rough times. Stress, sickness, bad news, dissapointments. But all the many ups and downs included, it's been amazing. I really wish I could thank each of the crazy bastards that made my corridor (or Horridor, as it is so affectionally called, with a lot of varied spellings depending on who's talking...) life such a laugh. It's been like nothing else, and I doubt anything in my future, despite how great it might be, will ever compare to the insanity that has been my past two years. It's been quite the party.

Summer in a Box

Yesterday, I faced my non-sensical fear of tanning beds, and went to the local beauty salon. It's located only two buildings away from where I live, and I basically only knew it as "that place next to the laundromat". Afterwards, I could see a subtle tanline too, but there was no real diffirence, which is probably good after such a short first visit. Wouldn't wanna turn orange or anything.

Anyway, as previously mentioned, I was recommended by a Californian former neighbour, as well as a Swedish neighbour, to try the tanning bed this winter. They said the warmth and the light did wonders for their mood during Swedish winter. I decided to give it a try, hoping that it would help so that I would have something to help me get through my down-ward spiralling moods in the future dark seasons of the year.

It was pretty good, I must say. Though I only tried it for 10 minutes, it was nice and warm, without being uncomfortable and sweaty. Also, the fan close to the head gave this breeze-like sound slightly reminicent to the sounds of being close to the sea (if you tried hard to imagine it...). Initially, I was a bit freaked out by the whole thing, laying there and basically closing the lid on yourself. But half way through, it was hard not to be swept away by the lovely feeling of being all warm, as if the sun was actually out and shining and glorious again.
I'll probably go back for a 15 minut visit next month.

Balance

Friday was spent in a whirlwind haze of ambitiously trying to do all my household chores at once.
I spent the day doing laundry, vacuuming, doing loads of dishes, baking chocolate cupcakes and pineapple pie, grocery shopping, folding laundry, as well as attending my afternoon classes.

At 8.30PM, three of my friends from Stockholm arrived, and an entire weekend of talking, eating, drinking coctails, playing cardgames and laughing ensued. On Saturday, we joined other of our friends and kept up the small scale but thorough partying all night.
They drove off again last night after 48 hours of joint lazying about, and left me planning for a week of studying, working out and other thing the weekends gluttony should inspire.

Ofcourse, those are all plans procrastinated until tomorrow. Today is about reading, watching movies and perhaps studying some Spanish, if I'm up for it. Mostly just reading, I think. I'm gonna keep it all very low-key and un-ambitious today. I'm all about balance, after all.

---

On a completely seperate note, I miss Gorka and Amie very much...

Year 6

Honestly, when I "launched" this small scale project of mine, I don't think I ever believed it would be holding my interest for so long. Today marked the start of it's sixth year online. And though it has been un-even in regards to updates, it holds alot of dear memories, and many reminders of who I used to be. Or who I am and why.

A year ago, I remarked on not wanting to share as much of my life online anymore. I think that is still the case, but I don't mind going back to more regular and daily updates again. I've also started another blog, and I write more fiction on my spare time. It makes me happy.
This has during long periods of time been the only place where I have gotten any writing done, apart from school-related assignments and reviews for work. It might not have been what I would have preferably written, but it has been something, and that makes it worth keeping up.

Also worth noting, my life as a whole feels more structured than it did this time a year ago, and the change is a welcomed one. It looks like I'll be staying in Uppsala for yet another year as well, and I feel no restlessness connected to the thought.
Though I must add that I wouldn't turn down some travelling, especially when the thermometor, as it does right now, displays a -18degrees Celsius...

Stylo

During the past week, I've been doing some part-time work, preparing for a jurist conference on insolvency (yeah, it's probably as fun as it sounds, to be a lawyer...) here in town.
It's a few extra bucks for my planned trip to Madrid, and might lead to some additional small scale project-employments of the kind in the future.

Since I'm used to having classes in the afternoon and getting up late during the days, working so early is cutting in on my sleep hours. I mean, today I had to get up at 10 to 6. That's just wrong. But hopefully, it'll get me on a better routine, and I'll stop going to bed so terribly late (wishful thinking). Also, I haven't been to the gym again this week, and it's getting me a bit annoyed (which is a good sign! Not long ago I couldn't have cared less). But atleast I've been doing some walking. The office is on the other side of town, so it's a 45 minut walk at it's minimum in these weather conditions.

The other night, walking back home in the cold and dark, me and my friend were passed by a bike. The biker turned around and called my name, and to my surprise it was my former neighbour. He and his wife are really sweet people who recently moved out because they could not live with such crazy, loud people. They even apologized for not staying! We're very understanding of the fact that we are the problem, and forgive them for not loving us unconditionally :P
The point is, he had seen me from behind at quite the distance and still known it was me. It turns out, as he put it, he had "recognized that crappy hat", hahaha! I pretended to be truly offended and claimed that I loved my hat. He laughed and said that the boots also gave me away.
I thought about it for a second and replied in agreement "Yeah, makes sense. How many other girls do you know who wear big fur hats from the men's department, combat-like boots and a frilly skirt at the same time?"

I have an eclectic sense of style.

Säg Omelett

I ett förvirrat, svagt och alldeles för nyfiket ögonblick har jag gått med på att klä ut mig till en spelkaraktär till Ninas fotoprojekt.

Jag har aldrig varit förtjust i att fotograferas, och lyckas därför aldrig sitta still när jag är medveten om att kameralinsen har satt mig i fokus. Särskilt på senare år tror jag att det blivit värre. Men till och med som yngre tyckte jag alltid att jag blev konstig på bild, och det är kanske det obekväma kroppsspråket som är problemet.
Fördelen med detta projekt är som sagt att jag är utklädd, med peruk och allt annats som hör därtill. Jag behöver därför inte oroa mig för hur jag ser ut, för det är heller inte meningen att jag ska likna mig själv.

Har dock bestämt mig för att om fotosessionen går bra, så ska jag ställa upp på att bli fotograferad av Björn också. Han har frågat tidigare, och trots att jag imponerats av andra bilder han tagit så har jag aldrig vågat. Kanske om jag får ha peruk?

Goodbye/Hello

I've started out this year with a whole lot of non-blogging, and it's time for a belated update.

I'm attending a new course named (atleast I think the translation would be) Representations of Diversity, which is held by the Center av Gender Studies at Uppsala University. I really like how the Master program in Humanities gives you the opportunity to read many courses outside your own main field as a part of the two year study. Of course, I still really like literature, and am still pleased with my major, but a lot of the mandatory classes have been a snooze at the best.

Other than the course, I should really plan on getting back to writing my thesis. Haven't really touched it for a couple of months now. I do some research, but I think it's about time I get something down on paper. I hope to have finished a 30 page draft by Easter.

And when mentioning Easter, I plan to go visit some friends in Madrid for the holidays! I've never been to Spain and look forward to sun and sights. Also, it gives me a good timespan for practicing basic skills in Spanish. I've gotten some language courses from the local library, and from this week I will be studying Spanish for atleast four hours a week. That is more than what they schedualed for our third language in school, when I started out with French in sixth grade. So hopefully, there will be some results. It also would be nice to make som progress on my goals for this year.

Talking goals, I've been watching some of the movies I'd like to cross off of my IMDb-list. Saw Casablanca with my sister and C'era una volta il West with my dad. He had seen it before, but like me, he usually doesn't mind re-watching movies.
It should also be mentioned that I went on a 40hour cruise to Riga with some of my neighbours in the beginning of January. This effectively both marked the 25-list boxes for "Visiting a European capitol I've never been to" and "dare to sing kareoke" which I managed to part-take in on the cruise ship, even though the results varied alot. Riga in itself was pretty (atleast the Old Town) but freezing, so we spent most of the time there shopping and eating.

Back in Sweden, I've spent my time figuring stuff out.
It sounds silly, but it's true.
I need to structure my studying better. And I need to get a part-time job. I have the time since I don't have that many classes, and I do homework better in the evenings and at night. So, a job. Though how I'll get that in a city full of money-starved students is beyond me. But I'll try. I'm down with a serious case of hit-the-road-blues, and you can't travel nowhere if you don't have the coins for it.

I've also been trying to make the most out of my time with friends who have been leaving. For Christmas break, my crazy yet darling former neighbour G came to visit us, and though I wish we had time to see more of eachother, it was wonderful yet sad to have her here. Three weeks after she left again, the second one of my two close exchange-student friends packed up her bags and flew cross-Atlantic. After more than three years in this town, she decided to find new adventures elsewhere. Though I am happy for her and all the oppurtunities San Fransisco will offer her, A left another dent in my already bruised heart when she left this week. I've cried over both of my friends, and even though I believe that I will see them again for sure, the loss of them as a part of my daily life weighs me down more than usual some days.

Yet as a symbolic sign from life itself though, one of my closest friends officially became a resident of Uppsala just the day after A left. And it feels lovely of course. There will always be good people in my life, it's just that noone replaces the other, and noone fills the empty space left by another. That is good, but also heavy for the heart.
Moving his stuff in, and helping out with whatever I could, made me think about how much things you actually collect. I haven't given it the slightest thought in almost two years, since I moved to Uppsala. But the leaving of many friends has left me the inheritor of a lot more things than I got here with. The more I consider it, the more I think it's time for me to go through my things and get rid of all that is truly useless to me, but that I've saved "just in case" (and I wouldn't be surprised if the amount of crap could fill out an entire wardrobe or something).
Or, I could always move to a bigger place. Which gets another string of thoughts jumbled together in my head waiting to be heard and observed, and a whole row of emotions waiting to be untangled just by the thought of moving on yet again.

But that is life, and as mentioned, I'm trying to figure it out.

Ain't No Sunshine

New semester starts this week on friday, and I am gathering books at the libraries in hopes of keeping the costs for new literature to the minimum. It's happened too many times that I never open a book again after the classes have reached their end, and I've tried very hard to not buy any books I won't have any interest in later.

At the moment, I'm looking over both my economy and my study-plans, and feel like I need to do some serious reconsidering. I spend too much money on books, food, going out dancing, and I know that if I just made an effort, I'd be able to save up some at the end of every month instead of using up almost all of it. Also, I need to get new habits when it comes to studying. As always, I study way too late at night, and usually always too close to deadline. It has, I must admit, worked well for me in the past years. But I'm getting older and I truly prefer some good, stable hours of sleep. And, I really want to try and hit the gym more than twice a week (unfortunately, this week has been a complete no-go), which means better routines all together.

All of this would be so much easier if I didn't despise the cold so much. Winter season drains me, and I don't like to go out when it's cold, and end up sleeping all the odd hours of the day. When I finally manage to socialize, it's always to go out for dinner or movies or dancing, activities that cost and once again keep me indoors.
On the recommendation of a Californian friend, I think I'm gonna try the tanning salon. He said it really helped him not to feel tired and light-starved while he lived in Sweden. It would be terriffic if it worked. And wierd to some degree, because it means I could have saved myself years of seasonal sadness with some artificial light baths once a month for years. Then again, it might not be the case. I am still unreasonably scared of the tanning bed and it's coffin-like shape, and in the back of my head a voice keeps warning me that the thing might get all jammed and have me lie there stuck inside it. I know it's unlikely, but fear doesn't have to make sense.

Then again, this entire year is supposed to be about facing fears, getting a hold of my life, getting new routines and trying new things. If you have to start somewhere, it might as well be on a tanning bed as anywhere else.

Dear World,

you keep turning, I get older and life goes on.
Last year was better than the ones just previous, and despite ups-and-downs, I ended it happier and healthier than I started it.

Christmas holidays was all about being with family, eating and resting alot. New Years was about friends; laughing and hoping.

As always, I wish for a year better than the one before. I danced in to the new year with the same joy I hope to dance through it with. Always turning, always dreaming, always burning brightly.

Stroke of Midnight 2010/2011

Hermanita

Tonight I had a long talk with my sister, and we sat laughing at memories, photos from family trips and old conversations we'd had. One of the funniest stories turned out to be when she had accidentally dropped a container of eyeshadow on my rug. Now, the eyeshadow was black powder, and the handmade rug was bought in Iran and had a cream-colored backdrop. It was like she had emptied the soot from an open fire place on it. She and her friend, both in the ages of 10-11, had tried to get the soot out in all the wrong ways, and by the time the shit hit the fan, they had pretty much made a worse mess out of it. I came home the day after and almost wrung her neck. Today, it's a hoot.

This memory also led to the conclusion that some things hadn't really changed. My sister told me, that when under pressure or stressed, she still becomes pretty much useless. I replied that it was good to know, and that in time of war, I might have to sacrifice her since she would be such a liability.

Sisterhood is obviously about honesty, humor and messing up. Who the Hell needs "ya-ya's" and Travelling Pants?

Yule-time Reading

We spent the Christmas at my aunts again this year. Food was great, company was nice, gifts were much appreciated. Weather was colder than I like, but then again I spent all my time eating and sleeping. I love holidays, it makes me catch up on everything that I haven't been getting enough of regularly, and the last weeks of the school term, that tends to be good food and rest.
I'll be spending the next five days in Stockholm with friends and family, doing some reading, studying, shopping... then it's back to Uppsala for New Years.

And, talking about reading, one of my christmas gifts was Nobel prize winner Mario Vargas Llosa's book The Bad Girl. It'll fit well into my goal of reading books by atleast five authors this year whos native tongue isn't Swedish or English. I will ofcourse read translations anyway, but it's the idea that counts. At the moment, the nominated books are:

1. The Master and Margarita - Mikhail Bulgakov
2. Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel García Márquez
3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles - Haruki Murakami
4. The Bad Girl - Mario Vargas Llosa

This leaves me with one empty spot. Two, if I decide that I should have only one author representing any language.
Recommendations are much welcomed.

Post - it.

I'm folding laundry. I thought this was so interesting a thing I share it with the interworld.

No, really. It's quarter to 8 in the morning. Since I'm up I might as well be useful. I'm folding laundry, and I'm making a big breakfast. After that, the plan of the day goes somewhat like this: say goodbye to neighbours that are going home for Christmas, study, eat lunch, take a short nap, study more, go to the gym, have tea with a friend, study more, sleep like the dead.

Soundtrack of the day: Neon Trees - Animal

Livskvalitet

Igår deltog jag i en undersökning som hålls ungefär vart tionde år av Statistiska Central Byrån.
Undersökningen handlar om svenskars livskvalitet och hälsa, och har gjorts de senaste decennierna. Blir man av slump utvald en gång, kommer man att kontaktas igen nästa gång undersökningen görs. Om man låter sina barn delta, så kommer även de att kontaktas nästa gång det är dags för undersökningen. Sist jag deltog var jag fjorton.

Igår dök det upp en kvinna, och efter nästan en och en halv timma hade jag svarat på tillräckligt många frågor för att den här kvinnan skulle veta mer om mig än en del av mina bekanta vet.
Det är tänkt att du ska svara på dessa standardiserade frågor med ett "ja" eller "nej". Ibland finns flera alternativ, men dessa är också i stort sett indelade i jakande och nekande svar, förutom om man svarar "Vet ej".

Det är frågor om ens sysselsättning, ens studier och jobb och boende. Ens bakgrund och föräldrars bakgrund. Om man bott utomlands, hur länge man arbetat, om man har fritidssysselsättningar, om man känner sig frisk och kry, om man har vänner och är lycklig.

I slutändan kom jag fram till att jag må ha ont i kroppen och känna mig trött, och kanske inte alltid veta vart jag är på väg, men jag är inte olycklig. Jag mår förhållandevist bra, har åstadkommit en del, misslyckats med en del annat, gått vidare från motgångar, uppskattat framgångar, lärt känna mycket människor på gott och ont, sett mig omkring lite i världen, drömt mycket större än jag haft möjligheter att uppfylla, gråtit mycket, skrattat ännu mer och lärt mig tycka om mig själv. Jag är glad. Och det är skönt att kunna gå in i nya året med den vetskapen.

Tron: Legacy

Just two days ago, I could listen to most of the Tron: Legacy soundtrack on Spotify. I didn't go through it all, but some of the tracks left me hoping for more, while many were great. I was a bit unsure as to what to think, since I usually love Daft Punk (they're the primary reason to why I even want to see the movie).
But then I went to bed, and after I woke up, Spotify had reduced the amount of songs to only four tracks! To hear all the songs, you obviously have to have Spotify Premium now.
I'm quite bitter about it.

But yesterday, my neighbour got his hands on it, and after a bit more of a listening through, I came to the conclusion that the soundtrack really is awesome (still have 2-3 tracks I'm not all that content with) and that Daft Punk as always are pure genius. Happiness!

Winter Weekends

I spent the weekend in Stockholm, celebrating a dear friends 30th birthday (and as it turned out, also her engagement!), and trying to study for an exam. I had great fun on Saturday, even though I wasn't able to keep myself on my schedualed food-routine (must stop making excuses, even though birthday parties and engagements mixed up with a house-warming party is a pretty big deal). It's good to see people I don't get to see much during the year, and I'm always reminded of how much I miss them. I'm also always just as reminded of how good it feels to have a comfortable couple of laughs and hugs with people who know you well, and whom you can share both amusing stories as well as comfortable silences with.

Sunday on the other hand mostly went to studying, reading up on old course literature and trying to make someting of it. I managed to finish the exam and send it in before deadline. Hopefully, it'll pass, and it'll be the last I see of it.
On the negative side, I spent an entire weekend home, but did not manage more than an hours film or less with my sister, as well as a late lunch on friday. We tried to hang out some and talk, but both had studies and plans. I don't think I even managed to time in a decent meal with my folks, but we had a couple of cups of tea together, and all in all it was pretty relaxing. For Christmas break, I'm gonna ask dad to teach me how to prepare and cook the Christmas ham the way he does, and I'm gonna try to catch up with my mom and see if we can get through a couple of episodes of In Treatment (which btw, is a awesome show. Gabriel Byrnes and Judi Dench are fabulous, and the fact that the entire dynamic of each episode almost solely focuses on a dialog between two people is simply masterful). She got the first season box-set for her birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I've really taken a liking to it, so we try to watch episodes together whenever I'm home.

Anyways, I got back to Uppsala this afternoon, after such delays I would have managed to take an entire roundabout trip between Stockholm-Uppsala in the time I had to wait alone. I came home, took a three hour long nap, then headed out to buy food for tonights dinner. We made sushi for 20 people, and it ended up with a cost of 20kr/head, which was great. It'll probably be the last time of the year I'll eat sushi. It's really healthy food and all, but I should try to follow my diet more strictly.

Tomorrow (later on today actually), the plan is to clean up my messy room, get some writing done for work, decide on the subject for this semesters final paper, start wrapping some gifts and go see Västgöta Nations advent concert in church downtown (musical preformances is one of the few reasons I ever set foot in church). I'm trying to get into the holliday spirit, which would lend a more charming glow to the incessant cold. I also feel like decorating. I've already decided on having a Christmas tree. Yes, I am aware that my home is just about 19 square meters, and already full of furniture. But there's no saying I can't have a small tree for my small room. And maybe I'll buy some tassel and lights while I'm at it.

Sugar, Oh Honey Honey.

One of the goals on my 25-list, is to lose weight. This plan has been in motion, albeight serious slow motion, for a very long time. This summer, I tried on a slightly adjusted version of the Ducan Diet, on a friends recommendation. It was surprisingly effective. Almost too much so. I decided that I should take things a bit slower, and started with excluding carbs from my meals. Not all together, but for someone with a sugar addiction, it took it's time and really did help. After that, I got a gym card in September.

So after changing my diet to some degree, and starting to go to the gym, you'd think I was making progress. In some way, that's true. But I lack in character, so as soon as I got sick, I reverted into former habits and gained the few kilos I had lost. By my 25th birthday, I realized that I might as well start over comepletely. I decided to re-start my sugar-blog, which had after one sole post went into a deep sleep of oblivion, and start taking my health seriously.

As of yesterday, you can read about my bouts with sugar, my fondness for baking, my progress and failiure when dieting and my irregular visits to the gym, here:

Put The Cookie Down

Good To Know

Your Eyes Open

Jag har efter ett par månader av att skära ner på kolhydrater och äta bättre, slarvat dryga sista månaden och gått upp i vikt igen. Så i förrgår gav jag efter och bestämde mig för att kompromisser inte riktigt är lyckade i min livssituation och påbörjade min diet. Mer om det i andra bloggen som ska tas ur ide nu i helgen.

Annars har jag i veckan utnyttjat massa erbjudanden och rabattkuponger och använt en del av mina födelsedagspengar till att köpa saker jag behöver (som nya träningskläder, varma inläggssulor, jeansleggins, varma strumpbyxor och en cardigan) samt saker jag velat ha jättelänge (som en ny parfym och en kavaj). Annars går allt sakta men säkert frammåt.
Jag är så fruktansvärt trött bara, och önskar att jag vore mindre ängslig. Jag försöker bli mer regelbunden med träningen så att det balanserar bra med orken och sovrytm, men mest av allt vill jag ha en natts ordentlig sömn. Det var en vecka sen sist och jag börjar bli lite grinig.

Plugget går OK, jag ligger nästan helt ikapp med allt, och det var ett tag sen sist det var fallet, tyvärr. Men det känns bra. Jag har tenta som ska in om en vecka och ett PM som borde vara in strax innan dess, och det borde inte vara några större problem.
För tillfället läser jag en kurs i textkritik. Detta innebär inte hur man tolkar och analyserar texten, utan snarare hur man kritiserar bibliografin, upplagan, vad som specifierar just detta tryck med varianter, kommentarer etc. Det är ett oväntat brett ämne som bär på nästa obetydligt intresse för min del. Jag tycker det är smärtsamt tråkigt. Men det är nyttigt att kunna om jag en dag jobbar på förlag och våra kursansvariga lärare är extremt kompetenta och engagerade i sitt ämne, så det uppväger för min grundläggande brist på passion till ämnet, åtminstone något.

Intressant är att jag vid första kurstillfälle upptäckte att vi:
1) var elva elever i klassen, och att
2) fem av dessa var män i åldrarna ~20-50 och sex av oss var kvinnor i åldrarna ~20-60, samt
3) att eleverna delat upp sig med bara män på vänster sida om läraren och kvinnor på höger sida.

Jag satt i mitten, mittemot läraren, och tyckte att hela situationen var löjeväckande och extremt talande på allra sorgligaste vis. Vad är det som gör att folk känner en sådan tydlig gräns i klassrummet ända upp i vuxen ålder? Vi vet ju att könsrollerna i klassrummet finns, i alla åldrar, men som vuxna måste det väl gå att påverka sin situation mer aktivt? På rasten beblandar man sig, men efter kaffet är det åter till platser som skriker positionering. Man intar en plats där styrkan finns, man håller sig till sina egna.
Jag kände mig oerhört nöjd när läraren kastade om hela ordningen inför gruppdiskussion och fick alla att sitta på helt nya platser (som om vi ännu vore barn) och att det redan två lektionstillfällen senare börjat luckras upp i leden.

"My melancholy baby, the Star of Mazzy must..."

Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear

I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate

It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust

-"Into Dust", Mazzy Star

Film-O-Rama

Som ett av mina mål på "25 Under 25"-listan, har jag att se de 25 filmer som listats som allra bäst på IMDb. Eftersom detta självklart är föränderligt (och starkt baserat på vilka filmer som blivit tillfälliga succéer runt sina premiärer de senaste åren) kopierade jag den 4/11 listan från hemsidan, och kommer utgå från vad som var aktuellt den dagen.

Så om någon vill göra mig sällskap är det bara att höra av sig. Jag tänkte se västern-filmerna med pappa, men ni som i flera år tjatat på att jag bör se Star Wars har ju chansen att se det hända nu.

1.	9.2	The Shawshank Redemtion (1994)	530,272
2.	9.1	The Godfather (1972)	417,878
3.	9.0	The Godfather II (1974)	250,223
4.	8.9	Inception (2010)	215,887
5.	8.9	Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo (1966)	164,210
6.	8.9	Pulp Fiction (1994)	425,177
7.	8.9	Schindler's List (1993)	281,389
8.	8.9	12 Angry Men (1957)	122,269
9.	8.8	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)	218,796
10.	8.8	The Dark Knight (2008)	474,073
11.	8.8	Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)	282,356
12.	8.8	The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)	370,392
13.	8.8	Shichinin no Samurai (1954)	98,432
14.	8.7	Star Wars (1977)	325,569
15.	8.7	Goodfellas (1990)	233,683
16.	8.7	Casablanca (1942)	170,397
17.	8.7	Fight Club (1999)	390,123
18.	8.7	Cidade de Deus (2002)	170,787
19.	8.7	The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)	393,893
20.	8.7	Toy Story 3 (2010)	77,869
21.	8.7	Rear Window (1954)	120,715
22.	8.7	Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)	246,258
23.	8.7	C'era una volta il West (1968)	75,805
24.	8.7	Psycho (1960)	146,350
25.	8.7	The Usual Suspects (1995)

Dacia Näcken

Trots att reklam är den mest oattraktiva aspekten med att inte ha Spotify Premium, så är jag hyfsat van vid att stänga ut sådant jag finner irriterande (ljud, människor, you name it). Men på sistone har en reklamsnutt fångat mitt intresse, och efter att ha hört den i en vecka så tycker jag fortfarande att den är fantastiskt rolig.
Finns det ett årligt reklampris? Jag vill nominera den här:

"Är du en gammal gubbe med bockfötter som sålt din själ till Djävulen för att få sitta i en bäck och spela fiol? Lockar inte ditt briljanta fiolspel ut damerna på samma sätt som för 250 år sedan?
Köp i så fall en Dacia Duster från osannolika 134900. En äkta fyrhjulsdriven terrrängbil som tar dig hela vägen från bäcken in till staden där vi andra har bott ett tag nu..."

Stilla hjärtat, vila i värmen

I förra veckan fyllde jag 25. Jag firade det med att bjuda på fika i min korridor. Tanken var att det skulle vara ganska litet då jag vet att folk har annat för sig på vardagar. Jag hade heller ingen möjlighet att erbjuda sängplats till några långväga gäster då jag redan hade lillasyster boende hos mig och själv skulle ut på landet från fredag-söndag. Så i slutändan valde jag att bara bjuda vänner och bekanta från Uppsala, samt lite folk från Stockholm som kanske skulle kunna dyka upp då de har bil eller deltidsjobb.

Vi blev 40 personer. Någonstans i bakhuvudet hade jag trott att fler skulle avböja då det var vardagskväll, men fika lockar tydligen fler än bara än de sockerberoende. Efter att musiken krånglat och vi fick ta till alternativ spellista än min systers fina 20-tals jazz, så blev det kakor av alla dess slag, sangria och massa fina och uppklädda vänner.

Jag fick gratulationer i person och över nätet, hjälp i köket, jättefina presenter, gott sällskap, och sms från i princip hela världens hörn. Så när stressen lagt sig, när folk såg mätta och belåtna ut, när jag accepterat att jag antagligen inte skulle hinna byta mer än tre ord med någon, så tog jag mig verkligen tid att känna efter hur jag mådde inför tanken på att bli ett kvarts sekel.

Jag känner mig lyckligt lottad. Jag är frisk, jag är glad. Jag jobbar rätt hårt på att ta hand om studier, skola, mig själv och mitt sociala liv. Jag har en jättefin familj som jag älskar och som får mig att känna mig älskad. Jag tar mig tid att vara kreativ, och har i olika syfte producerat mer text det senaste kvartalet än jag gjort på nästan två år innan dess. Och jag är omgiven av folk som jag tycker om och som får mig att på alla möjliga sätt känna mig bra och uppskattad.

Tack, tack, tack.
Ni är fantastiska, och jag är lyckligt lottad som får ta del av detta överflöd av omtanke.

25 While 25

I'm closing in on my 25th birthday. Now in all honesty, I can't help but feel a bit old even though I know I'm really not. And I do know I've accomplished a lot, yet feel like I haven't really. So, instead of making the following year my plunging into quarter-life crisis, I've decided to make it a year of adventure, projects and new experiences.

Inspired by lists like "101 things to do in 1001 day", and the book I got for my 20th birthday, "101 things to do before you die" (seriously, it's a tough one to finish. I mean, what kind of psycho wants to swim with sharks and chase down tornadoes anyways?), I've decided to make my own list: 25 While 25.
As it implies, the purpose is to finish all 25 goals within the year that I am 25, from November 4th 2010, to a minute to midnight November 3d 2011. Not only does the idea appeal in that it seems fun, but it also might give me the push I need to finish or try out a lot of things I've been procrastinating for years.

So, without further ado, The List:

1. Have a massive cake-fest and only serve great amounts of home-made sweets.
2. Get a massage or SPA-treatment.
3. Attend a ballet.
4. See an opera, which has to be in German or Italian.
5. Write a postcard/ letter each month, and to a different person each time.
6. Reach my ideal weight of 58kilos, and stay there.
7. Participate and finish in the all female race "Tjej-milen".
8. Finish my Master thesis.
9. Get a tattoo.
10. Learn conversational Spanish.
11. Visit a European capitol I haven't been to yet.
12. Take a trip to Japan.
13. Read 5 authors who's native language is neither Swedish nor English.
14. See the top 25 movies on IMDb's greatest - list.
15. Participate in a short-story contest where first prize exceeds 10.000SEK.
16. Attend a Pride-parade.
17. Move.
18. Throw a real house-warming party.
19. Buy a wig and use it randomly in my everyday life.
20. Go to a karaoke bar and dare to sing.
21. Attend a real ball, with a white tie dress code.
22. Get an internship at a publishing house.
23. Become a member of a political party.
24. Re-start and maintain the sugar-blog, with at least an update a week.
25. Donate blood.


(Everything in burgundy italics is a started but not yet finished project.)
There are a lot of things to do, and one day I might start a "101 things in a 1001 days"-list. But until then, I think this is quite ambitious as it is.

Aniara

I tisdags var jag och såg generalrepetitionen av Stadsteaterns Aniara. Baserad på Harry Martinssons unika rymdäventyr, om flyktingskeppet Aniara som slungas ur sin bana på väg till Mars.
Det är en storsatsning av Stadsteatern inför sitt 50års jubileum, och skådespelarna är inte att fnysa åt. Från stora scenskådisar till musikaltalanger, med musik av Kleerup, har man verkligen försökt göra det här till en fantastisk föreställning som lever upp till sitt rykte.

Men i ärlighetens namn var det nog inte för mig. Jag har aldrig läst Aniara, fastän jag många gånger tänkt på saken. Jag har därför inget att väga och jämföra pjäsen mot. Samspelet mellan musik och ord är riktigt bra, och alla spelar sina roller fantastiskt bra, från den tragikomiske Högkomiker Sandon (Dan Ekborg) och den sorgligen Mimaroben (Sven Ahlström), till den livsglada Daisy (Sara Jangfeldt).
Att jag lämnades likgiltig inför vissa karaktärer var nog inte så mycket beroende av hur de spelats, utan just för att karaktärerna är vilsna och tomma ute i rymden, och försvarsmekanismerna de faller tillbaka på (fakta, information, ignorans) gör dem till endimentionella och tråkiga.

Det blomstrande språk som Harry Martinsson är så känd för gör dock det här en svårbegriplig upplevelse. I början trodde jag att min ovana ledde till den vilsna känslan. Men i pausen då jag och mitt sällskap försökte gå igenom allt som hänt för att få en ordentlig överblick, hörde jag flera i publiken diskutera sin förvirring. Aniara är tung läsning, och därför tung underhållning. Det är en depprimerande och förvirrande historia, och dessa vilsekomna öden som kastas hit och dit i rymdens oändliga kyla faller tillbaka på allt till kulter, sex, förtryck och verklighetsflykt för att klara sig igenom sina decennier av ensamhet.

Det är faktiskt på många sätt långdraget, svårförståeligt och mot slutet även något tröttsamt. Unik föreställning? Ja. Underhållande? Nej, inte egentligen. Men jag är glad att jag såg den. Inte bara för upplevelsens skull, utan för föreställningens höjdpunkt: sången. Nu menar jag inte Kleerups spår (som jag faktiskt uppskattade), utan den sjungna handlingen. Helen Sjöholm gör en makalös insats som den smärtsamt skönsjungande Poetissan, och orden från hennes första låt på scen har följt mig i dagar.

Fabulous Fall

Autumn is here, blowing down winds and raining away days. Uppsala had it's first snowfall of the season this week, and yet today, the sun shines through golden tinted branches and the skies are clearer than my heart could ever wish to be. I hope the sun will keep the worst of the cold at bay just for a while longer and let me love this season for it's glow.

I have a lot to do, for school and work. Though I never had troubles writing material for school, handing in thesis and essays seem to always be my weakest point. Or atleast, handing them in on time. But I am catching up on assignments that have been left dragging, and I've produces more writing-material in the past two months than I've done in the past year all put together. I still worry, and sleeping soundly at night is a rarity... still, my shoulders are lighter.

I actually make the effort of going to the gym these days. This week alone I went three times, yoga, core and boxing (where in the last one was way above my level and almost had me faint). It feels good, yet unlike me. Maybe that in itself is the right way to go, stepping outside of my comfort zone and set ways.

I'm busy, tired, worried yet healthier than I've been for years. And pretty happy, I guess. All in all, things don't look too bad.

Toothpaste Kisses

Cradle me,
I’ll cradle you,
I’ll win your heart with a (wolf whistle).
Pulling shapes just for your eyes.

So with toothpaste kisses and lines.
I’ll be yours and you’ll be.

Lay with me,
I’ll lay with you.
We’ll do the things that lovers do,
Put the starts in our eyes.

And with heart shaped bruises and late night kisses devine.

- The Maccabees

Exotic Talk

RJD2 - live in Uppsala tonight. Me and Ted are going, and I've looked forward to it immensly. It's like the best early birthday present combined with the eagerness of closing in on Christmas Eve when you were a kid.





Unfortunately, I haven't heard too much of his latest album The Colossus yet, but I don't mind. He is good, really really good, and I'll most probably enjoy the show even if I don't recognize many of the tracks.





Joy.

Darker Days

Yesterday was election day in Sweden, and it seems that my native country has joined the big happy family of Europe, and as of today we have a new right-wing party included in parliament. A party most of us wouldn't flinch when calling through-and-through racist. The people who don't call them racists are the majority of mentioned party's voters.

I have never been so ashamed of Sweden in my entire life.
More on this later, I am actually too disgusted to continue this post at the moment.

Tourist Attractions

It's the middle of the night, and I am restless and unable to sleep. So, I write e-mails I should have written earlier, upload pictures I thought I'd upload sooner, and list movies I would like to see in the near future. Now, some films unfortunately don't premiere in Sweden until months after their US date. Scott Pilgrim VS. the World being one of them. Disney's Tangled, another.
This one though, I think shouldn't be more than a month late, due to the casting. Hopefully, much less predictable than Jolies latest, SALT, and it will be nice seeing Johnny Depp in a role where he is less spaced out. It's been a while, and I miss those aspects of his acting. This movie has all the potential of being smart, well-performed and interesting, as well as utterly horrible. I look forward to it.

My maternal grandmother passed away, four years ago today.
I find great comfort in that I still remember her clearly, the things she would say and her peculiar mannerism, and that I still miss her.

This is not a drill!

För några veckor sedan, när jag var i Skåne, stod det överallt om en flicka i Norrland som fått tårna avbitna av en varg. Och överallt stod det hur synd det var om den här 10åriga flickan.

Ingen skrev någonsin att det var underligt, att en inhägnad för vargar skulle ha ett hål stort nog för en av de att sticka ut huvudet igenom. För det fanns inget så stort hål. Däremot fanns det en glipa. Och av alla ställen runt inhägnaden hade denna flicka, som var gammal nog att förstå skillnaden på säg en varg och en pudel, lyckats hitta denna glipa. Och hon hade på något vis även lyckats få ner sin fot där. Och hon hade dessutom fått ner foten där just i samma ögonblick som en varg var tillräckligt nära för att anfalla hennes fot och bita tag i den. Dessutom var hennes mamma där och försökte slå undan vargen. Till råga på allt rapporterades flickan inte inneha någon form av mentalt hinder som bidrog till hennes vansinnigt korkade omdöme i denna situation. Och djurskötare sade sedan i intervjuer att det måste ha varit en av ungvargarna som inte "lärt sig bättre ännu".

Ärligt talat, det är synd om vargen. Det är synd om vargen som får skulden för att ha betett sig helt i enlighet med sin egen natur efter att människan låst in den på zoo. Och det är synd att folk känner sympatier för en unge som är hela tio år gammal och som helt tydligt ansträngt sig för att sticka ner foten i ett så litet utrymme att hon inte heller kunde rycka åt sig foten direkt, och gjorde det just när en varg var så nära att den kunde ta tag i henne. Självbevarelsedrift brukar leda till att man då undviker att vifta med sina kroppsdelar inför inlåsta rovdjur. Detta fall borde bara kallas provokation. Och det faktum att vargen antagligen svalde två tår är inte en tragedi utan helt i enlighet med naturen och rättvisan. Hur fan föräldrar misslyckas så gravt med att lära sina ungar bättre är mig helt förbi.

Här är en sketch om ett liknande scenario, som är väl värt att titta på och skratta åt.

Humble Mumble

Summer courses are almost at their end. Deadline is on friday for both exams and I'm outlining the papers. Today is the writing process, tomorrow is the cleaning-up and the polishing of references.

At the moment, I'm blasting OutKast and eating ice-cream while working at my own leisure. I'll be writing about the lost children of Baltimore as featured on The Wire, and about female sexuality and vampirism in chick-lit and paranormal romances as of late.
I am, as always, impressive and sharp. Recognize.

Since We Last Spoke: Deluxe

Hemma igen från Skåne och det är massa plugg som gäller. Två tentor till den 13e och en uppsats som borde va inne i ungefär samma veva. För att inte tala om några noveller jag vill ha klara innan september.

Det är snart ny termin och jag vet inte vart sommaren och solen tog vägen. Men det är inget att haka upp sig på (åååh, vad jag hakar upp mig på det egentligen jag vill ju också ha lov eller semester för fan varför har jag gjort såhär mot mig själv?!). Tillbaka i Uppsala igen från nästa vecka med nya planer, nya grannar och nya pengabekymmer. Aah, studentliv, det är konstigt att jag är så fäst vid det. Jag menar, det borde väl vid det här laget smugit sig in tveksamheter och orosmoment, men ändå gör tanken på skolan mig underligt tillfreds. Hade aldrig trott att en framtid inom utbildningsväsendet var för mig, men vem vet, jag kanske stannar kvar och forskar till och med. Man ska inte neka sig själv storslagna planer.

Jag försöker jobba, plugga, skriva, dansa, äta proteiner och vara duktig på en och samma gång men ta mig fan om jag inte vet vad som är duktigt egentligen. Efter en prov-vecka av att ha lagt om kosten och rasat i vikt innan bröllopet, möhippan och mitt Skåne-besök, inser jag att det är dags att ta upp den evinnerliga och ganska patetiska kampen mot mitt sockerberoende en gång för alla. Och sparka röv, såklart. Man måste ju tro på sig själv.
Jag har startat en ny blogg också, för att hålla koll på alla mina nyttiga förehavanden, men jag kommer fortsätta att skriva här.

Nu ska jag läsa en artikel om hur chick-lit fått en undergenre som handlar om övernaturliga romanser, vampyrer och sexuell befrielse samtidigt som den befäster heteronormativa relationsramar. Jag kanske borde bearbeta min "Bit-lit" tenta senare i år och skicka in den till Vetsaga. Tål att tänkas på.


Dagens låt: Making Days Longer - RJD2
Tack Ted.

Österlen

Jag förtjänar lite ledigt. Men jag antar att under en sommar med två kurser och en uppsats att ta itu med, och ett deltidsjobb jag borde ägna mig lite åt, så räknas alla dagar då jag inte pluggar eller jobbar som semester.
Bio en kväll med syster och vän = semester. Bröllop = semester. Möhippa = semester. Shoppa lite kläder jag behöver på rean= semester. Spela gamla spel med lillebror som välförtjänt paus i studierna = semester.

Jag är trött. Jag vill vila ut och slappna av, läsa böcker i solen och gå och bada. Och jag vill resa bort - igen. Detta har jag lyckats kombinera med en enda sväng ut till skånska landsbygden. Efter ett besök på min vän Saras landställe 2007, så pratar vi varje år om att jag ska åka ner igen under våren/sommaren/hösten. Och det blir aldrig av. Så i slutet av terminen bokade vi biljetter, och jag tänkte att det skulle vara skönt med några dagar utanför Uppsala/Stockholm. Måste erkänna att jag då trodde att jag skulle tillbringa fler dagar borta. Kanske några i Gävle och några i Umeå. Men sen var det studier, jobb, åtaganden som byggdes upp i rasande takt och helt plötsligt stod jag där med insikten av att min enda sammanhängande semester i sommar är fyra dagar nere i Skåne.

Jag är tacksam över att vädret är fint. Att jag hunnit handla lite presenter, äta gott, sova gott, och turista. Idag var vi på Glimmingehus - en borg från 1500-talet byggd av den danske riddaren och gotländske skatteindrivaren Jens Vargtand, som försvar mot den svenska fienden (men främst mot uppstudsiga bönder). Den hade flera våningar, medeltida duschsystem och vallgrav. Det var en dagsutflykt i min smak, och jag har ett 50tal bilder som ska sorteras igenom sen.

Nu ska jag dricka mer vaniljte och plugga. Imorgon ska vi till Kiviks.

Ballerina

Jag har klippt håret igen, kort kort kort och jag har slutat äta socker.
Vem hade trott?

Lämnat in alla fem inlämningar som ska ha varit inne hittills för sommarkurserna och läst böcker inför tentorna om tre veckor och är i fas fastän känslan är mig främmande. Jag kan jag kan jag kan. Bara att ta tag i allt annat nu.

Nu ska jag sova, upp igen om sex timmar och baka. Sen duscha, sminka, packa väska och iväg och fira vänners bröllop. Jag ska äta gott, dansa gott, skratta gott och inte sjunga på kinesiska. Små löften, mycket lycka.

Didn't you get my e-mail?

Fullt möjligt att det här är en av de biofilmer jag ser mest fram emot att se i år.

Do not let fear into thy heart
when lost upon dwindling road,
for should thine will nor bend or break
new paths will sure unfold.

Remember then friends and lovers had
good times past and sins so sweet
laughter, love and secrets shared,
that brighten days and make nights complete.

Cherish faces, songs and words
they will keep loneliness at bay.
Memories that make each place thy home,
where the heart shall sing and forever sway.

- Nahal, June 2010

The Wire

One of my summer classes this year is a course on HBO and modern TV-drama. This means that not only am I finishing up old essays and taking two summer classes, but one of them involves a whole lot of film-watching. Which is nice in it's own way, because allthough I am swamped with work, and stressed even when I'm trying to watch an episode, it does give a bit of diversity to all my book-reading studies.

But when intense study of the dramatic form of The Wire and constant watching of the series so I'm upto speed with the literature, results in dreaming of it during my resting hours, things are going a bit too far. And when said dreams involve me walking around an amusmentpark in lingerie and trying to figure out how to tell a Baltimore druglord that I don't want to date him without him shooting a cap into my brain, then this is getting way out of hand.

And people tell me I don't take school seriously enough.

Dagens sanning.

Jag skulle säga att det i och med det totala pressförföljandet av kungliga bröllopsfirandet i sommar varit omöjligt att missa vad som pågår, men jag hade trots detta totalt glömt bort att det var den så kallade stora dagen i lördags. Jag återkom efter en kopp te hos vänner till ett fullt korridorskök där de andra åt middag och efter diverse artigheter gick konversationen såhär:

Emil: Nu är de gifta!
Jag: Va?
Emil: Nu har de sagt ja.
Jag: Vilka?
Emil: Vadå vilka?! Victoria och Daniel! Hur kan du ha missat det??
Jag: Jag är uppvuxen bland socialister och kommunister. Jag tror inte på Gud, monarki eller kapitalism.

Footwhatnow?

Jag kan inte fatta att det är VM, och att jag missat i princip 3/4 av alla matcher och knappt sett en enda hel match av de resterande. Det är sorgligt och irriterande på samma gång. Jag lever i skuggan av förra VM då jag såg nästan två spel om dagen och kunde namnen på spelarna i lagen jag höll på. Nu är det ett minne blott och jag håller via FB-statusar koll på vilka underdogs som förvånar och vilka favoriter som inte levererar. It just ain't right.

Idag och imorgon är det alltså ordentligt med plugg som gäller, så jag kan få lite gjort och sedan med rent samvete samvete bänka mig framför tv:n och se Argentina spela. Carlos Tevez, du var min favorit för fyra år sedan. Jag hoppas på dig.

100

Det är 100 dagar sedan jag åkte till New York.
Jag vet inte vart tiden tar vägen, men jag hänger inte riktigt med i svängarna. Det kändes som långt bort redan några dagar efter att jag landat i Sverige igen. Hur kan det vara möjligt att all upprymdhet kan låsas undan så snabbt och bytas mot ny längtan så snart?

Jag har ett problem med resandet. Det hjälper inte att fortsätta flyga, åka, gå - jag blir inte nöjd. Och det släcker inte törsten, snarare är det som att svälja tändvätska och ta fyr inifrån. Rastlösheten river och jag längtar ständigt till dagen då jag kan resa utan att oroa mig för att jag måste komma tillbaka.